KitahD
03-27-2013, 09:58 PM
Hello everyone...I'll cut to chase...I'm 35, a mother of three (6.5, 4, and 1.5), married, work part-time...had my first panic attack last October. I've always had some level of OCD. I've often thought of an action leading to a result or consequence. Example, if I drive through a light and it stays green then I'll do well on an upcoming exam (back when I was in school!). Another example, if I make this basket, then such-and-such will happen. I hope that makes sense to some of you! Do I really think that my action affects the outcome? No, but I still thought and continue to think that way. I've always had some degree of social phobia. Fearing people are looking at me if I simply go to the grocery store.
Last October, I was going to bed and had this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't myself. I felt like I wasn't in control of myself. I feared I was going to do something to someone. I woke my husband and tried to explain what I was feeling. No pounding heart rate, no increased respiration. Just an overwhelming fear of not being in control and fear of harming someone. I'm not a violent person and have never had thoughts of violence until then. It was more of a fear of "what if I loose control"? I had some wine and was able to sleep.
The following day, I called multiple therapists - desperate to be seen because my thinking hadn't returned to normal. I would look at drawings my children made and think there was some sinister message. I would hear my children say something and think there was another meaning. I'm a Christian...but began to fear that I was being controlled by something...my thoughts weren't normal at all. I found a therapist, went to my doctor, started Xanax and Zoloft. I've since not taken Xanax for quite sometime. Perhaps twice in the past two months. I'm taking 50mg Zoloft once daily.
I'm trying to be brief as I know how difficult it is to read through lengthy posts...basically, I'm writing here so I can learn more about myself and how to stop/cope. I'm incredibly irritable with my kids (I don't get physical or use inappropriate language) - I do get very short with them. The constant questions they ask and messes make me extremely tense. I'm constantly stressed over cleaning. Hate the bickering between them...I'm getting irritated just writing about it! I haven't been great about seeing my therapist. I've only seen them once this month.
Anybody else think irrational thoughts such as reading more meaning into a stupid drawing by their child? Hearing others say something and think it means something more? Any input would be appreciated. I haven't had another panic attack, per se, but there are definite highs and lows to my anxiety level that weren't an issue prior to last October.
Thanks for reading...
Last October, I was going to bed and had this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't myself. I felt like I wasn't in control of myself. I feared I was going to do something to someone. I woke my husband and tried to explain what I was feeling. No pounding heart rate, no increased respiration. Just an overwhelming fear of not being in control and fear of harming someone. I'm not a violent person and have never had thoughts of violence until then. It was more of a fear of "what if I loose control"? I had some wine and was able to sleep.
The following day, I called multiple therapists - desperate to be seen because my thinking hadn't returned to normal. I would look at drawings my children made and think there was some sinister message. I would hear my children say something and think there was another meaning. I'm a Christian...but began to fear that I was being controlled by something...my thoughts weren't normal at all. I found a therapist, went to my doctor, started Xanax and Zoloft. I've since not taken Xanax for quite sometime. Perhaps twice in the past two months. I'm taking 50mg Zoloft once daily.
I'm trying to be brief as I know how difficult it is to read through lengthy posts...basically, I'm writing here so I can learn more about myself and how to stop/cope. I'm incredibly irritable with my kids (I don't get physical or use inappropriate language) - I do get very short with them. The constant questions they ask and messes make me extremely tense. I'm constantly stressed over cleaning. Hate the bickering between them...I'm getting irritated just writing about it! I haven't been great about seeing my therapist. I've only seen them once this month.
Anybody else think irrational thoughts such as reading more meaning into a stupid drawing by their child? Hearing others say something and think it means something more? Any input would be appreciated. I haven't had another panic attack, per se, but there are definite highs and lows to my anxiety level that weren't an issue prior to last October.
Thanks for reading...