No personality without alcohol

[CantTalkSober]

Hi i'm new here and this might be a long read but it's good to be able to finally put my issues into words. I'm 23 years old and have had roughly 7 different people I could call friends since the age of 18. I went through 3 years of college without uttering a word to any more than 2 people in my class. For the first 3 years of college I was in a relationship and I've tried blaming that on the fact I didn't integrate with other people - but the harsh reality is that I just didn't try hard enough. I tried a bit harder in final year but in truth it was too late. I had some fun nights out etc but friendships had already been established and I finished college with no friends made. I know what my problem is - I have major difficulty expressing my personality when i'm not drinking alcohol. Conversation when sober does not come naturally to me at all. It's like I try think of things to say but can never think of anything of value or anything funny to say. Talking feels forced and I feel uninteresting so I don't do it much. Even at home I stay in my room all day and barely talk to my parents - just because I'm so useless at small talk. The annoying thing is that as soon as I have a few drinks I become the kind of person I'd love to be. I'm talkative, outgoing and easily able to hold conversations- nothing feels forced it's all so natural. I also come across as funny. It's like my personality does a 180 degree turn. Real friendships are forged when you're able to talk sober though. I avoided going to about 80% of lectures in college solely because I knew I'd be on my own and not have the guts to try and talk. I still got my degree but that's not the point.

I feel really down and sad while writing this because it feels like its too late for me to change. 23 years old, and missed out on any real value from college (the best time of your life) all because of my inability to hold conversations or even start them when i'm sober. I hate being so ridiculously overly quiet. I even find myself not really interested in talking to others when i'm not drinking. At the age I am now and being finished in college I sometimes feel as if there's no worth to me in changing. I've already missed the best part of life and now it will be just work and die. If anyone has any thoughts or advice on an issue like this I'd appreciate it as I feel quite low. thanks

[alankay]

In reality for you, life is just now beginning. I'm 49 and can tell you 23 is indeed young.
Have you seen a pdoc or therapist for any kind of diagnoses(if any)? I too as do may feel uninhibited more so with some beer in me. That's part of the alcohol(decreases inhibition's). It sounds more like a touch more of a very mild personality disorder as you didn't mention significant fear or distress at all but maybe you do feel that too. Of course this is just knee jerk reaction but you may have a small tendency for just a few traits of something like(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depressive_personality_disorder) along with social anxiety. Mind you many folks don't always have all the symptoms of a given disorder and there is/often overlap in many disorders symptoms. Just keep an open mind and for the quality of your life I'd think about seeing someone that might help you feel better. Please stop beating yourself up over all this! PM me any time. Alankay

[omoplata]

Alankay not sure what your line of work is but if you are not a couselor or therapist you seriously need to consider a career change. The advice you give is sound.

[alankay]

Thanks!!! Just an IT Tech(with many other interests) who tries to live a normal live despite my anxiety. I sure do appreciate the compliment.
I thought somebody might think I had read too much into this young mans post but it just seems anxiety alone doesn't fit all for him. Heck we all have little quirks, etc. Heck I'm shy too....I just keep tryin'. I hope he sees himself not just for what he's not done but what positive things he has done and what he can do and become. Soooo much potential as a person........ just by reading the thought process I can tell he's a very bright chap! Alankay.