Hope43
03-31-2013, 08:58 PM
Hi everybody, I'm going to try make my long story short. I'm long time sufferer, more than twenty years or so. Alway knew there was was something different about me. When I was little I suffer from extreme general anxiety plus social phobia. I used to get physically ill when I was anxious about a presentation in front of the class to the extreme that I needed to talk to my teachers about it. Had a hard time making friend even making eye contact, extremely shy with low self esteem, but I manage to push my self and without knowing I started to expose my self to the things I fear and get a bit better. Sometimes I prefer to stay in my room and not communicate with my friends. It was hard for me to enjoy things and I didn't know why. I know that the fact that my father abandon me emotionally affected me greatly and caused me so much pain. So I held a tremendous anger towards him. But know we mended things a we moved pass that.
My social phobia it was so bad that just knowing that I needed to talk to a stranger on the phone gave me a tremendous anticipatory anxiety. I felt embarrassed knowing that this fears prevented me from enjoying life and interfere with my job and interpersonal relationships. Never date in my twenties. My anxiety turned into mayor episodes of depressions since I went to three divorces, not mine but my mother. The fact that I didn't date, and I was still struggling with anxiety in my college years made me feel inadequate. Like there was something wrong with me.
I managed to graduated and have a career but even there my anxiety was interfering with my performance at work and my relationships with my coworkers. I always have these feeling of sadness that rearly went away. I can't remember feeling ok and enjoying my daily life except for very brief periods in my life and I'm 44. I did the unthinkable for someone who suffer from depression and extreme anxiety. I moved away from my country, learned a new language and no family in my new home. That was a big step and a hard that triggered my anxiety and depression. Finally I met someone and started dating him. There was to much drama and at some point I got pregnant. My issues with my partner trigger again my anxiety and depression so at 26 weeks far in my pregnancy I had an emergency c-section. My baby was born and put on NICU. Those were the days more difficult of my life, seen my precious baby fighting for his life, unfortunately I saw him waisting his life away and he died. I went to a very dark place. I was severely depressed. I didn't want to live. The pain was unbearable but with the help of medication among other things I came out to that dark place. Two years latter was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was numb. I went to the whole treatment. I was scared but tried to keep a positive attitude. I took a medication for five years along with antidepressants and medication for anxiety. Couldn't have children. Currently I'm by my self my relationship also ended. At this point of my life I'm a little discourage. Things that I have done to improve my disease, eat healthy, exercise, learn a lot about this illness. I'm not in a good place right know because I'm switching medications and the transition has put me trough help. I have episodes of depression, irritability, crying spells, sadness o extreme anxiety. It is a roller coaster. I feel helpless because I was talking to someone who has a doctorate degree in physiology and throughout our discussion I have the idea that I have becoming distimic with episodes of depression and anxiety. This person told me that from people who suffer from dysthymia is very rare that they get a cure. And also dysthymia is highly resistant to treatment and patients often has to go from one medication to another.
It makes me sad and I feel helpless think that I will be like this for the rest of my life. I can't come to terms with that. I want to believe that one day this illness will be gone and I will be able to enjoy life. Simple life but a life without mental illness. I'm fighting for my life the best I can with medication, reading books, using supplements and talk therapy but sometimes I get so depress when I think about living my life in this sad place that is inside of me and having to live with this emotional pain.
I'm waiting for a miracle. I don't want to think about doing something to my self to end this pain. I know I won't do it but sometimes it gets difficult, very difficult but I'm here, alive and hoping for a better future. Despite all the pain, anxiety, depression and triggers, I'm here standing and not defeated.
My social phobia it was so bad that just knowing that I needed to talk to a stranger on the phone gave me a tremendous anticipatory anxiety. I felt embarrassed knowing that this fears prevented me from enjoying life and interfere with my job and interpersonal relationships. Never date in my twenties. My anxiety turned into mayor episodes of depressions since I went to three divorces, not mine but my mother. The fact that I didn't date, and I was still struggling with anxiety in my college years made me feel inadequate. Like there was something wrong with me.
I managed to graduated and have a career but even there my anxiety was interfering with my performance at work and my relationships with my coworkers. I always have these feeling of sadness that rearly went away. I can't remember feeling ok and enjoying my daily life except for very brief periods in my life and I'm 44. I did the unthinkable for someone who suffer from depression and extreme anxiety. I moved away from my country, learned a new language and no family in my new home. That was a big step and a hard that triggered my anxiety and depression. Finally I met someone and started dating him. There was to much drama and at some point I got pregnant. My issues with my partner trigger again my anxiety and depression so at 26 weeks far in my pregnancy I had an emergency c-section. My baby was born and put on NICU. Those were the days more difficult of my life, seen my precious baby fighting for his life, unfortunately I saw him waisting his life away and he died. I went to a very dark place. I was severely depressed. I didn't want to live. The pain was unbearable but with the help of medication among other things I came out to that dark place. Two years latter was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was numb. I went to the whole treatment. I was scared but tried to keep a positive attitude. I took a medication for five years along with antidepressants and medication for anxiety. Couldn't have children. Currently I'm by my self my relationship also ended. At this point of my life I'm a little discourage. Things that I have done to improve my disease, eat healthy, exercise, learn a lot about this illness. I'm not in a good place right know because I'm switching medications and the transition has put me trough help. I have episodes of depression, irritability, crying spells, sadness o extreme anxiety. It is a roller coaster. I feel helpless because I was talking to someone who has a doctorate degree in physiology and throughout our discussion I have the idea that I have becoming distimic with episodes of depression and anxiety. This person told me that from people who suffer from dysthymia is very rare that they get a cure. And also dysthymia is highly resistant to treatment and patients often has to go from one medication to another.
It makes me sad and I feel helpless think that I will be like this for the rest of my life. I can't come to terms with that. I want to believe that one day this illness will be gone and I will be able to enjoy life. Simple life but a life without mental illness. I'm fighting for my life the best I can with medication, reading books, using supplements and talk therapy but sometimes I get so depress when I think about living my life in this sad place that is inside of me and having to live with this emotional pain.
I'm waiting for a miracle. I don't want to think about doing something to my self to end this pain. I know I won't do it but sometimes it gets difficult, very difficult but I'm here, alive and hoping for a better future. Despite all the pain, anxiety, depression and triggers, I'm here standing and not defeated.