Kaybee
02-26-2013, 07:41 AM
Hi everyone. I have been reading this forum for a while and I love the support and general tone. I love that it has members of all ages & with different struggles.
My own story is one of low level depression and anxiety since my teen years with an occasional panic attack. I had a severe bout of clinical depression 15 years ago at which time I reluctlantly started zoloft. Although I gained weight, it gave me equilibrium and calm and a level temperment. Hallelujah. I continued talk therapy on and off for 10 years and had a pretty good handle on what my childhood had done to my thinking, reasoning, and sense of safety. I was at peace for the first time, excited about the future.
But when my kid left home for college I decided to wean myself off of zoloft. I had read tons on stuff on the net about the damage/danger of meds, how I was not "authentically" me, but a fat bovine lump, how meds were a plot by everyone from psych docs to Big Pharm to athiests to Patriarchal America (yeah I'm stretching the truth for levity) and no matter what I needed to get off zoloft like yesterday!
Now, of course, you NEVER taper off SSRI's without medical supervision. But I'm a hard headad person, so I tapered 100 mgs in 6 weeks. Boy howdy. Brain zaps, depersonalization, hypomania...I got it all. Then I got hit with my first suicidal depression.
Ran to a Dr who put me on lexapro. Stabilized, started loving life again, but scarred by that zoloft taper. "Never doing THAT again!" I promised myself.
Years passed. Felt good. Then I started reading the "You must taper off that poison/crutch/boogeyman NOW!" So I went to a couple different psych docs. (And you KNOW how much money I had to spend for that). And all of them said,"Kay according to your patient history I cannot advise you taper completely off of your med.." So I decided to find another one but lie my head off.
"I'm only on lexapro for hot flashes due to menopause. I want to get off of it now." So she gave me a taper scedule. I slowed it down much more. Took months to do 10% "drops" in doses. Felt good. Until I found myself curled up in the fetal position, depression and anxiety choking out my very being.
I'm back on lexapro, trying to stabilized, the last vestige of health anxiety and depression lifting.
Now I am telling MY story only. Many of you can go on a med, go off, with no issue. But for some of us, the issue can't be ignored, that maybe some of us DO need meds. Maybe for many, many years.
I also think that science will develop new meds that will be more side effect free, and easier to taper if not quit cold turkey. But for right now we have SSRi's. And they have saved lives.
And I sleep well. I exercise. I eat lots of fruits & vegetables, vitamins and fish oil. I don't know why--for my brain--that is not enough. But I am only one person.
Because of being in mid life I have aches and pains pretty often which does NOT help anxiety. I am forcing myself to not google. I am also clinging to Dr H Gilbert Welch's books (a tremendous gift to those with hypochondriasis) and trying not to check my pulse, heart rate, and assorted body parts.
So that is my story. I found a life-saving gift in medication twice and both times I decided to "be strong" and live without it I fell into a deep hole. Most of you will not be so unfortunate. But if your Dr suggests a medication for a time, at least consider it.
There are many, many things that can help you. Never stop seeking. Meds, diet, exercise, therapy, a new job or a move or a new relationship. You are not hopeless. There is an answer for YOU.
My own story is one of low level depression and anxiety since my teen years with an occasional panic attack. I had a severe bout of clinical depression 15 years ago at which time I reluctlantly started zoloft. Although I gained weight, it gave me equilibrium and calm and a level temperment. Hallelujah. I continued talk therapy on and off for 10 years and had a pretty good handle on what my childhood had done to my thinking, reasoning, and sense of safety. I was at peace for the first time, excited about the future.
But when my kid left home for college I decided to wean myself off of zoloft. I had read tons on stuff on the net about the damage/danger of meds, how I was not "authentically" me, but a fat bovine lump, how meds were a plot by everyone from psych docs to Big Pharm to athiests to Patriarchal America (yeah I'm stretching the truth for levity) and no matter what I needed to get off zoloft like yesterday!
Now, of course, you NEVER taper off SSRI's without medical supervision. But I'm a hard headad person, so I tapered 100 mgs in 6 weeks. Boy howdy. Brain zaps, depersonalization, hypomania...I got it all. Then I got hit with my first suicidal depression.
Ran to a Dr who put me on lexapro. Stabilized, started loving life again, but scarred by that zoloft taper. "Never doing THAT again!" I promised myself.
Years passed. Felt good. Then I started reading the "You must taper off that poison/crutch/boogeyman NOW!" So I went to a couple different psych docs. (And you KNOW how much money I had to spend for that). And all of them said,"Kay according to your patient history I cannot advise you taper completely off of your med.." So I decided to find another one but lie my head off.
"I'm only on lexapro for hot flashes due to menopause. I want to get off of it now." So she gave me a taper scedule. I slowed it down much more. Took months to do 10% "drops" in doses. Felt good. Until I found myself curled up in the fetal position, depression and anxiety choking out my very being.
I'm back on lexapro, trying to stabilized, the last vestige of health anxiety and depression lifting.
Now I am telling MY story only. Many of you can go on a med, go off, with no issue. But for some of us, the issue can't be ignored, that maybe some of us DO need meds. Maybe for many, many years.
I also think that science will develop new meds that will be more side effect free, and easier to taper if not quit cold turkey. But for right now we have SSRi's. And they have saved lives.
And I sleep well. I exercise. I eat lots of fruits & vegetables, vitamins and fish oil. I don't know why--for my brain--that is not enough. But I am only one person.
Because of being in mid life I have aches and pains pretty often which does NOT help anxiety. I am forcing myself to not google. I am also clinging to Dr H Gilbert Welch's books (a tremendous gift to those with hypochondriasis) and trying not to check my pulse, heart rate, and assorted body parts.
So that is my story. I found a life-saving gift in medication twice and both times I decided to "be strong" and live without it I fell into a deep hole. Most of you will not be so unfortunate. But if your Dr suggests a medication for a time, at least consider it.
There are many, many things that can help you. Never stop seeking. Meds, diet, exercise, therapy, a new job or a move or a new relationship. You are not hopeless. There is an answer for YOU.