New Here--Empty Nester with depression & anxiety

[Kaybee]

Hi everyone. I have been reading this forum for a while and I love the support and general tone. I love that it has members of all ages & with different struggles.

My own story is one of low level depression and anxiety since my teen years with an occasional panic attack. I had a severe bout of clinical depression 15 years ago at which time I reluctlantly started zoloft. Although I gained weight, it gave me equilibrium and calm and a level temperment. Hallelujah. I continued talk therapy on and off for 10 years and had a pretty good handle on what my childhood had done to my thinking, reasoning, and sense of safety. I was at peace for the first time, excited about the future.

But when my kid left home for college I decided to wean myself off of zoloft. I had read tons on stuff on the net about the damage/danger of meds, how I was not "authentically" me, but a fat bovine lump, how meds were a plot by everyone from psych docs to Big Pharm to athiests to Patriarchal America (yeah I'm stretching the truth for levity) and no matter what I needed to get off zoloft like yesterday!

Now, of course, you NEVER taper off SSRI's without medical supervision. But I'm a hard headad person, so I tapered 100 mgs in 6 weeks. Boy howdy. Brain zaps, depersonalization, hypomania...I got it all. Then I got hit with my first suicidal depression.

Ran to a Dr who put me on lexapro. Stabilized, started loving life again, but scarred by that zoloft taper. "Never doing THAT again!" I promised myself.

Years passed. Felt good. Then I started reading the "You must taper off that poison/crutch/boogeyman NOW!" So I went to a couple different psych docs. (And you KNOW how much money I had to spend for that). And all of them said,"Kay according to your patient history I cannot advise you taper completely off of your med.." So I decided to find another one but lie my head off.

"I'm only on lexapro for hot flashes due to menopause. I want to get off of it now." So she gave me a taper scedule. I slowed it down much more. Took months to do 10% "drops" in doses. Felt good. Until I found myself curled up in the fetal position, depression and anxiety choking out my very being.

I'm back on lexapro, trying to stabilized, the last vestige of health anxiety and depression lifting.

Now I am telling MY story only. Many of you can go on a med, go off, with no issue. But for some of us, the issue can't be ignored, that maybe some of us DO need meds. Maybe for many, many years.

I also think that science will develop new meds that will be more side effect free, and easier to taper if not quit cold turkey. But for right now we have SSRi's. And they have saved lives.

And I sleep well. I exercise. I eat lots of fruits & vegetables, vitamins and fish oil. I don't know why--for my brain--that is not enough. But I am only one person.

Because of being in mid life I have aches and pains pretty often which does NOT help anxiety. I am forcing myself to not google. I am also clinging to Dr H Gilbert Welch's books (a tremendous gift to those with hypochondriasis) and trying not to check my pulse, heart rate, and assorted body parts.

So that is my story. I found a life-saving gift in medication twice and both times I decided to "be strong" and live without it I fell into a deep hole. Most of you will not be so unfortunate. But if your Dr suggests a medication for a time, at least consider it.

There are many, many things that can help you. Never stop seeking. Meds, diet, exercise, therapy, a new job or a move or a new relationship. You are not hopeless. There is an answer for YOU.

[Kaybee]

I put this in the wrong forum. Can you move it mods? Thanks!

[trinidiva]

Very good post. I think that some of us may be led to believe that meds need to be removed at some point, but truthfully, you have to look at it on a case by case basis. I think that for some, medication for a long duration (or for good) is necessary, while for others, it is just for short term use. I VERY reluctantly started taking medication ( Buspirone and then Zoloft) I found the Zoloft was doing more harm than good for me, and slowly tapered off....I'm still taking the Buspar though, eating right and exercising. I also incorporate meditation, which is helpful as well. I have told myself, that if the anxiety DOES come back at extreme levels, I will be open to starting an SSRI again.
Thanks for sharing your experience!

[timeismoney]

Thanx for your story kaybee i was curently on welbutrin celexa prolixin and klonipon now im down to just celexa and klonipon. Ive been on anti depressants for nearly two years now. Ive tried over 10 different kind of anti depressants. I still dont think ive found the right mix yet to get me back to one hundred percent. I still feel gloomy and i still get anxious. Im very lethargic and it feels like i lost that zeal for living. Ive been admitted into a psyc ward up to 10 times. But i havent been in one for a year now. So i can say the meds are working. I lost my job dec 2012 . The biggest issues i had at work was my extreme tiredness. I walked lethargic and always felt sick and sad. Costumers would complain about my demeanor. Prior to my nervous breakdown i was a high caliber worker. Ive been diagnosed with major depression anxiety disorder and pshycosis .i think im going to be on meds for the rest of my life

[alankay]

Kaybee, amen to that. Each must find the best path for themselves. There is no such thing as "one way" to beat, treat and/or manage anxiety. We all have different paths. Anyone who tells you they have "the secret", "a method" or "never take this med or that"..........ignore. Rely on docs and work to educate yourself as you are doing and you'll continue to get better. Alankay

[Kaybee]

Those of us with health anxiety have to remember the set-in-stone rule:DON'T GOOGLE YOUR SYMPTOMS! I found out the hard way that that includes my psychological issues as well. For every good support site like this there are ten sites trying to peddle dubious advice or supplements. In the throes of anxiety/depression those sites an be as dangerous as TNT. Unfortunately there in one thing the internet is free from and that's accountability.