arctic
02-10-2013, 05:30 AM
I think I have finally come to understand the purpose of the diaries girls used to keep. I have recently found that writing out the things that are terrifying me, making me cry, and causing me to pull away from the world like never before somehow makes the pain less. I have no logical reasons for the tightness in my chest. I live a better life then many americans in the last few years. I have problems, I have caused most of them through my own fear and anger, but I have no reason to be waking up scared all the time.
My 40th birthday is coming up. That can make you look back at life and wonder how you could have done it all so wrong. I had love and lost it. I had jobs and screwed them up. I had friends and pushed them away. I am so afraid that life will just keep getting worse that I am not sure I even want to keep going. I am crying.
A few months back I lost my temper at the best job I ever had and got fired. When I finally found another job I tried to sabotage myself telling them I didn't think I was good enough to do it. They ignored me and told me they believed I could. The tightness in my chest started to go away for a while.
I am going on a trip for my 40th birthday. I planned it back when I had the good job. It's an expensive trip I can barely afford to countries where I might see and could photograph the northern lights. Something I have wanted to see for at least a decade. I have a week to pack and I find I am now terrified of the vacation. Packing for a vacation shouldn't cause you to wake up with your chest feeling this way.
I realize what I am now feeling towards the vacation that I was looking so forward to is the same thing I feel towards the friends I once looked forward to seeing. Fear. I have become so afraid to do anything new, afraid to mess up, afraid to be embarassed, afraid that the world and the people in it don't even care if I remain.
I don't know if typing any of this is truely helping. I don't know if the fear will ever go away. I don't know at what point a fear of living becomes stronger then a fear of death. I am not there yet, but I am not sure that I will never be. When you look at 40 years of fear and regret and see nothing of value, how do you look forward to 40 more?
My 40th birthday is coming up. That can make you look back at life and wonder how you could have done it all so wrong. I had love and lost it. I had jobs and screwed them up. I had friends and pushed them away. I am so afraid that life will just keep getting worse that I am not sure I even want to keep going. I am crying.
A few months back I lost my temper at the best job I ever had and got fired. When I finally found another job I tried to sabotage myself telling them I didn't think I was good enough to do it. They ignored me and told me they believed I could. The tightness in my chest started to go away for a while.
I am going on a trip for my 40th birthday. I planned it back when I had the good job. It's an expensive trip I can barely afford to countries where I might see and could photograph the northern lights. Something I have wanted to see for at least a decade. I have a week to pack and I find I am now terrified of the vacation. Packing for a vacation shouldn't cause you to wake up with your chest feeling this way.
I realize what I am now feeling towards the vacation that I was looking so forward to is the same thing I feel towards the friends I once looked forward to seeing. Fear. I have become so afraid to do anything new, afraid to mess up, afraid to be embarassed, afraid that the world and the people in it don't even care if I remain.
I don't know if typing any of this is truely helping. I don't know if the fear will ever go away. I don't know at what point a fear of living becomes stronger then a fear of death. I am not there yet, but I am not sure that I will never be. When you look at 40 years of fear and regret and see nothing of value, how do you look forward to 40 more?