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View Full Version : Didn't think I'd be back



bhamlaxy
03-12-2013, 09:41 AM
Hello all. Long time no see.

Here's my story.

Used to work crazy hours. Like 12 hour days, 7 days a week for months on end. I got to a point where I was under extreme stress. Like a dam about to break. I used to enjoy marijuana, but had been using it less and less. I smoked one night and knew within minutes something was wrong. Had a 3 hour panic attack. Walked around convincing myself not to call 911. It was like I was tripping on acid. I was under so much stress at that point it was like I was trying to plug a dam with my fingers, but that night the dam broke. After 3 hours of pacing, trying to lie down, racing thoughts and complete derealization I finally calmed down enough to go to sleep.

I realized it was a panic attack, and some issues I had in a previous job that were similar were also smaller panic attacks. My job ended a week later (it was a temporary election job) and I struggled to finish things up, using small doses of ativan I had from flight anxiety years ago.

When the job was over, I thought the panic would be over. But my first day off, I woke up in a panic. I have no idea why. For the next several weeks, that was a daily issue. Constant panic. Extreme derealization. I'd jump out of bed every morning in pure panic, pace around and wait until an ativan kicked in. It was hell. Through therapy and lexapro, a few months later it all stopped. I've used ativan once in the past 9 months (randomly had super puffy eyes, thought I was having an extreme allergic reaction and panicked).

That was just about one year ago (the big panic attack was March 15th). Since then I've got a fantastic 9-5 fairly calm job, perfectly in my career track. It's everything I could have hoped for. Relationship with girlfriend is decent. Good friends. And I've taken control of my health and went from 228 lbs to 194 in the past 5 months. I love working out, and eat very healthy.

Which brings me to the last few days. Last week I was fine all day, but had a bout of panic while trying to fall asleep. I just toss and turn for a few minutes and relax myself.

Now from Sunday until today, I've been dealing with near-constant derealization. I'm just tense all the time, everything feels weird, and existence is almost overwhelming. It reminds me of my flight anxiety- it's like I have this urge to "get off the plane" but the plane is my body, and obviously I can't take a break from that. My thoughts are cloudy and I'm constantly on edge. A few brief moments of true anxiety, especially when trying to fall asleep last night. I know things take a turn for the worse when I get this prickly heat sensation across my body, and that has happened a few times.

Fortunately I have not yet needed an ativan. I do still take lexapro and see my therapist (although monthly now). But these past few days I find myself constantly preoccupied with anxiety. I continually think about it, analyze how I feel and end up feeling derealization, a disconnect from my body and the world, and a huge fear of the unknown. I always come back to the thought that "this is all CRAZY! How did we get here, how am I here right now, this makes no sense at all" and while in the past this triggered thoughts of wonder and amazement, now it just produces fear. Fortunately I am still fully functional, but the past few days have been tough.

I don't know why this has picked up again after so many great months, and for all I know it could go away tomorrow. The only cause I can imagine is the fact that this Friday will be one year since the big one, and I'm overwhelmed with the thought of still being medicated, seeing a therapist and dealing with panic for an entire year. It's like a subconcious symbol in my mind that is making me preoccupied with the thought of anxiety.

Just wanted to kind of vent and express myself, since I remember how much this site helped me a year ago. And maybe see if anyone else has dealt with a situation like this.

NixonRulz
03-12-2013, 10:19 AM
I have had setbacks along the way as well and I still get the adrenaline rushes occassionally but I just don't react to it much.

Maybe because it has happened so many times that I truly understand what it is

Under stress it may take a moment or two longer.

Biggest thing is to not beat yourself up for a setback. You sound like you have done well.

Those things will always happen. I do not believe there is anyone here that is 100% back to who they were before anxiety

It is how you understand and react to it that brings relief

Also don't beat yourself up over the meds or the doc. Be thankful there are things that can help you.

Do what you have to do to stay well and if that means meds for life, big deal.

You got this. No problem

jessed03
03-12-2013, 10:32 AM
Biggest thing is to not beat yourself up for a setback. You sound like you have done well.

Those things will always happen. I do not believe there is anyone here that is 100% back to who they were before anxiety


The ex-president above said it best.

I had a really big setback about a year in. I went right back to how I felt when it all begun. I adjusted my approach a little bit, and I got back on the right road, and got healthy again fairly quickly. The progress you made isn't wasted. Your body hasn't forgotten that. You gotta get back to the formula, get back to whats working. For me, it was daily meditation, limited tv and laptop use, exercise, social activity, proper sleep and great diet. If I messed that up, I would feel a little off after a few days, and feel bad after a month.

I also noticed my CBT got lazy. I begun believing and taking notice of all the nonsense going on in my mind during periods of anxiety, and let it back in to bully me. Sounds like maybe it's happening a little to you too.

Sometimes we buy back into the whole anxiety trap when it re-immerges after a while. We haven't see it for a while, and so it frightens us a bit again, we read too much into it. Truth is, you could just be going through a chemical change, or a psychological processing - that may make you feel bad for a bit, but is a necessary part of healing. This could be nothing but a passing thing. I think you have it spot on. I think the one year anniversary thing is big to a sufferer. Every single November, when mine comes around, I ask myself, am I doing better or worse than the year before? Have I improved my condition? If the answer isn't satisfactory, which it seems like you may not feel yours is, then it does make me feel really bad, and really tense.

The reason I wanted to reply was what Nixon said... It interested me, the idea of going back to how you were pre-anxiety. I don't think anybody ever does. It's sort of unreasonable to think you can. The mind is very stretched when it comes to anxiety, and once something is stretched, it can't really become unstretched. But that's a good thing, surely, because it means you have a broader, more expansive mind. It means you know yourself better, and you understand yourself, and what triggers your fear, and what triggers your happiness. It means you have more compassion, and more space to tolerate when life doesn't turn out how you want.

I think this thread is good for you. Talk it out here, it's why I still visit. I don't want any of what you've said, inside of me, so I come here, and talk about it with others. I want to get out of me.

I believe this is an anxiety blip, and you'll break out of it, and get back to how you were. You've gotta remind your nervous system to relax. Try something extremely relaxing for a while. I do Yoga Nidra... it gets me back on track within a few days. I think it will with you too.

bhamlaxy
03-12-2013, 12:30 PM
Damn Jesse I think you nailed it right on the head.


I also noticed my CBT got lazy. I begun believing and taking notice of all the nonsense going on in my mind during periods of anxiety, and let it back in to bully me. Sounds like maybe it's happening a little to you too.

Sometimes we buy back into the whole anxiety trap when it re-immerges after a while. We haven't see it for a while, and so it frightens us a bit again, we read too much into it.

That's exactly how I feel. I mean I'm putting up a good enough fight to not totally flip out, but I'm letting it creep back in to the point of discomfort. Time to dust off the ol' Obitz book and do some TEA forms.

Thank you.

jessed03
03-12-2013, 06:27 PM
Yeah, same thing happened to me. After about a year, and some semi-normal living, I kind of thought I had it all figured out. I would get a few symptoms, and I begun letting doubts creep back in. I knew I wasn't going to have a full on panic attack, because I would never let it get that far now, but I had many restless nights. For instance, and this is funny. I once got heart palpitations after eating Chili. Instead of accepting I was tired and letting it go, I begun entertaining those thoughts that were always there. "Your body is wrecked, you can't tolerate this"... etc.... "It's gonna be hard to get fully cured, maybe you'll always be a bit broken."

Silly stuff like that, I let in. I got complacent. I knew I wasn't having 'negative' thoughts, and bullying myself with the whole 'You're so useless', but it was becoming death by a thousand cuts.

I think that line is awesome Bhamlaxy!! "I'm letting it creep in to the point of discomfort"... That sums it up perfectly!!!! It's like you don't let in the big stuff, the stuff that will take you down again, but all that little niggling stuff, after about a year, it sort of creeps back in, but it's never significant enough to do anything about....THEN SUDDENLY there's been too much of it, and we're feeling the effect.

Get those TEA forms dusted off, perform a few extra nervous system relaxation exercises (Whatever you like; meditation, relaxation tapes, yoga, massage etc etc etc etc)

You'll be good in no time. You've come too far to regress to it controlling your life.

NixonRulz
03-13-2013, 04:18 AM
"Your body is wrecked, you can't tolerate this"... etc.... "It's gonna be hard to get fully cured, maybe you'll always be a bit broken."

Great response Jessed.

I would add this regarding your quote above.

As screwed up as this sounds, I think I am a much better person having been through this.

It was such a long and painful battle that I truly appreciate the things around me so much more than I did pre anxiety

As horrible as this illness can be, there is something good in everything if we truly open our eyes

kerrielee
03-13-2013, 05:19 AM
Stop being so hard on yourself. You have done so well don't let a minor set back knock you off course. Good advice above do some mindfulness you time to get yourself back on an even keel.

Most of all be kind to yourself it's not your fault that this has happened and not anything you have done. Just stay positive and strive to get over this bout.

Good luck!