Newbie. Anxiety, advice please!

[charlee330]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. Feel like I'm losing the plot! I'm on 20 mg citalopram already. But it's not working. I've got a good job, Business Development Manager, single mum, trying to make my way in life. All after breaking away from a controlling, mentally & occasionally physically abusive marriage. I've been on citalopram before, 40mg & weened myself off. Recently I felt I needed to go back on them, and the doctor agreed. However. I'm 2 months in & the anxiety level I'm feeling is worse than ever. I feel that I am failing at everything. Even though I'm not. I feel that nothing in do in my work, home or personal life is good enough. I am afraid of looking stupid all the time & feel like very soon, something devastating will happen. I don't even think its panic attacks, because that's partly being scared you're going to die, but I'm not, at least I wouldn't feel this way any more! I know it's irrational, but I can't stop the worry, feeling of failure, not wanting to get up in the morning for anything even though I make myself. I'm struggling to find a reason to carry on. I've self harmed a couple of times this year. I'm 43 & I've never done this before. I feel pathetic for doing so. I look at my cut arms & feel sorry for them. It's not their fault. But I'm also wondering why I've done it & am scared of the consequences. I can't tell a doctor what I've done. I need to work to support my family. I want to feel better but feel helpless. Don't know if ill get any help here. But I can't talk to anyone about this. Again, fear of looking stupid in general & losing respect in my work place & losing my job/livelihood which would make things even worse. I love my family & children & know they need me. But I feel so alone. Any advice, gratefully received.

[jbevis]

I'm very sorry you are feeling this way, that sucks! I think you should talk to a doctor about upping your med dosage. You may need to talk to someone about what you are feeling and doing in order to get better for yourself and your family.

[charlee330]

Thank you for your reply. I'm going to make an emergency appointment with my doctors tomorrow. I just can't go on feeling like this.

[jbevis]

I think that's a good idea. Nobody should have to feel like this all the time. Good luck, I hope you get some help. Let me know how it goes if you like.

[charlee330]

I will. Thanks. I'm just scared of them not understanding how bad I feel. Scared I will hide it, I'm good at hiding my feelings. Tears of a clown...
If I told them I've self harmed, what would they do? I don't really want to say about it because of any implications it may have in the future. If/when I'm better.

[jbevis]

Honestly I'm not sure what they will do. I used to self harm when I was a teenager and all they did was put me on meds and have me speak to a psychiatrist. However that was 15 years or so ago. Either way you know you need help and you may not get the best diagnosis if your not open with them. At the very least they need to know you think about it.

[jesikahlaine]

I will. Thanks. I'm just scared of them not understanding how bad I feel. Scared I will hide it, I'm good at hiding my feelings. Tears of a clown...
If I told them I've self harmed, what would they do? I don't really want to say about it because of any implications it may have in the future. If/when I'm better.

I am on zoloft 50mgs daily, my 13th day today. I was in such a bad bad place with anxiety & panic attacks. I felt like i was a useless hopeless mother & partner. But now with therapy & the meds im feeling more positive. Dont give up.
If u would like to message me im more then happy to talk :)