WaterPrince
03-29-2013, 08:31 AM
Hello everyone, my name is Max and I am 21 years old.
It has taken nearly all my strength to join this forum, as of today I have been unable to read anything about anxiety without suffering an anxiety attack. I am shaking as I type this but I can't not talk about it anymore.
There is just so much to say, it is very difficult to decide on how to start - plus I am not even sure that anyone will read this. My body is already telling me to forget about it and delete my account just for the anxiety that I am beginning to feel. I suppose it is better to start with the first time I ever experienced a panic attack. Unfortunately, I do not remember the trigger, but I do remember that it occurred when I was at school. I had tightness in my chest and felt nausea and dizziness. I was admitted to the nurse in an attempt to wait it out, or to see if it would go away. It didn't, so my father came by to take me home. The panic attack happened in the car on the way home. I was getting a lecture about pretending to be ill to get out of school - it was relentless but not so bad - however it took a turn for the worse. I was sure I was having a stroke as the left side of my body just started buzzing. I could feel the complete flow of my blood and it was so intense. At the time, I didn't realise that I was also hyperventilating. My father pulled over, worried of course, and then it calmed down. It was beyond terrifying, I thought I was going to die - as many panic attack sufferers also feel.
I had no idea I was suffering from Anxiety and continued to have panic attacks up till now. On one occasion, again at school, I had to be removed from a common room for blacking out after I had a panic attack. I couldn't walk and had to be dragged from the room. I was asked no questions. I told them I was having panic attacks. No one told me anything. They thought it was stress from exams and coursework and shrugged it off. I didn't, but merely had to accept their theories even though innately I knew something was wrong. My ability to concentrate or focus fizzled quite quickly, to the point where even the word 'exam' set my teeth on age and made me so anxious I simply had to stop trying or I knew I was going to go through it again. I've had a few counselors and people to talk to. I've even been on some medication for it, though only briefly. Unfortunately, I was not vigilant enough in the beginning. I didn't know it was anxiety or that I could have a disorder that wouldn't just go away over time. It was around this time that my anxiety began to spread into other factors of my life. For one, due to my experiences at school, I feared most of all that no one would believe me, regardless of what I would say. This would make me completely isolated as I could not pull together even the concept of trust to confide in anyone. I am still like that now, though I am trying my absolute hardest.
From what little I have read, it seems as if there some stressor that allows a disorder to present itself. Mine must be the illness of my mother. She has Bipolar with schizoid, and mainly around the time I was in school she was at her worst. My father could not handle it and my brother was too young to understand, so I took it upon myself to do something. I couldn't just do nothing when she was sat by herself in the dark, muttering to herself. Or when she knew the house was bugged and that she was being followed by the police for killing her mother(who died of a heart attack). I knew I wasn't capable of handling it but I couldn't do nothing so I tried to help. Stupidly, I thought that if I learned more about her condition by studying Psychology through my A levels that I could help her more. That lasted a year before I couldn't do it anymore. There is so much to say about that period but it is very difficult to explain and put into words.
My ability to make friends is nearly non-existent now - though thankfully I have some very dear friends that I hope will stay friends with me for some time to come. On the occasion that I can meet with them, it is absolutely impossible for me to go anywhere alone. I have also been blessed(somehow) with a beautiful boyfriend that loves me and cares for me enough to go through all this with me. He is usually the one that has to accompany me to go anywhere, as innately I feel there are few people I can trust. My outings are few and far between. To emphasise this, I will tell you a little of my situation. I am English and lived in Newcastle until February of last year. I then moved over to the Netherlands(Holland) to live with my dutch boyfriend whilst he finished off his studies. It is coming up to a year and a half since I got here, and so far I have seen the supermarket around the corner more times than anywhere else. That is about all I can manage. I can almost manage getting there by myself. I have been to Amsterdam once(not counting Schipol, the airport) and have been to Rotterdam maybe 6 or 7 times. I cannot manage to go anywhere else as of yet. These facts simply encourage and speed along the feelings of shame and disappointment I have for myself.
The symptoms for my attacks vary but are pretty much categorised in general anxiety. They have evolved from hyperventilation and blackouts/fainting to moments of psychosis and continued irrationality. It almost feels like my anxiety will no longer allow hyperventilation as it puts me in a position of weakness, therefore stopping me from escaping when I am having an attack. I now have sudden moments of impulsive neurosis where I am convinced an event is about to occur. One such example is that I was scratched by one of the cats that stay with my parents. He is just a kitten and is quite playful. I rubbed some anti-septic cream into the wound and forgot about it. The thought returned to me later when I was speaking with my mother about something completely different(she is much better now :) ) and suddenly I realised that the kitten had given me rabies. I was glued to my seat. I just couldn't believe that I was going to die and therefore hurt all the people I love and miss out on my future etc etc. Thank goodness my boyfriend knows me. He made up an excuse and asked me what was wrong and managed to calm me down. The awful thing is, I haven't told anyone how I usually am when it isn't obvious. I am nearly always in a state of anxiety, regardless of how small or how calm I think I am. There is always a thought on the edge of my mind telling me to be wary or this or worried about that. It makes it worse that I want to be a writer. I love fiction and love to delve into worlds where everything is different and magical and whatnot. That sounds dismissive, but I do love writing. The problem now is that it requires a lot of imagination. This used to be an escape for me to get away from problems I was experiencing. Now it's become a prison. I cannot escape the images that my anxiety seems to create for me. I have ran downstairs barely clothed, about to run outside and look for my partner, because I have had the sudden image that my boyfriend has suffered a brain hemorrhage and is lying down in the street, moments from death because there is no one around to help him. It's getting harder and harder to explain myself to anyone at all. Even my partners sister, who has agoraphobia from anxiety, is difficult to talk to for me. I have absolutely no idea why. I should feel like I can talk to her but I can't. I can't talk to my partner much, or my parents or other members of family, because I feel like it's unfair. I am frightened of myself, so god knows how everyone else will feel about it. I can't be selfish in that sense. Though now I am not sure if that is selfish or not. I'm pretty confused about everything nowadays. I'm also getting physical symptoms of anxiety. My shoulders and back always hurt from tensing and my teeth are becoming sensitive from all the grinding I seem to do. I also have very defined upper abs because I am nearly always in a state of tension.
That's about all I can manage so far. Though even whilst I'm writing this all, I can hear what a reader would think: Why haven't you done anything to stop it? I've tried. I've spoken to my GP 3 times. I've had three reworded versions of 'hormones, growing up and stress'. I can't trust doctors anymore. I'm sure they won't believe me and they'll pretend like it's something else. Or I'm frightened of medication, that it will change me and modify me in a negative way(like I watched happen with my mum). Then I am also haunted by the possibility that I am much, much more ill than I think I am and that I will be locked away in a padded room for most of my life, with visits from the people I love that never listen to a single word I say again.
There. I did it. I have to say firstly that I hope this does not upset anyone nor give anyone a panic attack or anxiety. I just had to do this at least once. I haven't stopped shaking, but the anxiety in my stomach has slowed down. My thanks to whoever created this website so that I could just get a chunk of it out. My thoughts go out to everyone who experiences anxiety and/or depression, and I hope that you recover and lead wonderful lives full of happiness.
Yours thankfully,
Max
It has taken nearly all my strength to join this forum, as of today I have been unable to read anything about anxiety without suffering an anxiety attack. I am shaking as I type this but I can't not talk about it anymore.
There is just so much to say, it is very difficult to decide on how to start - plus I am not even sure that anyone will read this. My body is already telling me to forget about it and delete my account just for the anxiety that I am beginning to feel. I suppose it is better to start with the first time I ever experienced a panic attack. Unfortunately, I do not remember the trigger, but I do remember that it occurred when I was at school. I had tightness in my chest and felt nausea and dizziness. I was admitted to the nurse in an attempt to wait it out, or to see if it would go away. It didn't, so my father came by to take me home. The panic attack happened in the car on the way home. I was getting a lecture about pretending to be ill to get out of school - it was relentless but not so bad - however it took a turn for the worse. I was sure I was having a stroke as the left side of my body just started buzzing. I could feel the complete flow of my blood and it was so intense. At the time, I didn't realise that I was also hyperventilating. My father pulled over, worried of course, and then it calmed down. It was beyond terrifying, I thought I was going to die - as many panic attack sufferers also feel.
I had no idea I was suffering from Anxiety and continued to have panic attacks up till now. On one occasion, again at school, I had to be removed from a common room for blacking out after I had a panic attack. I couldn't walk and had to be dragged from the room. I was asked no questions. I told them I was having panic attacks. No one told me anything. They thought it was stress from exams and coursework and shrugged it off. I didn't, but merely had to accept their theories even though innately I knew something was wrong. My ability to concentrate or focus fizzled quite quickly, to the point where even the word 'exam' set my teeth on age and made me so anxious I simply had to stop trying or I knew I was going to go through it again. I've had a few counselors and people to talk to. I've even been on some medication for it, though only briefly. Unfortunately, I was not vigilant enough in the beginning. I didn't know it was anxiety or that I could have a disorder that wouldn't just go away over time. It was around this time that my anxiety began to spread into other factors of my life. For one, due to my experiences at school, I feared most of all that no one would believe me, regardless of what I would say. This would make me completely isolated as I could not pull together even the concept of trust to confide in anyone. I am still like that now, though I am trying my absolute hardest.
From what little I have read, it seems as if there some stressor that allows a disorder to present itself. Mine must be the illness of my mother. She has Bipolar with schizoid, and mainly around the time I was in school she was at her worst. My father could not handle it and my brother was too young to understand, so I took it upon myself to do something. I couldn't just do nothing when she was sat by herself in the dark, muttering to herself. Or when she knew the house was bugged and that she was being followed by the police for killing her mother(who died of a heart attack). I knew I wasn't capable of handling it but I couldn't do nothing so I tried to help. Stupidly, I thought that if I learned more about her condition by studying Psychology through my A levels that I could help her more. That lasted a year before I couldn't do it anymore. There is so much to say about that period but it is very difficult to explain and put into words.
My ability to make friends is nearly non-existent now - though thankfully I have some very dear friends that I hope will stay friends with me for some time to come. On the occasion that I can meet with them, it is absolutely impossible for me to go anywhere alone. I have also been blessed(somehow) with a beautiful boyfriend that loves me and cares for me enough to go through all this with me. He is usually the one that has to accompany me to go anywhere, as innately I feel there are few people I can trust. My outings are few and far between. To emphasise this, I will tell you a little of my situation. I am English and lived in Newcastle until February of last year. I then moved over to the Netherlands(Holland) to live with my dutch boyfriend whilst he finished off his studies. It is coming up to a year and a half since I got here, and so far I have seen the supermarket around the corner more times than anywhere else. That is about all I can manage. I can almost manage getting there by myself. I have been to Amsterdam once(not counting Schipol, the airport) and have been to Rotterdam maybe 6 or 7 times. I cannot manage to go anywhere else as of yet. These facts simply encourage and speed along the feelings of shame and disappointment I have for myself.
The symptoms for my attacks vary but are pretty much categorised in general anxiety. They have evolved from hyperventilation and blackouts/fainting to moments of psychosis and continued irrationality. It almost feels like my anxiety will no longer allow hyperventilation as it puts me in a position of weakness, therefore stopping me from escaping when I am having an attack. I now have sudden moments of impulsive neurosis where I am convinced an event is about to occur. One such example is that I was scratched by one of the cats that stay with my parents. He is just a kitten and is quite playful. I rubbed some anti-septic cream into the wound and forgot about it. The thought returned to me later when I was speaking with my mother about something completely different(she is much better now :) ) and suddenly I realised that the kitten had given me rabies. I was glued to my seat. I just couldn't believe that I was going to die and therefore hurt all the people I love and miss out on my future etc etc. Thank goodness my boyfriend knows me. He made up an excuse and asked me what was wrong and managed to calm me down. The awful thing is, I haven't told anyone how I usually am when it isn't obvious. I am nearly always in a state of anxiety, regardless of how small or how calm I think I am. There is always a thought on the edge of my mind telling me to be wary or this or worried about that. It makes it worse that I want to be a writer. I love fiction and love to delve into worlds where everything is different and magical and whatnot. That sounds dismissive, but I do love writing. The problem now is that it requires a lot of imagination. This used to be an escape for me to get away from problems I was experiencing. Now it's become a prison. I cannot escape the images that my anxiety seems to create for me. I have ran downstairs barely clothed, about to run outside and look for my partner, because I have had the sudden image that my boyfriend has suffered a brain hemorrhage and is lying down in the street, moments from death because there is no one around to help him. It's getting harder and harder to explain myself to anyone at all. Even my partners sister, who has agoraphobia from anxiety, is difficult to talk to for me. I have absolutely no idea why. I should feel like I can talk to her but I can't. I can't talk to my partner much, or my parents or other members of family, because I feel like it's unfair. I am frightened of myself, so god knows how everyone else will feel about it. I can't be selfish in that sense. Though now I am not sure if that is selfish or not. I'm pretty confused about everything nowadays. I'm also getting physical symptoms of anxiety. My shoulders and back always hurt from tensing and my teeth are becoming sensitive from all the grinding I seem to do. I also have very defined upper abs because I am nearly always in a state of tension.
That's about all I can manage so far. Though even whilst I'm writing this all, I can hear what a reader would think: Why haven't you done anything to stop it? I've tried. I've spoken to my GP 3 times. I've had three reworded versions of 'hormones, growing up and stress'. I can't trust doctors anymore. I'm sure they won't believe me and they'll pretend like it's something else. Or I'm frightened of medication, that it will change me and modify me in a negative way(like I watched happen with my mum). Then I am also haunted by the possibility that I am much, much more ill than I think I am and that I will be locked away in a padded room for most of my life, with visits from the people I love that never listen to a single word I say again.
There. I did it. I have to say firstly that I hope this does not upset anyone nor give anyone a panic attack or anxiety. I just had to do this at least once. I haven't stopped shaking, but the anxiety in my stomach has slowed down. My thanks to whoever created this website so that I could just get a chunk of it out. My thoughts go out to everyone who experiences anxiety and/or depression, and I hope that you recover and lead wonderful lives full of happiness.
Yours thankfully,
Max