new girlriend...

[phishn4842]

This is my first girlfriend since anxiety has kind of taken hold, and I find myself questioning everything. she is beautiful, smart, sweet, and a perfect match for me. but somehow my head is always going and having these questions about our relationship. and I become soo analytical about everything she says that it drives me to the point of almost breaking up with her, which I know would be a stupid move. Its just soo weird and soo hard to describe. like if were just sitting quietly on the couch my head will just start having this mental conversation with itself like...Why isnt she sayong anything? why am i not saying anything? should I say something? what should I say? does she even like me? its a vicious cycle..and one that I want to escape from before she breaks up with me. and sometimes it just feels like she doesnt really like me...but I feel like thats just my anxiety making me feel tat way...cuz I can just tell by the way she looks at me other times, that everything is alright...then when we go to bed everything is great ( i dont mean in the sexy way...well actually thats pretty good too...but i mean in the sense that she snuggles right up...gives me a kiss goodnight and we hold eachother for a while..) Ive told her about how i have anxiety and she cool with it (not that she really has a choice!) but Im not sure exactly how much she really understands about it. does anyone else have these feelings in their own relationships? I know my constant seek for reassurance from her will get old after a while, and i really dont want that to happen...

[javaman38]

Yes, I think people with anxiety, such as myself, want to lean on people in their lives to feel safe, but it's better to learn to face anxiety alone and comfort yourself.

[dorigen]

Haha, yes very typical anxiety pattern with relationships. I only laugh because I know EXACTLY what you are going through having done the same thing myself...

Anyways, first things first, stop asking for reassurance. Reassurance is a safety behavior that will only perpetuate anxiety. You will feel better short term with reassurance but long term you will be stuck. Anxiety stems a lot from being unable to accept uncertainty, in this case, there is no way you could ever be certain that your girlfriend really does like you because it's impossible to ever be inside her head to know for sure. As you learn to accept uncertainty, anxiety will begin to diminish because you stop trying to control what you can't.

Check out The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy. There is a great chapter on relationships that will help you.

He does a great exercise where you are supposed to note exactly what is going on. For instance- you are sitting on the couch watchign tv silently with your girlfriend. In your head, you may say, "oh my god, she's not looking at me, she must not like me, i wonder if she thinks we should be talking, i wonder if she can tell I'm anxious, is this boring?, etc. etc."

But now note what's happening as if you were an outsider looking into hte living room - "My girlfriend is sitting quietly on the couch watching tv. I'm next to her holding her hand. The show we're watching is funny". In reality the situation is perfectly normal. It's a good way to try to seperate yourself from your worries and get back to reality, which isn't that scary afterall.

[Job_314]

Yeah, my anxiety started about half-way through a six month relationship I'm currently in, and I've started having the same thoughts you do... and I know I didn't have them for the first 3 months I started dating this girl.

I know how you feel, and it's really weird... but the medications I'm on seem to be helping. Just try not to worry about it, as hard as it is. Say what and when you want when it feels comfortable, if there was an issue, she wouldn't be with you. Plus, explain it to her, I'm sure she is willing to listen and help comfort you.

But you're not alone mate ;)

[CallMeCrazy]

Just try to relax and tell her about the anxious feelings you have. If she's the one for you she will stand by you and make you feel better. I know mine does.