jnowenby
03-29-2013, 06:40 AM
Hey. Thanks for reading. So, a little background info. I am 20 years old at a prestigious university. My anxiety started a year ago. B/c of the difficulty of assignments and huge workload at my school, I had my first recognizable panic attack, freaked out, and have had anxiety ever since. Now, however, it's not really about academics as much as my brain gets obsessed with these crazy, irrational obsessive thoughts. I mean really dumb stuff. For instance, I've been scared about being schizophrenic, to having restless leg syndrome and not being able to sleep ever again, to even being possessed b/c I saw a stupid horror film about it.
So, I managed to get rid of pretty much all of these at some point or another, but the RLS and the possession one come back from time to time. I was worlds better in that respect and went home for Spring Break about 3 weeks ago. This is a big deal b/c I usually have anxiety about leaving home or leaving school, b/c I get comfortable there. Nothing happens to me wherever I'm staying at the time, so I get scared that something will happen to me elsewhere. I suppose wherever I'm staying becomes something like a safe haven. This time, that fear was super minimal and I was so, so happy about it! Anyway, the last night I was supposed to be home, I woke up in the middle of the night, put to sleep the computer monitor that likes to randomly wake up, and got up to use the bathroom. For some reason, I got really bad anxiety. I never get anxiety when I wake up in the middle of the night, but I did for then for some reason. And what did my brain latch on to? Those obsessive thoughts. Particularly the possession one b/c that is the last thing I had gotten rid of, so I suppose it was freshest in my mind. It changed though. Instead of being scared of being possessed, I was scared not that it WOULD happen, but rather that I would start believing that I was and go crazy. I couldn't get back to sleep and had the worst bout of anxiety I have had since I first got my anxiety. My mom woke up and I was so, so upset and all of the sudden, terrified of going back to school. I sucked it up, got ready, and went back, b/c the longer I waited the harder it would get. The next few days were some of the hardest I've had since my anxiety started, but I forced myself to live my normal life. I went to the beach w/ my friends as planned. I had issues, but at least I forced myself to go. Anyway, it's slowly getting better in the obsessive thought respect, but my anxiety it really starting to affect me badly.
I can't get home. It's Easter weekend and I'm religious. Easter is one of my favorite holidays and I love spending it w/ my family. The problem is that after everything that happened last time I was home, I am terrified that something will happen again and this time I wn't be able to get back to school. Or, more so, I'm scared that I'll get so attached to being home with my mom (who is basically my safe person) that I won't want to come back. I love my school and I decided late in the game that I am going to be pre-med, so it is pretty important that I stay in school and also go to summer school this summer to catch up. I'll be a junior this fall.
It's just really frustrating. My mom lives with my grandpa and we very recently lost my grandma. I know they need me home, and I want to be there. I just feel like school is too important to give up right now...or even chance it, particularly when I am so close to being done w/ this semester. I need to be successful for them.
Any suggestions at all?? Sorry for the novel.
So, I managed to get rid of pretty much all of these at some point or another, but the RLS and the possession one come back from time to time. I was worlds better in that respect and went home for Spring Break about 3 weeks ago. This is a big deal b/c I usually have anxiety about leaving home or leaving school, b/c I get comfortable there. Nothing happens to me wherever I'm staying at the time, so I get scared that something will happen to me elsewhere. I suppose wherever I'm staying becomes something like a safe haven. This time, that fear was super minimal and I was so, so happy about it! Anyway, the last night I was supposed to be home, I woke up in the middle of the night, put to sleep the computer monitor that likes to randomly wake up, and got up to use the bathroom. For some reason, I got really bad anxiety. I never get anxiety when I wake up in the middle of the night, but I did for then for some reason. And what did my brain latch on to? Those obsessive thoughts. Particularly the possession one b/c that is the last thing I had gotten rid of, so I suppose it was freshest in my mind. It changed though. Instead of being scared of being possessed, I was scared not that it WOULD happen, but rather that I would start believing that I was and go crazy. I couldn't get back to sleep and had the worst bout of anxiety I have had since I first got my anxiety. My mom woke up and I was so, so upset and all of the sudden, terrified of going back to school. I sucked it up, got ready, and went back, b/c the longer I waited the harder it would get. The next few days were some of the hardest I've had since my anxiety started, but I forced myself to live my normal life. I went to the beach w/ my friends as planned. I had issues, but at least I forced myself to go. Anyway, it's slowly getting better in the obsessive thought respect, but my anxiety it really starting to affect me badly.
I can't get home. It's Easter weekend and I'm religious. Easter is one of my favorite holidays and I love spending it w/ my family. The problem is that after everything that happened last time I was home, I am terrified that something will happen again and this time I wn't be able to get back to school. Or, more so, I'm scared that I'll get so attached to being home with my mom (who is basically my safe person) that I won't want to come back. I love my school and I decided late in the game that I am going to be pre-med, so it is pretty important that I stay in school and also go to summer school this summer to catch up. I'll be a junior this fall.
It's just really frustrating. My mom lives with my grandpa and we very recently lost my grandma. I know they need me home, and I want to be there. I just feel like school is too important to give up right now...or even chance it, particularly when I am so close to being done w/ this semester. I need to be successful for them.
Any suggestions at all?? Sorry for the novel.