Rant, Rage, Annoyance

[amy09]

Im really annoyed. Like today all these thoughts came rushing to me. I'm an average 22 year old college going girl. Ive always been like the freak out worry warrior type person. Not too bad when I was in high school, I ate, I went to school, hung out with friends the usual 16 years old do. But now that I'm in college applying for graduate school I noticed that I have not been out of my comfort zone. I live with my parents, I had all these opportunities to study abroad for a semester but didn't do, and now that I'm finally graduating this summer my friends and I are planning a trip to go to turkey for 2 weeks. My freaking stupid ass worry? Not money not traveling but my anxiety over eating and health.
I'm gonna back up a little and say that my anxiety is over eating because I have a fear of throwing up. Well not fear but it definitely makes me uncomfortable. I'm so fed up. I already lost so much by not studying abroad and now the perfect graduation gift is coming to me and I'm afraid to go. Honestly wtf is wrong with me? Food is essential I need it but whenever I look at it, it makes me gag. I was never like this before. But I mean I know why I'm acting like this right now because I just found out my ex has been cheating on me for 6-8 months so that's why I'm not really eating. I do see a counselor and I'm on 25 mg of Zoloft for my panic but I like to ease my anxiety naturally like yoga and working out.
Anyways I know this is more of a rant than anything but I'm so fed up with my eating anxiety that it's hindering my graduation plans to go to turkey not to mention as mad as I am right now at mg ex I do miss him :( strange right? Why do I miss a lying cheating ass? I'm already so busy with school and my internship yet I still manage to think about him and contact him. Just ugh!
Any tips, comments questions I'm open for. This forum is absolutely great for people to come together and it breaks my heart to see so many ppl go through worse things with anxiety :( it will get better soon I hope! :)

[kbuzz1]

I don't think missing an ex that hurt you isn't strange. Even if we want a relationship to end it still hurts when it does because we hope from the beginning that this is the 'one'. Then the hopes are crushed. Don't ever forget the pain he's putting you through. When we think of an ex we always just remember the good times and almost make them into a that perfect one that got away. Never the case. Cheating once is one thing but 6-8 months??? Wow. Garbage.

I wish I could help with the eating worries but I'm not sure what to say there. I studied abroad in Germany and I was beyond anxious the whole trip. But looking back it was one of the best things I've ever done. You'll make the right decision. Everything happens for a reason.

[amy09]

Hey! Thanks for that. Yeah I know it's ok to miss an ex I'm just the type who takes a long time to get over someone no matter how bad they hurt me. That's what my counselor is trying to teach me that I need to set up boundaries and be more assertive for what I want not let people walk all over me. I just feel alone and whenever I think of a happy memory all I can think about is how he was talking to another girl.
Anyways how was your Germany trip? What were your anxious thoughts? I bet it was so much fun! I loved Germany when I went with my parents.

[kbuzz1]

I"m the same way...I'm too nice and people tend to take advantage and walk all over me. It's taken a long time for me to sort this out be more assertive.
Germany was amazing! Easily one of the best things I've done for myself. I was in Munich for four weeks and Berlin for a week studying parks and architecture. My anxiety has manifested itself in an interesting way.....I can't pee in public. Actually I can manage to go about ten percent of the time. But I can be in pain I have to go so bad, then I stand in front of a urinal and nothing happens. So I was worried I would get in a 'situation' and have a painful, overloaded bladder. My pee shyness sucks. And what happens when I get anxious?? It makes me have to pee! Oh what a vicious cycle. But anyway, it worked out great and I'm glad I went.

Have you ever looked into nutritional shakes and stuff like that? Maybe you can hold those down. They're small and keep you healthy if you can't eat food.

[amy09]

I'm so sorry to hear that, why is it hard for you to pee? Are you anxious about the fact that there are other people surrounding you? Or is it because you think bathrooms are dirty? I understand because I hate going to public bathrooms and in really OCD about it and it just plain grosses me out but if I have to go I have to go. It sucks because when your anxious you have to pee more.
I hate being so giving and naive about situations you know? Like our mind knows that we're being used or being manipulated yet we still do it. I mean for 2 months I had a feeling that my ex was cheating but because I have no self respect and not want to hurt him i let go of those thoughts and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I mean I really need to work on my self esteem issues I can't be taken advantage every time. It's true though nice people do finish last, sad to say that because even if I try to act all bitchy and catty it fails cuz that trueky isn't me and idk how guys fall for that. Our generation messed everything up. Being too nice means your flirting, that your insecure about yourself, that your passive etc etc. I hate it. I like giving, I like being there for people I like being friendly happy bubbly. That's who I am! I'm glad you understand :)
And as far as nutrition goes, I do drink nutritional drinks and I do eat it's just sometimes I get anxious about throwing up so I eat little. It sucks because I developed a little acid reflux which is causing for issues for me to eat,

[kbuzz1]

It's more of a not being able to pee standing next to someone thing. It's anxiety about not peeing. It's strange. I fear that people will notice me standing at the urinal unable to go. Even if I'm never going to see the people ever again, I can't seem to get the flow going.

Ya, there's a fine line between being assertive and being an asshole. You're absolutely right, if you're nice to a guy he will probably see it as flirting or that they have a chance with you. I don't know if there's any way around that. We're kinda hardwired to think like that.

I've gotten better at being more assertive only because I've been screwed too many times. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way how to say no to people but I guess that's life. I'm like you, I feel like I'm hurting someone if I say no. And I'm really sensitive to hurting people so it was a vicious cycle.