I wish i could run away

[weary]

I swear I wish I could just run away from everyone and everything I do not know how much longer I can deal with it.... Had an awesome day woke up refreshed no anxiety was not panicked at all and the everything went wrong ..... I am so tired of everything being my fault when stuff goes wrong or does not work in others favors and being disrespected in my home that I fought so hard to keep. I am now into a full anxiety attack can't stop shaking .... So pissed didn't even think got in my car took off went and picked up my meds got gas in the car then to Walgreens where I walked around for a half hour now my chest is pumping heart rate off the charts and I can feel my pulse behind my eyes why can't it just STOP

[trinidiva]

Calm down Weary....deep breaths...sit in your car, and find a channel that is playing soothing music...and breath....until you start to calm down a bit.
It can be tough, being a working mom, and taking care of home too. Although it feels like maybe your family doesn't appreciate you, they truly do, and they really need you. Your kids, when they get older, will really understand all that you've done for them.
Just come back and vent if you need to....sometimes you just need to!!!!

[weary]

Trinadiva - my stepsons are 21 and 19 my daughter is 5 I can't even begin to say where it all fell apart maybe it was the oldest f this and f that what what a f'in waste people are that pushed me over the edge today all I want to do is crawl back into bed and cry there is never a hello how are you it is just f this f that all day all night for almost 14 yrs I have support them helped them been the leaning shoulder for them and this is what I get in return. I have been through so much with ailing family members and taken care of them and had to do some pretty hard things like shave my moms head when she started chemo and never did I say I don't have time for them or snap at them or disrespect them but this is what I deal with everyday .... My heart and spirit is broken and it is not helping me in trying to find ways to heal and move forward with the anxiety and panic ..... I just don't know what to do

[trinidiva]

I understand what its like to feel unappreciated sometimes. When I start to get down, I think about a passage I read in a book....it said this:

Decide To Forgive

Someone has done you wrong, and you feel anger, frustration and hurt welling up inside. You find yourself swallowing hard and taking deep breaths, and you're aware of a growing knot in the pit of your stomach. What can you do? Wait for an apology from the person who hurt you? What if an apology never comes? Regardless of what the other person does, you can move on, shake off the stress and resolve the situation in your own mind and heart by making the decision to forgive. You can't make choices for someone else, but you can certainly make them for yourself.
If you burn your finger, you rush to soak it in cold water. Immersing your finger in cold water ensures that no further harm can be done. In the same way, immersing your physical hurt in forgiveness eliminates its power to keep doing damage.

Long passage, but seriously it has a good message.....only you can allow certain things.....are your stepsons living at home? If so, they need to respect you. Period. When everything calms down, have a talk with them. Let them know that they cannot speak that way in front or to you...that you find it disrespectful. Keep the conversation calm...and leave it at that. Do you think that might work?

[omoplata]

Everyday will be a grind but you have to push through it step by step. Take it a day at a time. Pray and meditate as much as possible. Eat well and exercise. Take care of your baby (5yr) because nobody else will.

[weary]

The oldest one lives with us because his mother kicked him out and basically disowned him the other one has kept to the visitation because there are young siblings at his moms so he spends equal time with his younger sister and other brothers .... It is just not except able to me that I constantly take the brunt of things ..... Older relatives on their mothers side are sick and one is dying and I feel bad for them for that but it never gives you the right to treat someone else so horribly ....... I have repeatedly had these conversations with them and things change for a few days then right back to the same way and everytime I have a good day with no anxiety no panic no chest pains he comes in here all pissed off and gets me all worked up then it takes me a whole mother day to get back to where I was

[omoplata]

If only these people could see and understand the love that you are giving to them. They dont understand that they are mistaking your kindness as a weakness. Their anger is not directed at you but affects you. Understanding this comes with maturity......I know that this doesnt help you feel better now though. Is there an activity that could bring all of you closer together. Movies, board or video game or just talking over lunch? What does their father say? How does he feel?

[trinidiva]

You have to control the situation.If the oldest comes in ranting and raving at you, tell him calmly, I can't have this conversation when you are like this. When you calm down, we cab talk. Take your 5 yr old and leave the room. Don't let your buttons get pushed
What does your husband do when these situations pop up?

[weary]

My husband has recently gotten better with dealing with the issue but when he is not home hard for him to correct it so I have to deal with it I and do try to stay calm but today I just had no wants to deal with it ....... My husband got the brunt of it over the phone and then when he came home started with me on why half of the lunch meat he bought yesterday is almost gone ..... My response was sorry I had a sandwich and so did your daughter and yor sons who do not contribute at all .... So I will just not eat .... Oh wait that is right I am 37 yrs old gonna be 38 next month and I weigh 89 lbs my 5 yr old weighs 43 lbs .... Half of my weight and he has the balls to bitch about food in this house when I need to be the one to eat

[omoplata]

Wow. You really are in a difficult situation. You cant do this on your own. You need the total love and support of your husband. The love and support that a husband gives his wife in turn gives her the power and energy to act upon motherly things within the house and care for the family like only a mom can. A husbands love and support sometimes also means disciplining unruly children when disrespecting their mom or step mom. Children will eventually leave. In the end there will only be the two of you. Never forget that the primary relationship is between you and your husband. The kids are a secondary relationship. There is a pecking order within the family. When this order is not kept chaos arises.

[weary]

It is so hard I love my husband so much we have been together for 14 yrs this sept and married for 7 yes I wait 7 years for him and everyone revolved around his sons I accepted to wait I have been there more then their own mother I have helped them with homework supported me when they were struggling and even when dealing with mine own family issues mom with breast cancer grandma wi a heart issue and dad with hip and knee replacements ... For a year and half I would stay at my parents house with my daughter and took care of all of them but called these boys everyday and always made time for them to hear about their day.... And this is what I get in return ... I never snapped because of what emotional issues I am going through at them but things are very bad at their moms who I can't stand because of she has done to them .... But I never disrespect her in front of them ... My heart is broken and I just wish it would stop like I want to go back to my parents because there I feel safe and can sleep and they take care of my daughter so I can get a moment to myself here I don't get that here. My husband is trying the best he can he is finally taking an active roll in what I am doing to try and regain control of my life but is still not hip on some things that I am trying....... I am greatfull for everyone in this forum because everyone understands where I am at it has been the most helpful and the most support I have gotten in 9 yrs of dealing with the anxiety ....

[bajablue]

Weary, you are strong. Be clear on your needs (boundires) and do not compromise or look back. As you get stronger your parenting will also. A healthy Mother tends to raise a healthy child. You are awash in support here. Keep using it.

I too am surrounded by stress: two adult sons back home - they take and do not give. I just let my oldest (25) know he has two options; participate in the home - doing things needing done or venture out on your own. Free ride is over. Younger son is, to a lesser degree following his path.

It is high time my wife and I concentrated on ourselves a bit more. I will/need to write more on this later as it was the bulk of my therapy session with my Psychologist today.

Hang in there. Warm hugs going out to you.

[timeismoney]

Wow weary you trully have to keep your head up. Prayers can help. If you are confused on what to pray about and for, just read the book of Psalms in the bible. There are a 150 chapters you can read from and they are all prayers that can help you when you are down and going through a panic attack. Psalm 91 is a good chapter . I call psalm 91 the 911 help line. Start by reading chapter 91 verse 1 which is basiclly 911 and read verse 1 up until the last verse and you will be getting support not only from us but the higher powers the man above god himself . The book of psalms have lots of scriptures that talk about anxiety and there is comfort in psalms. Right after i write this post im going to go read psalm 91 . Try it

[weary]

Thanks guys this is what I have needed support not getting attacked but support I have to grown to love each of you as part of a new kinda of family I feel safe knowing that we are all together and supporting each other.

[bajablue]

Wow weary you trully have to keep your head up. Prayers can help. If you are confused on what to pray about and for, just read the book of Psalms in the bible. There are a 150 chapters you can read from and they are all prayers that can help you when you are down and going through a panic attack. Psalm 91 is a good chapter . I call psalm 91 the 911 help line. Start by reading chapter 91 verse 1 which is basiclly 911 and read verse 1 up until the last verse and you will be getting support not only from us but the higher powers the man above god himself . The book of psalms have lots of scriptures that talk about anxiety and there is comfort in psalms. Right after i write this post im going to go read psalm 91 . Try it

Psalm 34:19
"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him from them all"

[omoplata]

Amen!.......

[timeismoney]

Thanx bajablue i just read psalm 34, and to weary i also read psalm 91. Weary u should aslo read psalm 34


"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. "(Psalms 34:18 NKJV)

meaning the lord is near those who has a broken heart and saves those with a broken spirit

[trinidiva]

Thanx bajablue i just read psalm 34, and to weary i also read psalm 91. Weary u should aslo read psalm 34

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. "(Psalms 34:18 NKJV)

meaning the lord is near those who has a broken heart and saves those with a broken spirit

It's been a long time reading the Psalms, I'm going to check out the ones you mentioned.
Weary, I'm glad that you feel some sense of support from the forum, and I hope your husband continues to try to give you more support. You need that support so you can be complete and fully able to be the best mom for your little one. I meant to ask you before, do you have a smart phone? If so, there is an awesome app that I found...its free, and allows you to do a timed meditation. My daughter and I do it.....so its something you can do with yours too. It is called isatify (I will check the name again in just one sec). In fact my daughter just came in the room asking if we were going to meditate. Lol....
Try it out!!!!!

[trinidiva]

It's called satify.

[timeismoney]

at trinidiva ive yet to try meditation for my depression/anxiety . I will download that app and try meditating.

[bajablue]

There really are some wonderful apps for us. I have a few: Calm Radio, Holistic Radio and I have a Psalms app + I have this forums app. My meditation is more quiet contemplation (sp?) using the background soothing music. I am able to think more clearly and examine more deeply my fears. My moment of truth, however, remains just out of my minds reach - the connection between my lifes overwhelming pains and the resulting anxiety. My head is disconnected from my heart (partly an SSRI result). I cannot reach the hurt so I can put them to rest in a healthy way. Thus I am back in CBT for the first time in 15 years. The pain is there, it is in me, I can feel it every day. Some days it is manageable while on others, the anxiety makes its unwelcome appearance. I am convinced that until I can reattach my head to my heart and soul; my mind to my emotions, I will not be "fixed". In the meantime I do many things to keep ugly symptoms in check.