Improvement :-)

[anxiousmess]

Hello all.

Here is my update.

Im sure those of you who remember me, will remember how low my anxiety had me. How out of control it had me too.

During my time away from this forum. I stuck to my meds.
I believe they helped me see the bigger picture.
My partner helped alot too.
I realised how much control my parents had over me.
I seen them for who they really were. With the help of my partners family.

My childhood was not good. I was neglected and living with an alcoholic for a mother. Much of my childhood was spent taking care of her, and babysitting her.
Looking after babies (my nieces) when it was my mother who was meant to be.

Anyway...before I rant about it ha.
All the years I have been back and forth to the docs trying to find the reason behind my illnesses.
It has been right there the whole time.
My mother is the answer.

So I felt I needed to confront her to move on. Thinking I would get answers.
That never happened.
She helped cement into my mind what my thoughts told me.
She doesnt like me, nor care about me.
She refuses to give me any answers.
Her response is "I dont hate you Claire. But, I am not speaking to you anymore".

I told her I needed closure. But nahhh. She wont help me.

So I cut off from her.
As hard as it was, I received the benfits instantly.

It still is real hard and I have and still an suffering from it. But the positives I have gained from this, helps me to not go back.

I felt like an adult and a mother properly within a few days.
I gained control over my kids and my home MY way.
I have also noticed that I am getting friends.
I have always had people around me. I have never let them get close.

Now I still dont let people close, but I must have allowed my barrier to drop because more and more people are around me now.
It makes me realise how shut off I must have been.

I havent changed in the slightest. There is no denying that my mother has had a major impact in my life.

I have also been brainwashed into believing that I needed to protect her.
I understand now that it should be the other way round. She should be protecting me.

[jessed03]

An improvement is an improvement. Even if you go at a rate of 0.5% a day, in 200 days, you'll feel 100% better than you do now :)

You learn so much with this condition, huh? My dad was very similar to your mum. He was more functional it sounds, but my young life revolved around worrying about him harming himself, and trying to get some degree of affection, approval or attention from him. He sort of came around as he got older. I love him, but I can only do it from afar! lol... Whilst we're in the same room, I can't help but wanna kick his ass for neglecting the basic things. We manage to find some peace though.

It sucks that your mum didn't change her stance much. You can usually tell how much something was causing your anxiety to worsen, by how quickly you feel better when removing it. I guess there comes a time in life when you realize you have to be cruel to be kind to yourself. Some people, it's sad to say, can completely suck you dry.

Keep going down the road you're going down. It seems to be working! You deserve the chance to be yourself, and express who you are. Sounds like you're enjoying the chance to test it out. :)

At least you don't have these problems with the little fluffy creatures you have in your avatar! I swear, my cats kept my sanity when I was at my worst.

[janey]

I can certainly relate! Growing up, both of my parents were alcoholics and they still are to this day.
I have all of the symptoms of an Adult Child of Alcoholics.

I'm 20 and it only occurred to me a year ago that my childhood wasn't so great. I always thought it was normal to help pick up a drunk parent off of the floor or have my dad call me a little bitch when I was 13.
I never had stability and have handfuls of nightmare stories revolving around their alcoholism and what it put me through.
I always had to babysit my mom and dad. I've had to call 911. As a little girl, I would sit up late at night in the dark hallway to make sure my mom made it to bed safely.

When I try to talk to my parents about it, they are in complete denial. You know what they say to me? We bought you everything you ever wanted and didn't beat you.
Yup, they did buy me stuff. I was spoiled with materialistic things, but the one thing I never got and asked for every day was for them to stop drinking (and smoking). The one time my mom did hit me, she left a scar on my face that is still there to this day from keys between her knuckles. I was trying to stop her from driving drunk.

I still have to take care of them, but it's even more serious this time. My dad got cancer from smoking and I was the only one there for him through treatment.
A few months ago my mother suffered from a triple A aneurysm (an aortic aneurysm) from smoking. I was the only one there taking care of her because my dad was too drunk.
I thought she was going to die in surgery and my own father was passed out drunk at home.

My dad calls me a pathetic loser who is faking anxiety and depression when he's drunk. He says the most foul things to me and all I've ever done was love him.

They'll never admit what they did because that means they are at fault.
The truth is, I should cut them out of my life. I know I won't get closure from them because they're too stubborn and they're still doing it.

What traps me even more is that they're so nice sober. I'd even venture to say they have awesome personalities....sober. They do care about and love me....sober. I guess I'm lucky to have that. It's like they're two faced. It's what makes me forgive them every time.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that and it's even harder to know you're own mother cut you out.
I'm glad you're feeling an improvement, truly.

I can see myself slowly turning into them. I want to drink every time they drive me nuts and sometimes I do. It certainly takes the edge off of their ridiculousness. Ironic.