BrokenHalo7
02-01-2013, 02:21 PM
I'm Going To Use This Site As A Diary. Come Read! I hope this Helps YOU!
First I wanna get to the basics... I'm suffering from Depression. Its up and down everyday. The day this started was one of the strongest days of my depression. This started on December 31 2012. It has gotten weaker everyday since then, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts and bothers me. For 3 days I didn't have a desire to eat or drink. Dec 31 - Jan 2 2013. I then went to a counselor on Jan 9 2013. She is a wonderful person. I would normally have my stupid depression attacks during the evening. (5pm - around 10:00pm) The day I went to see her I wasn't thinking about the time and I didn't have a Depression attack. I then left and went to GA and didn't have the depression for 2 days in a row. The only thing I kept saying to my self is (THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU) That worked so well for those 2 days. My appetite came back and I had hope.
I usually care a great deal about what people think of me, so much so that I've missed out on a lot of opportunities. If I misspell a would or I don't use a comma in the right place, please bare with me. I'm only human, I cant do everything right and as you can see I have enough to deal with. I'll try to write everyday and I will love to talk to you guys about what I do to shorten the pain. DEATH is not the answer!!! I can relate though, you just sit there while you mind is trying to fix itself and you cant understand why you are hurting so bad. You sit there and cry about whats going on with you. you worry that your'e going crazy. And trust me, your'e not going crazy! You are fully aware that this crap ain't right! lol... This is going to be a day by day Diary of what goes on with me. I might update by the hour or I might update by the day. I also want to help people that need someone to talk to. like really need someone to talk to. I will pray for you, even if you don't believe in god. You can even email me. The messages come straight to my cell phone. so think of it as a text message. I love you and we share something that no one else can understand - Depression.
I'm going to start with how I think I got here! then wrap around to the point where I am now.
Diary Post #1. My First Panic Attack - Feb 1 2013 - 4pm
Well we all remember the first time a panic attack happened. You feel like you can't breath, and you just KNOW your'e losing it. The first time I had a panic attack I was 14 years old. I brought it on myself really. I was a virgin and I wanted so badly to grow up! I hated the fact that my mother was seeing a new guy and decided to move him in with us. My mother was young when she had me and she just dropped me off to my Grandmother house one day and hit the road. That's a story for a different diary post. that story is quite interesting. But anyways, she didn't get me back until I was 13. I was so happy to have her in my life. I love her so much and I still do! I thought it was finally going to be just me and her. To my surprise, she met a guy an within 4 months he moved in and brought his daughter! I hated his daughter! I started acting out and wanted to feel some kind of release. I started wanting to take ecstasy and and smoke weed. I wanted to feel cool and just feel something different. So I finally got a chance to escape myself. I tried weed. I was 14 at the time and so stupid! I went over to my cousin's house over the weekend and told her what I wanted to do. She called up a few of her guy friends and they told us to meet them at one of there other friends trap houses. ( A trap house is where you go buy drugs) Well we walked there and went inside to buy drugs. Well at the time I was 14 and my cousin was 16. Both of us very young girls and really naive. The guy that was there wanted us to stay and smoke the weed with him. I told him no, and he kinda got upset. I wasn't afraid of him so I stood on my word. He then took the money and let us leave with the drugs. When we got home later that night we started to smoke the weed. Then something crazy started to happen! I completely blacked out. I can only tell you that I remember laughing and not being able to control my head. I was shaking it from side to side. I don't even know how long it lasted! My cousin was doing the same thing. I then started to snap out of it and then all hell broke lose. I was standing on her bed telling her that i was in a dream. God it felt like a dream! I was so convinced! The next day was so hard for me, I couldn't understand what happened. I had this bad feeling in my chest that I couldn't get rid of. I finally broke down and told my dad to take me to the hospital. As soon as I told him what I'd down, the anxiety attack went away. I had never had any problems with depression or anxiety in my life prior to that night! I hate that I did what I did every time I feel anxiety. That single experiences has caused me not to trust people. I wont drink while I'm out parting and I wont dare take medications. It took me forever to take antibiotics.
Diary Post #1 (Side Post). My First Panic Attack - Feb 1 2013 - 8pm
I just ordered some Chinese takeout for my family. I notice that while I have an apatite I still don't enjoy food like I used to. This thing is slowly lifting off of my everyday. I just got in the shower and almost started getting afraid for no reason. I just stopped in the middle of the shower and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled. Then I got back to taking a shower so i could get out of there. I just want to have a normal Friday night. I just wanna watch a movie with no problems or bad feelings. No panic attacks none of that dumb crap. I will say this though. I watch the entire season of Game Of Thrones and I really paid attention. My bad feelings had no room in my head, I was really into the show. Every second. This really helps me too. Well I'm just sitting here in my room in the bed with my mom listening to John Mayer Slow dancing in a burning room. I love this song. I'm also writing my book that's now online. Oh and before I forget! I had a little bit of a sex drive this afternoon!!! I haven't wanted to have sex for a month. I didn't even have thoughts of it before. I hope I start feeling better permanently! Its like a dull sadness compared to what I felt on Dec 31. That was the most painful day of my life.
Diary Post #2 Today has been up and down... - 7pm
I have been up and down. I don't even feel like writing this right now. I just like to keep telling myself that I wont be like this for the rest of my life. God I hate days like this. My feelings scare me sometimes. Makes me feel like I cant ever be happy. I don't want this to be apart of my life! I don't want to be like this anymore. I want my other brain back. I miss worrying about normal things! Being mad and hurt about a real reason. Having the pain ease away and stay away. But when youre fighting something that has no reason, its so hard. I just keep having this thought of when i was coming back from the beach in 08. I was in the car with my cousin and my friends. We were listening to music and flirting with some cute guys we met at the beach. I remember that day and it makes me smile. I had no idea then that i would be faced with this shit. I can remember being so sad and still not feeling like this. It really feels like something is trying to live in me and keep me dark in order to fester. I have no room for this in my life! I watched tv with my family today and that really took my mind off of it. but I really hate this shit and it needs to stop! I keep saying its getting weaker, but when its happening i still feel bad. I also know that its for no reason! I wanna be me again!!! I want me back for good. All my shallowness! all my silliness, all my desires and hopes and dreams! I want to not fear! Fear is trying to make a home in my head! This is such bullshit! I guess you can say I'm not being very positive today! But whatever! What am i supposed to do with this stupid ass feeling! I wanna be free! Sorry for the rant but this is whats going on with me today! - I feel so much better right now. A little dizzy. but I feel better after writing this.
Diary Post #3 Normal is the new - Feeling Great - Feb 03 2013
Today has been a great day. I haven't felt one ounce of depression. I pray that this will last over into the night. I got out of the house and went to get some food. This is my last day eating bad foods. Tomorrow I start my active lifestyle and eating plus juicing. I'm also going to go to the doctors to get tested to see if I have any deficiencies. I have been reading a book that was recommended to me by one of the users on this site. It is very helpful and feels me with hope that we are getting closer to getting rid of depression. I will keep you all updated on that info as well. Power Of Vitamin D is the name of the book and it is free if you have a kindle. you can also download the kindle app on your iphone as well. its realy an easy process. Feel free to leave a comment on my post if you have a question or if you wanna chat. I love to talk, so that fine with me.
First I wanna get to the basics... I'm suffering from Depression. Its up and down everyday. The day this started was one of the strongest days of my depression. This started on December 31 2012. It has gotten weaker everyday since then, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts and bothers me. For 3 days I didn't have a desire to eat or drink. Dec 31 - Jan 2 2013. I then went to a counselor on Jan 9 2013. She is a wonderful person. I would normally have my stupid depression attacks during the evening. (5pm - around 10:00pm) The day I went to see her I wasn't thinking about the time and I didn't have a Depression attack. I then left and went to GA and didn't have the depression for 2 days in a row. The only thing I kept saying to my self is (THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU) That worked so well for those 2 days. My appetite came back and I had hope.
I usually care a great deal about what people think of me, so much so that I've missed out on a lot of opportunities. If I misspell a would or I don't use a comma in the right place, please bare with me. I'm only human, I cant do everything right and as you can see I have enough to deal with. I'll try to write everyday and I will love to talk to you guys about what I do to shorten the pain. DEATH is not the answer!!! I can relate though, you just sit there while you mind is trying to fix itself and you cant understand why you are hurting so bad. You sit there and cry about whats going on with you. you worry that your'e going crazy. And trust me, your'e not going crazy! You are fully aware that this crap ain't right! lol... This is going to be a day by day Diary of what goes on with me. I might update by the hour or I might update by the day. I also want to help people that need someone to talk to. like really need someone to talk to. I will pray for you, even if you don't believe in god. You can even email me. The messages come straight to my cell phone. so think of it as a text message. I love you and we share something that no one else can understand - Depression.
I'm going to start with how I think I got here! then wrap around to the point where I am now.
Diary Post #1. My First Panic Attack - Feb 1 2013 - 4pm
Well we all remember the first time a panic attack happened. You feel like you can't breath, and you just KNOW your'e losing it. The first time I had a panic attack I was 14 years old. I brought it on myself really. I was a virgin and I wanted so badly to grow up! I hated the fact that my mother was seeing a new guy and decided to move him in with us. My mother was young when she had me and she just dropped me off to my Grandmother house one day and hit the road. That's a story for a different diary post. that story is quite interesting. But anyways, she didn't get me back until I was 13. I was so happy to have her in my life. I love her so much and I still do! I thought it was finally going to be just me and her. To my surprise, she met a guy an within 4 months he moved in and brought his daughter! I hated his daughter! I started acting out and wanted to feel some kind of release. I started wanting to take ecstasy and and smoke weed. I wanted to feel cool and just feel something different. So I finally got a chance to escape myself. I tried weed. I was 14 at the time and so stupid! I went over to my cousin's house over the weekend and told her what I wanted to do. She called up a few of her guy friends and they told us to meet them at one of there other friends trap houses. ( A trap house is where you go buy drugs) Well we walked there and went inside to buy drugs. Well at the time I was 14 and my cousin was 16. Both of us very young girls and really naive. The guy that was there wanted us to stay and smoke the weed with him. I told him no, and he kinda got upset. I wasn't afraid of him so I stood on my word. He then took the money and let us leave with the drugs. When we got home later that night we started to smoke the weed. Then something crazy started to happen! I completely blacked out. I can only tell you that I remember laughing and not being able to control my head. I was shaking it from side to side. I don't even know how long it lasted! My cousin was doing the same thing. I then started to snap out of it and then all hell broke lose. I was standing on her bed telling her that i was in a dream. God it felt like a dream! I was so convinced! The next day was so hard for me, I couldn't understand what happened. I had this bad feeling in my chest that I couldn't get rid of. I finally broke down and told my dad to take me to the hospital. As soon as I told him what I'd down, the anxiety attack went away. I had never had any problems with depression or anxiety in my life prior to that night! I hate that I did what I did every time I feel anxiety. That single experiences has caused me not to trust people. I wont drink while I'm out parting and I wont dare take medications. It took me forever to take antibiotics.
Diary Post #1 (Side Post). My First Panic Attack - Feb 1 2013 - 8pm
I just ordered some Chinese takeout for my family. I notice that while I have an apatite I still don't enjoy food like I used to. This thing is slowly lifting off of my everyday. I just got in the shower and almost started getting afraid for no reason. I just stopped in the middle of the shower and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled. Then I got back to taking a shower so i could get out of there. I just want to have a normal Friday night. I just wanna watch a movie with no problems or bad feelings. No panic attacks none of that dumb crap. I will say this though. I watch the entire season of Game Of Thrones and I really paid attention. My bad feelings had no room in my head, I was really into the show. Every second. This really helps me too. Well I'm just sitting here in my room in the bed with my mom listening to John Mayer Slow dancing in a burning room. I love this song. I'm also writing my book that's now online. Oh and before I forget! I had a little bit of a sex drive this afternoon!!! I haven't wanted to have sex for a month. I didn't even have thoughts of it before. I hope I start feeling better permanently! Its like a dull sadness compared to what I felt on Dec 31. That was the most painful day of my life.
Diary Post #2 Today has been up and down... - 7pm
I have been up and down. I don't even feel like writing this right now. I just like to keep telling myself that I wont be like this for the rest of my life. God I hate days like this. My feelings scare me sometimes. Makes me feel like I cant ever be happy. I don't want this to be apart of my life! I don't want to be like this anymore. I want my other brain back. I miss worrying about normal things! Being mad and hurt about a real reason. Having the pain ease away and stay away. But when youre fighting something that has no reason, its so hard. I just keep having this thought of when i was coming back from the beach in 08. I was in the car with my cousin and my friends. We were listening to music and flirting with some cute guys we met at the beach. I remember that day and it makes me smile. I had no idea then that i would be faced with this shit. I can remember being so sad and still not feeling like this. It really feels like something is trying to live in me and keep me dark in order to fester. I have no room for this in my life! I watched tv with my family today and that really took my mind off of it. but I really hate this shit and it needs to stop! I keep saying its getting weaker, but when its happening i still feel bad. I also know that its for no reason! I wanna be me again!!! I want me back for good. All my shallowness! all my silliness, all my desires and hopes and dreams! I want to not fear! Fear is trying to make a home in my head! This is such bullshit! I guess you can say I'm not being very positive today! But whatever! What am i supposed to do with this stupid ass feeling! I wanna be free! Sorry for the rant but this is whats going on with me today! - I feel so much better right now. A little dizzy. but I feel better after writing this.
Diary Post #3 Normal is the new - Feeling Great - Feb 03 2013
Today has been a great day. I haven't felt one ounce of depression. I pray that this will last over into the night. I got out of the house and went to get some food. This is my last day eating bad foods. Tomorrow I start my active lifestyle and eating plus juicing. I'm also going to go to the doctors to get tested to see if I have any deficiencies. I have been reading a book that was recommended to me by one of the users on this site. It is very helpful and feels me with hope that we are getting closer to getting rid of depression. I will keep you all updated on that info as well. Power Of Vitamin D is the name of the book and it is free if you have a kindle. you can also download the kindle app on your iphone as well. its realy an easy process. Feel free to leave a comment on my post if you have a question or if you wanna chat. I love to talk, so that fine with me.