demi
02-04-2013, 05:25 AM
(I previously posted this in the wrong thread and I'm not sure how to delete it so I'm reposting it here!)
Hey,
So this is very new to me, and the fact I'm even here posting this is proving to myself that I have a problem. I'm a bit nervous coming here because I myself haven't been diagnosed with anything by a doctor. I'm scared to talk to my family and even more scared to talk to any kind of doctor. I'm scared they'll think that there's nothing wrong with me. I always try and tell myself that there must be because I wouldn't be contemplating it multiple times every single day.
I'm just here for a little bit of help and advice, and perhaps anyone could let me know if I should seek help.
From what I can tell, I've had anxiety all my life. As a child I was very shy and it just got worse growing up. In secondary school (high school) I was picked on for being quiet which made me feel worse. I'm currently in college, I barely have friends and since September I've been skipping a lot of classes in fear that my teacher may ask me questions, make me work in pairs, group work, oral presentations etc. Whenever I'm in class my heart races, even if there's nothing happening. I feel incredibly sick, I shake all over and I feel trapped as soon as the door shuts. I usually leave class wanting to cry. I feel like they're panic attacks. Sometimes when I'm walking through crowds I get dizzy, my ears ring and I feel nauseous. It's not normal and it's making my life miserable. I feel they must be panic attacks because it's so much more frequent at the minute. Last week I skipped all but one class just because I didn't want to speak out. I'm trying really hard to attend but the fear inside is stopping me. I avoid the simplest tasks like taking a bus, calling people, asking for help, making new friends, going to a shop, paying for things... it seems so stupid.
As for depression, I haven't been diagnosed but I'm not an idiot. I've done hours upon hours of research looking to what I may have and 99% of the time I have all the symptoms. I have extreme trouble getting up in the morning; if I could have my way, I'd stay in bed my whole life. Its not because I'm lazy, its because I feel worthless, hopeless, and that my life is amounting to nothing. I'm not important. Some days I sleep all night and day, other days I'm wide awake until 5am. I cry every single night, and it's horrible. Some days I eat loads, then my self esteem drops, some days I eat nothing at all. Over the years I've become short tempered, irritable, argumentative and completely withdrawn. I have no energy anymore, it physically hurts to smile, I constantly have headaches and I just feel so low all the time. About two years ago I had days when I was okay and things were normal but it's progressively gotten worse. I'm at my last straw because I can't get happy over anything, even when something good is going on. Its the worst feeling in the world. I just feel drained all the time. Its like I have a black dark mass in my chest that voids me of anything but sadness.
I've self harmed before and it helped for a while but I tried hard to stop because I was too afraid of people seeing. I feel like now I have no other way to cope. I'm helpless. I don't know when it started but I do know my self esteem dropped dramatically at 6 years old when my parents split. I used to do dancing at around 4 years old to 8 years old and I used to think I was fat and ugly. No 4 year old should have those thoughts. Maybe I was born with this, I don't know. I do know that I'm loosing hope and I'm not sure what else to do.
Sorry this is so long, I just need a place to let it out. If you did read this, I appreciate it and thankyou. Any kind of feedback / advice / anything I would be grateful for :)
- Demi
Hey,
So this is very new to me, and the fact I'm even here posting this is proving to myself that I have a problem. I'm a bit nervous coming here because I myself haven't been diagnosed with anything by a doctor. I'm scared to talk to my family and even more scared to talk to any kind of doctor. I'm scared they'll think that there's nothing wrong with me. I always try and tell myself that there must be because I wouldn't be contemplating it multiple times every single day.
I'm just here for a little bit of help and advice, and perhaps anyone could let me know if I should seek help.
From what I can tell, I've had anxiety all my life. As a child I was very shy and it just got worse growing up. In secondary school (high school) I was picked on for being quiet which made me feel worse. I'm currently in college, I barely have friends and since September I've been skipping a lot of classes in fear that my teacher may ask me questions, make me work in pairs, group work, oral presentations etc. Whenever I'm in class my heart races, even if there's nothing happening. I feel incredibly sick, I shake all over and I feel trapped as soon as the door shuts. I usually leave class wanting to cry. I feel like they're panic attacks. Sometimes when I'm walking through crowds I get dizzy, my ears ring and I feel nauseous. It's not normal and it's making my life miserable. I feel they must be panic attacks because it's so much more frequent at the minute. Last week I skipped all but one class just because I didn't want to speak out. I'm trying really hard to attend but the fear inside is stopping me. I avoid the simplest tasks like taking a bus, calling people, asking for help, making new friends, going to a shop, paying for things... it seems so stupid.
As for depression, I haven't been diagnosed but I'm not an idiot. I've done hours upon hours of research looking to what I may have and 99% of the time I have all the symptoms. I have extreme trouble getting up in the morning; if I could have my way, I'd stay in bed my whole life. Its not because I'm lazy, its because I feel worthless, hopeless, and that my life is amounting to nothing. I'm not important. Some days I sleep all night and day, other days I'm wide awake until 5am. I cry every single night, and it's horrible. Some days I eat loads, then my self esteem drops, some days I eat nothing at all. Over the years I've become short tempered, irritable, argumentative and completely withdrawn. I have no energy anymore, it physically hurts to smile, I constantly have headaches and I just feel so low all the time. About two years ago I had days when I was okay and things were normal but it's progressively gotten worse. I'm at my last straw because I can't get happy over anything, even when something good is going on. Its the worst feeling in the world. I just feel drained all the time. Its like I have a black dark mass in my chest that voids me of anything but sadness.
I've self harmed before and it helped for a while but I tried hard to stop because I was too afraid of people seeing. I feel like now I have no other way to cope. I'm helpless. I don't know when it started but I do know my self esteem dropped dramatically at 6 years old when my parents split. I used to do dancing at around 4 years old to 8 years old and I used to think I was fat and ugly. No 4 year old should have those thoughts. Maybe I was born with this, I don't know. I do know that I'm loosing hope and I'm not sure what else to do.
Sorry this is so long, I just need a place to let it out. If you did read this, I appreciate it and thankyou. Any kind of feedback / advice / anything I would be grateful for :)
- Demi