evaug004
02-15-2013, 02:23 PM
I would of never thought I would find myself here writing about myself and the torment that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Not sure I have found acceptance yet and still find myself struggling to live with the answers that doctors give me. I guess a little background first. Currently I am 30 but I guess this really starts back in college. I can honestly say that I was always a kid that took things personally, even worried about them probably more than most. I can remember as a child feeling like I couldnt calm down my thoughts at night while trying to go to bed. Thoughts would get in my mind and I would analyze them to the tenth degree. As a kid you dont know what it is it just scares you, I didnt put a term to it as Anxiety. You just delt with it and went on being a kid. Moments of being put in situations where you felt uncomfortable and got sensastions of sweating and so forth I can honestly say was anxiety. Fast forward into high school a bout of depression from my first serious relationship and feeling alone. Hence the depression never wanting to leave my room and sleeping all the time. You think even now I would finally be able to put a finger on exactly both of these disorders and what they were and would be able to except them and work on them. I got through high school had friends and enjoyed it. I was a daydreamer and never really excelled in certain areas but def got decent grades. I was a procrastinator and one who waited till the last minute because i either didnt care to do the work or just said i have time for it. I slept in class when bored and stayed up late as a teen. College started up I boozed way to much screwed up and realized it so left college to move home got my shit together and went back to community college. Worked a job and went to school and was doing good minus partying and smoking weed here and there. Typical college stuff. I used to obsesses about something being wrong with me and my health and would scare the living shit out of myself where i would feel oblivous to the world until i distracted myself or got a medical response saying i was fine. Then the relief went away and I went about my business. Still had trouble getting to sleep at night and as long as I can remember i have always woke up in the middle of the night every night since as far back as I can go. Always to go to the bathroom which is funny, cause ive had a bladder test which was fine and a sleep study while on 5mg of Lexapro that said i was getting ample amount of sleep, but never waking up refreshed. It wasnt until an episode in college that caused my downfall. I had moved out with two friends got a new place and was celebrating literally for 3 days, alcohol induce beyond question. Waking up on the last morning i was walking into walls, shaking , having tremors and feeling paranoid. I had no idea what it was and couldnt breathe or relax, for weeks I was zoned out and unable to sleep and always thinking about my breathing at night. I couldnt eat and just felt unreal. I knew something was wrong and went the dr route to see what was going on. I had never been this messed up. I had two jobs, college, friends and always something going on. I felt lost and alone not able to get out of my head. Everything bothered me and it wouldnt stop. 30 minutes with a shrink and they say its depression/anxiety and hers a bottle of lexapro 10mg. Now i just want relief just like anyone else so you take the pills. This was after months of not trying to get help and suffering horrible sleep issues for 5 months before getting this help, while drinking to calm myself down and somewhat function. I couldnt concentrate or even enjoy life like i used to. I started to take the medication and it got entirely worse. Numbness, shaking, sweating, sick to my stomach , throwing up and worse sleep. I was given trazadone as well which didnt seem to help, on top of having anxiety of sleeping. I was mixing alcohol with everyting trying to jsut feel some sense of hope. I did this for awhile while trying maintain a relationship which ultimately failed due to my mess. I finally just couldnt deal with the weeks of torture and quite cold turkey, even worse. After that i said screw it ill deal with it and moved on with life and college. I drank heavily became more involved with a fraternity and somehow got through the rest of college with a BSBA. Sleep issues continued on but were somewhat better. Staying busy helped and kept my mind from wondering. Never felt like my old self. It wasnt till i moved to MD and got a great job that i finally started to fall asleep without trying and was enjoyed life. Felt like my oldself. Still bouts of incident related anxiety but nothing that cause physical symptoms but rather internal overanalyzing. Present day 2008 I go to vegas with a buddy and i repeat the process over by a binge drinking fest for three days. Flying home i had the same major episode that took me into the same spiral which i have been fighting for the past four years. I tried prozac and paxil, both of which caused me to take myself to the hospital, i couldnt sleep was popping sleeping pills like it was my job and felt no relieve in sight. Even tried addreall short and extended which def keep my mind from wondering but felt amped up and strung out and couldnt sleep on it. Back to the lexapro we go. Started out small this time and was finally able to stay on 5mg anytime i went up the SE's were bad and as well as getting off. Wasnt until weaning off of 5mg after a period of two months did i not get the withdrawl symptoms. I have never foudn that miracle drug nor think there is one out there. In between that i tried pristiq, remeron, and tons of other drugs that causd SE's to the point id quite and move to a different doctor. I finally see the pattern but only after all this time. I was pretty good for two months before i felt i couldnt get through the day. I finally got psychological testing done right in the middle of trying to dose up on zoloft which i was moving from 6mg to 12mg to 25mg. I couldnt sleep, was panicking during the day and freaking out. Felt like couldnt breathe. I stayed on 25mg for almost four weeks and started to ween off. Most people would say rough it out. Believe me i am one strong mother fer as I have been to hell and back on these horrible pills. So the testing comes back and says no ADD but a major depressive and GAD episode. I guestion this up and down as first off i was on zoloft that was causing so much pain emotional, physically that im not exactly sure if i agree due to the SE's from zoloft. I dont udnerstand how one could be so sensitive to every dam drug. Now i am on 3 weeks on 5mg and im gettins clammy palms, headaches, feeling strung out and the 1st week horrible sleep. The sleeping problems have somewhat subsided but the daily feeling hasnt gone away yet. I am just searching for answers that maybe ill never get. I just want to feel good, live a happy life and move on. I seemed to have done that but did this to myself. I am doing therapy as well but hasnt got anywhere cause the whole time ive been up and down on medications with no luck. I was able to stay on 5mg for over a year which got me through but never felt my oldself. Im jsut cluesless how if this is anxiety that one couldnt get the benefit from SSRI's through so many attempts. I feel angy and upset that i have struggled for so long with no answer that i will accept. I hyperfocus on it for some reason and cant seem to just move on and deal with it. Thats what makes me question if i have ADD and that some of it is that. My brother takes Concerta for ADD and dose well. The thing is i dont forget things nor need to write them down. In college i was so busy i had to write things down or i would forget and i assume that is just nature no ADD. I have a memory that seems to remember things from years ago that people would be like how the hell do you remember that. I feel like the zoning out and concentration are due to something but what???? Drug side effects or the anxiety itself????? Any insight or help.... anyone in the same boat or want to lend a voice. This coming from someone who feels like crying but wont, holds things in and carries on everyday waiting for some sign or relief from this whatever it is. I used to get excited about things and look forwared to trips and all i do now is wallow away in these issues which have become my life. HELP.....