A Life Built Around Social Anxiety Disorder

[bohemianbarbie]

It's funny that I have no problem giving advice to other people but when it comes to myself, I'm just completely helpless and lost. I think I'm more of the type of person who can relate to alot of peoples problems and I just give them the advice that I wish I would take myself. It's a ridiculous situation and sometimes it's almost hysterical just to watch myself and see myself as I am.

Like for instance, I will tell you guys that it's a well known fact that people really only care about themselves and when you go somewhere and think people are judging you, just remember that they are probably more worried about what you think of them then what they think of you. I guess it's just a simple syptom that no matter how much sense it makes, I will always believe the worst of it.

The thing that confuses me most is that there are times when I think everyone is starring at me and judging me, but there are times when I feel absolutely invisable, like nobody cares and nobody see's me or notices me. So I really have to ask myself what the real problem is because quite honestly if someone wants to take the time to stand there and stare at me and make judgements, then clearly more power to them for noticing my existence. I mean really, this just became painfully obvious to me. I'm sitting here in the house hiding from the world, I won't even go out to the mailbox to get the mail in fear that my neighbors are sitting in the window waiting to place judgments. I mean, surely people will stare around and people will have their first impressions but if they seriously have the time to sit there and place judgements and go home and talk about me then they clearly have nothing better to do eiether. And besides, I'm not that special, nobody gives a crap who I am or where I'm from or what the hell I do in my free time. People will judge you by your appearence, it's just a simple fact of life, the clothes you wear and the way you look give a statement to the world about who you are and they get a general idea of what your all about. Their accusations may not always be correct but who cares what they think. They are the ones who need their cars and their houses to define them. Who would they be without all they're luxury crap. I have no idea where I'm going with this. The simple point is that we all have anxiety disorder that literally runs our entire lifes for us when in all reality, nobody cares about anything but themselves. It's the matter of truly believing that it's really not what you think it is. Why do I let people control my life? Why do I fear people so badly that I refuse to open the front door. Having a fear of people is like having a fear of water.

Most of all, when it comes to truly living with social anxiety disorder and life threatening depression, I just wish I could numb the negativity. I just wish I could wake up in the morning and not care what people think of me. I just want so badly for those emotions not to exist. I don't want to care and I don't want to run from the world and my dreams and goals all because I'm afraid of what other people think of me. I'm so tired of running from people.

The saddest thing about living with depression and anxiety is not having any friends or anyone around you to support you because you really don't feel like you have a place to fit in. You don't belong to anything and your not considered a part of something or a group of people and that's really sad because it just gets lonely and more depressing and your isolated from the world as it is.

I mean, what do you do ya know? It's just a complicated disorder in abstract form. It's unfair that such a common disorder rarely gets recognized. Restless leg syndrome probably gets more studies then social anxiety. When do you ever see a talk show discuss things about social phobias? It's just sad that so many people live with this disorder and there's no true remedy or medication that completely cures it for life.

[neverbeenright]

The saddest thing about living with depression and anxiety is not having any friends or anyone around you to support you because you really don't feel like you have a place to fit in. You don't belong to anything and your not considered a part of something or a group of people and that's really sad because it just gets lonely and more depressing and your isolated from the world as it is.

You make a lot of interesting points. This one here struck me, though, because this used to bother me quite a bit, but I don't feel the same any more. In the past, therapists and others have told me that people need to have friends - as though one could never live a happy or normal life without this so-called "support". "People need people" "isolation is BAD" and all that. For several YEARS I forced myself to go to social events, thinking that I would eventually come to like it. I'm not saying I've never enjoyed myself around other people, but I am never truly comfortable. The anxiety and discomfort during the event and headache that followed just seem to make it not worth it even if there were some good things, too. I eventually moved away from those people and haven't made any friends since. Nor do I have any desire to. I really feel quite relieved that I am no longer putting pressure on myself about it. I still have guilt, shame and embarrassment for not being "as I should be" or "normal", but I don't feel lonely. Of course, I have to wonder if I am just particularly sick or deluded - can't rule that out - but I do truly feel relieved since I have just ALLOWED myself to be friendless. I wonder if that's OK for some of us?

[duddits]

Hi bohemianbarbie and if I haven't already spoken to you, then let me introduce myself. I'm duddits, the former administrator for this forum, and the author of http://www.socialanxietydisorder.net.

I like to think that people with social anxiety and who already have particularly shy personalities do tend to observe a lot of things. I am somewhat like you in the sense that I like to give out situational advice on things but because of my SA I do the opposite. One day I am going to change that.

Life isn't far as it is, but sites like mine (and more to come from me) help educate the otherwise uninformed public about anxiety. My "Living Social Anxiety" article helps put the person who doesn't have SA into the shoes of the person who does have this disorder.

I can't do it all but I am doing my part to help lesson the stigma surrounding anxiety disorders.

[username]

I'm 41 years old, and though I feel I have a very good understanding of what loneliness means, I can honestly say that it's not an emotion I've ever experienced... nor would I ever want to. It's actually one of the things I like most about myself... as I feel I've been born with a very valuable gift that prevents me from becoming vulnerable to loneliness... which is something I personally view as a human flaw or weakness. Loneliness after all, is widely understood to be a controlling factor, which motivates unhappiness, and often forces people into thinking and doing irrational things they normally wouldn't do otherwise. My numbness to such emotion is like having an ace up my sleeve... It's a good thing for me, it helps make my life far less complicated, and it's part of my personality that I'd never be willing to let go.

This however, makes it very difficult for me to decide how I'm going to deal with my social disorders. I strongly fear that standard medication and therapy may all be designed to make a zombie out of me... to make me "one of them", and slap me on that generic conveyor belt of life, where one size fits all, and everyone just grins foolishly and does whatever they're told. I fear that a therapist who attempts to treat my reclusive ways, will feel a need to break my spirit, my unique individuality, and rob me of those precious aces I keep up my sleeve.

I keep humans as far away from me as possible... but regardless of how much privacy I'm ever able to achieve, it's simply never enough. And there's a side of me that always says this is OK, as long as I'm not causing anyone harm.

Oddly enough though, there are often times when I obsess so much over privacy issues as such, that my imagination runs wild... and all I can really think about, is involving myself with sufficient criminal activities to keep myself jailed, and in solitary confinement for the rest of my life. Yes, that is indeed a huge price to pay for privacy... but with suicide forbidden, that often seems like the only available option :).

[Fear]

do I have any desire to. I really feel quite relieved that I am no longer putting pressure on myself about it. I still have guilt, shame and embarrassment for not being "as I should be" or "normal", but I don't feel lonely. Of course, I have to wonder if I am just particularly sick or deluded - can't rule that out - but I do truly feel relieved since I have just ALLOWED myself to be friendless. I wonder if that's OK for some of us?[/quote]
so do I

[Robbed]

do I have any desire to. I really feel quite relieved that I am no longer putting pressure on myself about it. I still have guilt, shame and embarrassment for not being "as I should be" or "normal", but I don't feel lonely. Of course, I have to wonder if I am just particularly sick or deluded - can't rule that out - but I do truly feel relieved since I have just ALLOWED myself to be friendless. I wonder if that's OK for some of us?

It's hard to say about people like you and the other poster. I mean, if being reclusive truly doesn't bother you, then what are you doing here? It's like you are actually trying to reach out. And this, of course, makes the whole bit about not really wanting friends seem a little like sour grapes. I also know how I have felt about such matters in the past. I myself have had the thought about dumping friends. But somehow when I actually hang out with them, that thought evaporates. I also think about how I tend to hang out in the mountains alone frequently. And how I, in the past, told myself that this is to get away from people. Yet, it always feels like such a gift from God to meet someone out there who I actually hit it off with. I think that subconsciously (and perhaps even consciously), this actually became an additional reason to go there (although I didn't want to admit it to myself). The fact is that I sometimes DO feel lonely. And before my anxiety hit me, I would tell myself stuff like you are saying. But somehow, when the anxiety hit me, I could no longer deceive myself so easily.

The bottom line: there have been times when I felt like my 'disdain' for human beings was an asset. But if it is an asset, I can't imagine a more HORRIBLE asset to have. Indeed, this 'asset' (or at least the internal conflict between this 'asset' and who I REALLY am) probably played a HUGE part as far as putting me where I am now as far as anxiety.

[hail to the thief]

So much of your post speaks to me i don't know where to begin. so i won't.

[neverbeenright]

It's hard to say about people like you and the other poster. I mean, if being reclusive truly doesn't bother you, then what are you doing here? It's like you are actually trying to reach out. And this, of course, makes the whole bit about not really wanting friends seem a little like sour grapes.
Actually, I came to the forum looking for information. As a parent of a young child, my social anxiety interferes with my ability to do what is best for him - since doing what is best for him often involves contact with other people. I am also unable to model making and having friends since I haven't the first idea about it myself. He desperately wants friends, so I feel very guilty that I'm not able to help him. I wondered how other parents with SA have dealt with this problem, and what I could realistically (and by that I mean realistically for me) do to help my son. I did not come here looking for friends - sorry.


I also know how I have felt about such matters in the past. I myself have had the thought about dumping friends. But somehow when I actually hang out with them, that thought evaporates. .... Yet, it always feels like such a gift from God to meet someone out there who I actually hit it off with. I think that subconsciously (and perhaps even consciously), this actually became an additional reason to go there (although I didn't want to admit it to myself). The fact is that I sometimes DO feel lonely. And before my anxiety hit me, I would tell myself stuff like you are saying. But somehow, when the anxiety hit me, I could no longer deceive myself so easily.
See now, I don't relate to that at all... Don't know what else to say, except I guess we're not all the same.

[Fear]

do I have any desire to. I really feel quite relieved that I am no longer putting pressure on myself about it. I still have guilt, shame and embarrassment for not being "as I should be" or "normal", but I don't feel lonely. Of course, I have to wonder if I am just particularly sick or deluded - can't rule that out - but I do truly feel relieved since I have just ALLOWED myself to be friendless. I wonder if that's OK for some of us?

It's hard to say about people like you and the other poster. I mean, if being reclusive truly doesn't bother you, then what are you doing here? It's like you are actually trying to reach out. And this, of course, makes the whole bit about not really wanting friends seem a little like sour grapes. I also know how I have felt about such matters in the past. I myself have had the thought about dumping friends. But somehow when I actually hang out with them, that thought evaporates. I also think about how I tend to hang out in the mountains alone frequently. And how I, in the past, told myself that this is to get away from people. Yet, it always feels like such a gift from God to meet someone out there who I actually hit it off with. I think that subconsciously (and perhaps even consciously), this actually became an additional reason to go there (although I didn't want to admit it to myself). The fact is that I sometimes DO feel lonely. And before my anxiety hit me, I would tell myself stuff like you are saying. But somehow, when the anxiety hit me, I could no longer deceive myself so easily.

The bottom line: there have been times when I felt like my 'disdain' for human beings was an asset. But if it is an asset, I can't imagine a more HORRIBLE asset to have. Indeed, this 'asset' (or at least the internal conflict between this 'asset' and who I REALLY am) probably played a HUGE part as far as putting me where I am now as far as anxiety.


It's not that I hate people,I got my own principles,you know?!I'm overaware of everything,really.Sometimes I wish I didn't know coz it makes it simpler.
It is like that there isn't different in staying or not with people,coz with time you know yourself and manage to live the way you hated it.
I mean,you try to accept yourself first.
When I came here two years ago,I was sad a lot and it was the time when I just finished school;a really sociable place!!So I found this site by chance,and I logged in to know about my feelings.WIth time I documented and tried to understand.But in the meantime out of the net I had to face my own difficulties,something we all do differently.WHen I felt down,sad,depressed I thought:"I should find a way to feel less deep all these bad feelings;I have to become numb,probably".I knew it was wrong but feelings always overwhelmed me a little.I was tired to feel weak.So at the end I became numb and I've tried little by little to accept my way to be.I came to think that people have to accept me too,and I came to think that to live I don't need to have friends if that doesn't come easy for me.I give what I can't in a long term in a short time.SO I treat you super good,just like if you where my bestfriend,to make you understand I don't act badly coz I feel superior,or act like an antisocial,because I don't care.I try to respect,I try to compensate.It is like I meet you and for the little time you'll be with me,I'll try not to make you forget.Because I'll give you kindness,friendship,evrything that you need to feel good and I'll make you know that you can completely trust me.But this thing is just assumed like weakness,they think I do it to have friends,but it's not just the contrary but almost,you know?!!!
I want to have my own internal freedom,I feel likemost of the time people want to tie me,and I just want to run away.

[Fear]

MAybe this is another stage of SA.

[sidster]

bohemian babe - please try CLONAZEPAM if not already.
I believe most people on this board have AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER (like me, google it)..

[Jessicalor]

I know what you mean about friends, see I have like...2 best friends, and than 3 more really good friends and I still think...I don't have enough friends? I dont know why, I'm so shy to eat alone, I hate it, I feel like people talk about you and stuff when you do. I've moved...about 5 or so times, so that makes it NO easier to make friends....seriously sucks when all you think about is the times that you didnt have friends, for some reason I cant think about the better times. I dont know why.

[bba]

I'm overaware of everything,really.Sometimes I wish I didn't know coz it makes it simpler.

wow that is exactly what it is! i even have a hard time looking people in the eye because i get too much information and it makes me uncomfortable...thanks for your post.

[Fear]

wow that is exactly what it is! i even have a hard time looking people in the eye because i get too much information and it makes me uncomfortable...thanks for your post.[/quote]

I used to have that problem too,but I worked on it and went on.I just got a hard time when I get shy with males,I don't know why but I catch a lot their attention (good and bad),maybe coz I look a lot younger than I really am,so they want to be protective.

[Spot]

I can relate too. I've had social anxiety all of my life. I've never known the right thing to say and when I've said too much it's usually too late. Sometimes I think about thinking. I've had people I've never met before pat me on the back or shoulder and then I've had the people who 'suck' tell me what they think is wrong with me or tell me who they think I am... more than ever before - sometimes I find this new way of socializing can be what drives even 'normal' people into isolation.
I've been physically ill in social situations, panic and fear to the point I have to leave - getting more difficult to manage considering I'm in sales. Relationships? Dating? I used to be great at them! :) Now, I'm at an age where I really struggle. Been in therapy for years. Heard many diagnoses - kinda like when you take your car to 4 different garages and get 4 different opinions. But I would never discourage anyone from therapy - only encourage. We all have a pretty good idea now of what can result from ignoring things - they tend to manifest - not all the time...but it's good to have an idea where one is, gain some understanding for some level of control.
Now, I've moved back home to take care of my older mother (79). Did it for my dad too when he was alive - heart patient most of my growing up years. It's got to the point now I look at my situation and think holy #)&^#)^#!!! I've become a socially isolated hermit in my parents basement at 41. Loneliness has now become my albatross as I continue to deal with things. I have a good therapist who keeps promising to raise me to an 8/10 from the current 4/10 I'm in.
And btw..for the shy girls out there. It's a beautiful quality that I was raised to believe in and still do! It's just that media is all over that now as they push the current 'in your face' and other spirit crushing trends. So don't lose it or dislike it. It turns a lot of girls into beautiful women with a terrific sense of self and depth. Sadly now, becomming a rarity as the new definition of 'cool' and social acceptance preaches the opposite. OK...now I'm ranting. Good luck and keep your search interesting.

[danstelter]

The saddest thing about living with depression and anxiety is not having any friends or anyone around you to support you because you really don't feel like you have a place to fit in. You don't belong to anything and your not considered a part of something or a group of people and that's really sad because it just gets lonely and more depressing and your isolated from the world as it is.



Join anxiety groups...they exist! Check out your local NAMI, or call area professionals and ask about groups. If you don't want just general anxiety groups, keep trying out different groups in different places...eventually you will find one that you enjoy. Keep in mind, there are others out there just like you who suffer from anxiety and are struggling with making friends....if you become the leader and put yourself out there, others will attract to you. You have to exercise patience, but things will work out.