Hello, Wondering if I may suffer from an anxiety disorder...

[AH-127]

Hello,
I stumbled upon this forum while looking for information about anxiety disorders on the internet.

A little background:
I'm 29 years old. Over 4 years ago my wife and I took up hiking in the nearby mountains as a way to lose some weight and "de-stress". It was great, we really enjoyed it and have been avid mountain hikers ever since.

In our first year of hiking we sort of jumped into it without doing much research, and as a result got ourselves into a few jams. An ill planned hike almost ended up with us spending the night in the mountains without a flashlight. Luckily we made it back to our car just as we lost the last traces of daylight.
A second ill planned hike took us up terrain that was well-beyond our abilities at the time -- a rocky almost technical climb/scramble. But, we pushed through it and made it out ok.
After these two hikes we stopped being "stupid" about things and made sure to plan our hikes carefully and bring extra gear ("prepare fo rthe worst").

Fast forward to the present. I'm in my 5th year of hiking. I've done all of the hardest trails in the mountains in our area, I'm very familiar with the mountains where we hike, and I've got a lot of first-hand trail experience. And, because my friends aren't really "into" hiking and my wife has never felt completely comfortable with some of the exposure on the rockier terrain I enjoy, I often hike alone.

Until this year it hasn't been an issue. I never felt any anxiety while hiking solo -- on the contrary, it relaxed me.
But now, I find myself plagued by anxiety while on the trails.
I'll get to the top of a mountain and I can't even sit and enjoy the view.
I'll pace around and start thinking things like:
"I've got to start back down now, I'm going to get stuck up here"
"Do I have enough energy to finish this hike, what if I can't?"
etc.

I'm doing hikes now that aren't even half as hard as hikes I've done in previous years and I'm still having panic attacks.
Oddly, it's almost always when at the TOP of the mountain that panic sets in. It isn't and issue on the way up. It's odd because, the hardest (most physically exhausting, that is) part of a hike is the climb. Once at the top it's all downhill. The easiest part is what freaks me out...
I know how fast I hike (both on ascent and descent), and I know how long it will take me to cover a given distance/elevation.
Yet I'll be at the top of a mountain, ready to turn around and hike back down the same short 2 mile stretch I hiked up and I'll panic.
It's summer, a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight. It's before noon and I know I have over 8 hours of daylight to cover a stretch of trail that I just came up. I know it's not hard, I know it will take me under an hour, and yet I STILL panic. And I can't control it.

What used to be a relaxing hobby is now something that fills me with dread. I have a one hour drive from my home to the mountains. Lately instead of feeling anxious to get to the mountains and begin a day of adventure, I drive the entire distance with a pit in my stomach trying to convince myself that I WANT to go. I tell myself to stop being a baby, stop being stupid, suck it up and enjoy myself.
But it's getting worse.

I'm feeling unusually fatigued on hikes now. It's like the anxiety is sapping my strength -- and of course that just makes things worse because not only am I worried about not having the energy to finish, I'm actually starting to feel tired and drained even on easy hikes. It's like a vicious feedback loop.

I can't give up hiking. It's such a big part of my life, and I really do love it.
I just don't understand why I'm getting freaked-out NOW. There have certainly been "bad" hiking experiences from my first year of hiking, but there has also been 3 years of fairly uneventful hikes (over more difficult terrain). Three years without anxiety, without a second thought. And now... this.

I just don't know what to do...
Thanks for reading,
AH-127

[Robbed]

This is kind of a tough one. I guess one thing to look at is whether you feel anxious ONLY on the mountain, or whether you feel anxious in other situations as well. If you generally do feel anxious for no good reason, this is a sign of anxiety disorder. But even if this is not the case, the fact that you never felt anxious before on the mountain does kind of raise a red flag. Have you been experiencing more stress in your life lately? This can certainly manifest itself in some weird ways, and in some ways that can seem VERY out of line with the problems that you are currently suffering from. Do you perhaps have other concerns related to hiking? Specifically, do you maybe feel like something is really missing from your hiking since you have to do it alone? As someone who almost always hikes solo, I know that maybe sometimes, it can get lonely. I personally find that company is MOST welcome while jus hanging out at the top - the precise place where you seem to have the most problems. I also know just how difficult it is to find someone to hike with you (ie someone who likes to hike the same places, someone who can go the same time or day, someone who isn't too fast or too much of a lagger, someone you enjoy being with, etc).

There are, of course, a couple of things you can do. If company is what you desire, you can always try to find someone to go with you. Maybe one of your friends or family members knows someone who could. You could also put an ad on craigslist. A friend of mine is actually doing that in order to meet people to hike with (he, by the way, is WAYYYY too fast for me). Or even some hiking sites have sections for finding partners. True, this can be somewhat risky. But it MIGHT be worth a try. You might also even meet people actually out on the trails who might be looking for a hiking partner. This is true even if they are hiking with other people. Remember that their partner at the time might not be able to go up with them often, or their partner may not like to go to certain places that both they AND you might like to go to.

If you don't feel that this is a problem, you might try just trying to sit for a while on top of the mountain until you can relax. Then spend a little more time up there before coming down. Also remember that, contrary to popular belief, being on a mountain after dark is not a harbinger to death. I have spent LOTS of time in the mountains after dark. And it's actually quite peaceful. And it's FAR less dangerous than the city after dark. All you REALLY need is a good flashlight and sense of direction (which you probably have after five years, especially on familiar trails). In fact, maybe being out in the mountains after dark would put many of your fears to rest.

I'm just curious. Where do you go hiking?

[AH-127]

Thank you for the reply Robbed.

I generally don't have much anxiety in my everyday life. I've only started experiencing it recently, while on the trails.
I'm transfering from one college to another this Fall, which certainly has me somewhat nervous, but no more than would normally be the case when undergoing such a change (in my opinion anyway). I certainly have dealt with less everyday stress over the last two years than the years prior to that (before I left my job and returned to school full-time).

I definitely would feel more comfortable hiking with another person, since there is that added level of "protection". And yes, sometimes it is a bit lonely. I just wonder why it wasn't a issue for me in previous years (and why it makes me so anxious all of the sudden).

Hiking at night is one thing I definitely have been considering in recent months. The fear of getting stuck out after dark is certainly one of my real fears. Facing it would seem to be a great way to get rid of it.
As it is now I carry a head lamp and a back up flashlight. :)

Thanks for you input, I'm thinking I'll see how the rest of this summer goes. Maybe it's just a temporary thing. Maybe I am more anxious about transfering colleges than I think I am. Once school starts and I get settled in maybe this will all go away, mabye not.
I took up winter hiking two years ago and with things the way they are now I wonder if I'll even get out at all this winter. With the shorter days and and added dangers of cold weather hiking I may be indoors a lot this winter. If that's the case I'll definitely be seeking professional help.

Oh, and I hike primarily in the White Mountains region of New Hampshire.

Thanks again!
AH-127

[Robbed]

There are any one of a number of reasons why you might no longer feel as comfortable alone. The stress of going to another school (or general life stress) is a definite possibility. Especially if it has been going on for quite some time. Another possibilty is that when hiking was a new thing, it was exciting and different. And perhaps you want something more out of it now. That is certainly understandable.

As for night hiking, you might definitely give that a try. Just by seeing that your environment is not quite as dangerous as you think may be of help.

So you live in New Hampshire? At first, I thought you might live in California and hike in the Sierra (since you sad you live close to the mountains). But New Hampshir is certainly a LONG ways away from here. Interestingly, we have a range called the White Mountains here as well. And they are quite a different place from almost anything I have seen. For a picture, go to the thread about coping with anxiety and have a look at my post.

[doingmybest]

It's funny but I can relate. I am not a hiker but a runner. I have been running for 12 years. After I ran my first marathon I was fine. But in training for my second I started to get numbness in my hands. I had everything checked out and was fine but I was very scared that I had MS (or something else). I took a few months off. When I started running again I found that when I trained hard my symptoms (and new ones) would come back. So I really think that the hard training makes my symptoms come back. Its almost like I associate the running with illness.

Maybe you do the same thing. Deep down maybe you associate the hiking with the horrible feeling you had when you felt like you weren't going to get out in time (without a flashlight). It very well could be anxiety. Now it is probably just a matter of changing that association (hiking/fear).