bhamlaxy
03-12-2013, 09:41 AM
Hello all. Long time no see.
Here's my story.
Used to work crazy hours. Like 12 hour days, 7 days a week for months on end. I got to a point where I was under extreme stress. Like a dam about to break. I used to enjoy marijuana, but had been using it less and less. I smoked one night and knew within minutes something was wrong. Had a 3 hour panic attack. Walked around convincing myself not to call 911. It was like I was tripping on acid. I was under so much stress at that point it was like I was trying to plug a dam with my fingers, but that night the dam broke. After 3 hours of pacing, trying to lie down, racing thoughts and complete derealization I finally calmed down enough to go to sleep.
I realized it was a panic attack, and some issues I had in a previous job that were similar were also smaller panic attacks. My job ended a week later (it was a temporary election job) and I struggled to finish things up, using small doses of ativan I had from flight anxiety years ago.
When the job was over, I thought the panic would be over. But my first day off, I woke up in a panic. I have no idea why. For the next several weeks, that was a daily issue. Constant panic. Extreme derealization. I'd jump out of bed every morning in pure panic, pace around and wait until an ativan kicked in. It was hell. Through therapy and lexapro, a few months later it all stopped. I've used ativan once in the past 9 months (randomly had super puffy eyes, thought I was having an extreme allergic reaction and panicked).
That was just about one year ago (the big panic attack was March 15th). Since then I've got a fantastic 9-5 fairly calm job, perfectly in my career track. It's everything I could have hoped for. Relationship with girlfriend is decent. Good friends. And I've taken control of my health and went from 228 lbs to 194 in the past 5 months. I love working out, and eat very healthy.
Which brings me to the last few days. Last week I was fine all day, but had a bout of panic while trying to fall asleep. I just toss and turn for a few minutes and relax myself.
Now from Sunday until today, I've been dealing with near-constant derealization. I'm just tense all the time, everything feels weird, and existence is almost overwhelming. It reminds me of my flight anxiety- it's like I have this urge to "get off the plane" but the plane is my body, and obviously I can't take a break from that. My thoughts are cloudy and I'm constantly on edge. A few brief moments of true anxiety, especially when trying to fall asleep last night. I know things take a turn for the worse when I get this prickly heat sensation across my body, and that has happened a few times.
Fortunately I have not yet needed an ativan. I do still take lexapro and see my therapist (although monthly now). But these past few days I find myself constantly preoccupied with anxiety. I continually think about it, analyze how I feel and end up feeling derealization, a disconnect from my body and the world, and a huge fear of the unknown. I always come back to the thought that "this is all CRAZY! How did we get here, how am I here right now, this makes no sense at all" and while in the past this triggered thoughts of wonder and amazement, now it just produces fear. Fortunately I am still fully functional, but the past few days have been tough.
I don't know why this has picked up again after so many great months, and for all I know it could go away tomorrow. The only cause I can imagine is the fact that this Friday will be one year since the big one, and I'm overwhelmed with the thought of still being medicated, seeing a therapist and dealing with panic for an entire year. It's like a subconcious symbol in my mind that is making me preoccupied with the thought of anxiety.
Just wanted to kind of vent and express myself, since I remember how much this site helped me a year ago. And maybe see if anyone else has dealt with a situation like this.
Here's my story.
Used to work crazy hours. Like 12 hour days, 7 days a week for months on end. I got to a point where I was under extreme stress. Like a dam about to break. I used to enjoy marijuana, but had been using it less and less. I smoked one night and knew within minutes something was wrong. Had a 3 hour panic attack. Walked around convincing myself not to call 911. It was like I was tripping on acid. I was under so much stress at that point it was like I was trying to plug a dam with my fingers, but that night the dam broke. After 3 hours of pacing, trying to lie down, racing thoughts and complete derealization I finally calmed down enough to go to sleep.
I realized it was a panic attack, and some issues I had in a previous job that were similar were also smaller panic attacks. My job ended a week later (it was a temporary election job) and I struggled to finish things up, using small doses of ativan I had from flight anxiety years ago.
When the job was over, I thought the panic would be over. But my first day off, I woke up in a panic. I have no idea why. For the next several weeks, that was a daily issue. Constant panic. Extreme derealization. I'd jump out of bed every morning in pure panic, pace around and wait until an ativan kicked in. It was hell. Through therapy and lexapro, a few months later it all stopped. I've used ativan once in the past 9 months (randomly had super puffy eyes, thought I was having an extreme allergic reaction and panicked).
That was just about one year ago (the big panic attack was March 15th). Since then I've got a fantastic 9-5 fairly calm job, perfectly in my career track. It's everything I could have hoped for. Relationship with girlfriend is decent. Good friends. And I've taken control of my health and went from 228 lbs to 194 in the past 5 months. I love working out, and eat very healthy.
Which brings me to the last few days. Last week I was fine all day, but had a bout of panic while trying to fall asleep. I just toss and turn for a few minutes and relax myself.
Now from Sunday until today, I've been dealing with near-constant derealization. I'm just tense all the time, everything feels weird, and existence is almost overwhelming. It reminds me of my flight anxiety- it's like I have this urge to "get off the plane" but the plane is my body, and obviously I can't take a break from that. My thoughts are cloudy and I'm constantly on edge. A few brief moments of true anxiety, especially when trying to fall asleep last night. I know things take a turn for the worse when I get this prickly heat sensation across my body, and that has happened a few times.
Fortunately I have not yet needed an ativan. I do still take lexapro and see my therapist (although monthly now). But these past few days I find myself constantly preoccupied with anxiety. I continually think about it, analyze how I feel and end up feeling derealization, a disconnect from my body and the world, and a huge fear of the unknown. I always come back to the thought that "this is all CRAZY! How did we get here, how am I here right now, this makes no sense at all" and while in the past this triggered thoughts of wonder and amazement, now it just produces fear. Fortunately I am still fully functional, but the past few days have been tough.
I don't know why this has picked up again after so many great months, and for all I know it could go away tomorrow. The only cause I can imagine is the fact that this Friday will be one year since the big one, and I'm overwhelmed with the thought of still being medicated, seeing a therapist and dealing with panic for an entire year. It's like a subconcious symbol in my mind that is making me preoccupied with the thought of anxiety.
Just wanted to kind of vent and express myself, since I remember how much this site helped me a year ago. And maybe see if anyone else has dealt with a situation like this.