BrokenHalo7
02-04-2013, 05:43 AM
Diary Post #4 Late night findings and early morning fears.... Feb 04 2013
Well I guess I can start off by saying that last night was a triumph! I faced one of my fears. I had it in my mind that this guy would give me a panic attack because I liked him so much. He was the last thing I felt before my depression kicked in. I was so afraid that he would bring that sadness back. I didn't feel something from it though. My chest got tight and I wasn't able to concentrate. But I quickly got myself together by reading an article that tells you to face your fears. I even did some heavy breathing that I got from an app that I downloaded on my phone. It works wonders for me. I breathe in slowly and breathe out slowly. I make sure I'm laying on my back and that My belly in moving up and down. I then then hold the breath for about 3 seconds and breathe out slowly. It calms me down. I also tell myself to calm down, its not that big of a deal. I also thought my mom was leaving last night and that had me feeling some kind of way. She decided to stay and talk to me most of the night. That brought me right down. Now, lets fast forward to right now, I feel a little something trying to creep over me. Its 7am and I'm up by myself and my mother is gone to work. Sometimes when she goes to work I have this feeling all day! I hate it and I want nothing to do with it. Its a tiny feeling. It nags the hell out of me! But I feel like writing about it makes it ease away. That's how I have to look at it. I need to stay in control of my thoughts! Or they will run wild. I can't have that. its a funny thing about your mind. It will create a false fear! There is real shit out there to be afraid of, but yet and still I'm afraid of my fear. What kind of shit is that? Sorry for the bad words, but it pisses me off. I hope you all find peace today. I wish I could just say a word and wish this away. So that you could feel normal and this didn't exist. I need to go back to sleep and wake up refreshed. I love you all! Have a blessed day....
Side post - My heart is beating fast.
I just woke up and my heart is running away from me. I could barely sleep and I tossed and turned. So now i know for a fact that im having bad anxiety because of him. I feel uneasy and uptight. I feel scared and nervous. But for what I dont know. I really hate this and I also hate that he has contacted me. I have to deal with this or I will be running from him forever. My counselor believes he messes with my securities. He makes me feel very uneasy. I really need to face this. I just dont know how! This may tigger a deep depression if i dont stop! It caused it to happen the first time, I think... I cant let this happen again. God help me.
Side Post - Chilling with a tiny bit of (that feeling) - 11:28pm
Okay, so tonight has been cool so far. I mean I don;t feel bad, but I dont feel all the way good. My nights are usually cool though. I've been talking to a friend via Tango and laughing about old times. It was really nice. I'm feeling a bit sleepy. So I'm going to make this short and sweet. Love you guys and I pray to Jesus Christ that you all find peace. Gnight...
Diary Post #5 Laughter and Friends...
Today was crazy. I had a really good day. Last night? Not so much. I tossed and turned all morning. It wasn't easy. This morning I looked for a Doc in this state because I'm not from here. I thought I was gng to be able to go to my docs office but I cant. The people I spoke to were rude. I was so annoyed with them. I also found this man online that made me feel better. He's an old man. A guru if you will. He was talking about how we cause depression to ourselves. I agree with him whole heartily. I know that I need to take it easy and allow my mind to pick up the pieces. I think the reason my depression has lifted is because I'm giving it time. I have fought everyday to be happy and I'm giving it time. I love you all and have a wonderful night...
Diary Post #6 Sometimes you can only wonder... Feb 09/2013
I have been feeling so good and normal that I neglected to write. Which I believe is very important. I gotta keep up with how well im doing or not doing. I guess I can use this time to fill you in. Whoever you are. :) Well I went to this depression chat room online while I was feeling kinda bored and a little lonely. I met this cool guy from half way around the world. He was very nice to me and we help each other stay positive. Its nice having someone to talk to that understands what you go through. I have come a long way since I first wrote in this diary. Ha, like it was so long ago. But really. I have. Today I feel really tired and I dont like it. It makes me feel really weird. I think I over slept and I didnt leave the house and get out in the sunlight. Ive always felt like this when I do get enough sunlight. Its silly really. I still havent gone to the doctors office, because I'm going to wait and go to a doc in my hometown next weekend. I also have an appt when my therapist next week!! I cant wait to see her and fill her in on my progression. I love writing in this diary. I really do. I also went to the store last night and purchased a ton of green vegetables. I ate my first all green meal today. I really wanted some candy. But I didnt eat any. I cant wait until I'm knee deep in healthy eating. I know by then I should feel way better. The only other thing I deal with is being afraid all the time. Not all the time, but a lot. Afraid of stupid things. I can only hope and pray that I have a better mind set by the time this is all over...
:) I may write a little bit later. Right now i have a bit of mixed feelings. I just sit and think sometimes. Why me.. :(
Well I guess I can start off by saying that last night was a triumph! I faced one of my fears. I had it in my mind that this guy would give me a panic attack because I liked him so much. He was the last thing I felt before my depression kicked in. I was so afraid that he would bring that sadness back. I didn't feel something from it though. My chest got tight and I wasn't able to concentrate. But I quickly got myself together by reading an article that tells you to face your fears. I even did some heavy breathing that I got from an app that I downloaded on my phone. It works wonders for me. I breathe in slowly and breathe out slowly. I make sure I'm laying on my back and that My belly in moving up and down. I then then hold the breath for about 3 seconds and breathe out slowly. It calms me down. I also tell myself to calm down, its not that big of a deal. I also thought my mom was leaving last night and that had me feeling some kind of way. She decided to stay and talk to me most of the night. That brought me right down. Now, lets fast forward to right now, I feel a little something trying to creep over me. Its 7am and I'm up by myself and my mother is gone to work. Sometimes when she goes to work I have this feeling all day! I hate it and I want nothing to do with it. Its a tiny feeling. It nags the hell out of me! But I feel like writing about it makes it ease away. That's how I have to look at it. I need to stay in control of my thoughts! Or they will run wild. I can't have that. its a funny thing about your mind. It will create a false fear! There is real shit out there to be afraid of, but yet and still I'm afraid of my fear. What kind of shit is that? Sorry for the bad words, but it pisses me off. I hope you all find peace today. I wish I could just say a word and wish this away. So that you could feel normal and this didn't exist. I need to go back to sleep and wake up refreshed. I love you all! Have a blessed day....
Side post - My heart is beating fast.
I just woke up and my heart is running away from me. I could barely sleep and I tossed and turned. So now i know for a fact that im having bad anxiety because of him. I feel uneasy and uptight. I feel scared and nervous. But for what I dont know. I really hate this and I also hate that he has contacted me. I have to deal with this or I will be running from him forever. My counselor believes he messes with my securities. He makes me feel very uneasy. I really need to face this. I just dont know how! This may tigger a deep depression if i dont stop! It caused it to happen the first time, I think... I cant let this happen again. God help me.
Side Post - Chilling with a tiny bit of (that feeling) - 11:28pm
Okay, so tonight has been cool so far. I mean I don;t feel bad, but I dont feel all the way good. My nights are usually cool though. I've been talking to a friend via Tango and laughing about old times. It was really nice. I'm feeling a bit sleepy. So I'm going to make this short and sweet. Love you guys and I pray to Jesus Christ that you all find peace. Gnight...
Diary Post #5 Laughter and Friends...
Today was crazy. I had a really good day. Last night? Not so much. I tossed and turned all morning. It wasn't easy. This morning I looked for a Doc in this state because I'm not from here. I thought I was gng to be able to go to my docs office but I cant. The people I spoke to were rude. I was so annoyed with them. I also found this man online that made me feel better. He's an old man. A guru if you will. He was talking about how we cause depression to ourselves. I agree with him whole heartily. I know that I need to take it easy and allow my mind to pick up the pieces. I think the reason my depression has lifted is because I'm giving it time. I have fought everyday to be happy and I'm giving it time. I love you all and have a wonderful night...
Diary Post #6 Sometimes you can only wonder... Feb 09/2013
I have been feeling so good and normal that I neglected to write. Which I believe is very important. I gotta keep up with how well im doing or not doing. I guess I can use this time to fill you in. Whoever you are. :) Well I went to this depression chat room online while I was feeling kinda bored and a little lonely. I met this cool guy from half way around the world. He was very nice to me and we help each other stay positive. Its nice having someone to talk to that understands what you go through. I have come a long way since I first wrote in this diary. Ha, like it was so long ago. But really. I have. Today I feel really tired and I dont like it. It makes me feel really weird. I think I over slept and I didnt leave the house and get out in the sunlight. Ive always felt like this when I do get enough sunlight. Its silly really. I still havent gone to the doctors office, because I'm going to wait and go to a doc in my hometown next weekend. I also have an appt when my therapist next week!! I cant wait to see her and fill her in on my progression. I love writing in this diary. I really do. I also went to the store last night and purchased a ton of green vegetables. I ate my first all green meal today. I really wanted some candy. But I didnt eat any. I cant wait until I'm knee deep in healthy eating. I know by then I should feel way better. The only other thing I deal with is being afraid all the time. Not all the time, but a lot. Afraid of stupid things. I can only hope and pray that I have a better mind set by the time this is all over...
:) I may write a little bit later. Right now i have a bit of mixed feelings. I just sit and think sometimes. Why me.. :(