Sick to my Stomache

[unsteady81]

This morning im having some serious issues trying to gain the upper hand on my anxiety, it just seems to keep getting worse and worse, im going to a sliding scale mental health office monday in hopes of disscussing my anxiety with an actual doctor, only to have the idea of discussing it send me into another attack. I feel like im failing, I feel alone, I feel weak and shamefull. Its affecting my relationship with my kids, my husband, I worry about what they think about me always wondering if they will accept and understand the issues im struggling with or will they judge and blow me off as being over dramatic. I feel sick all the time now, im always worried that there is something medically wrong with me on top of the anxiety or mental issues. I dont have any close friends, I feel alone. I havent been able to talk to my husband because I keep worring that he wont understand, that he will find me flawed and want to leave so I havent even tried. Im literally sick to my stomache almost constantly these days, I feel so down I feel like its a dark stain inside me that just keeps spreading and corrupting more me everyday. I feel so lost today, not all days are this bad and its probably worse today because I had to take my son to the hospital yesterday to have a rod removed from his femure from an accident back in Sept. I had been proud that I had managed to hold off the attacks while I was there but it seems to have come at a cost because now im swamped with it completely overwhelmed. I keep thinking what is wrong with me, why do I feel this way, where did this come from how did I let it get so out of control and how come I cant grow a pair and just deal with it. Im constantly on the verge of tears anymore, I don't understand the person I am today compared to the one I was 5 years ago I dont know what changed what set it off but its been slowly consuming me. I hope I find some help Monday some answers some peace.