A day in my life with anxiety.

[SussexDunc]

Just a want to get this off my chest to an audience who can relate. I'm a 36yr old salesman, great career with large corporates (ex IBM, ex Cable & Wireless), great family, enthusiastic cyclist, and with a small but excellent circle of friends. I loved cars, loved driving, loved my work, loved doing what I was doing.

However, five and a half years ago i was in a very stressful job, not getting a lot of sleep, with a young baby in the family, and had only recently buried my Dad. One particular day was very stressful in the office. I left the office for the two hour drive home, hopped in the car, and cranked up the Prodigy to full volume. The weapons-grade stereo in the car didn't do my ears any good, and I was getting very short dizzy spells on the way home. Twenty minutes from the house, as I was over taking a lorry, the world lurched sideways.

I had a panic attack...

And life hasn't been the same since...

I've been through psychiatrists, therapists, hypotherapists, been tested for every ailment known to mankind... You all know the score.

Today I had a relatively calm day - drive 40 miles to see a customer, easy meeting, drive home... Nothing else to do. Got myself sorted, left the house, got in the car, and the internal dialogue starts...

"Just relax you idiot... You're not going to have a heart attack... Or die... Or anything else..."
"Stop listening to your body.... Stop it.... That pressure in your chest and head is because you're tense, nothing else"
"Oh flaming hell, hot flush! Argh, ignore it, ignore it, it's snowing outside, it's cold in the car, it's your body being silly, think of something else"

This goes on for 45 minutes. I'm not scared of anything on the roads, I'm scared of me, I'm scared of my body...

So, at the customer office - ignore the momentary dizzy spells, I've got a sinus infection at the moment, and tension in my lower back. Coupled with the natural tension of anxiety, of course I'm going to have these split second dizzy spells. Indeed, I'm so tense it's a marvel my brain can balance me at all... Just keep thinking that...

Sat in the customer meeting, one of our partner firms is presenting, I've seen it before, it's not very interesting... My mind wanders... "Hmmm, look at that, my hands are very red compared with everyone else's... I wonder what my blood pressure is... Covertly check my pulse... Hmmm, mid 60bpm I'd say..."

Then repeat the drive up with the drive home... Only this time throw in a momentary dizzy spell when hitting a hump in the road just as I'm looking and refocusing on the dashboard.

Repeat daily... And don't even ask me about train journeys :o)

The avoidance has reached a new peak this year, for reasons too lengthy to go into on this post, but I'm amazed I've still got a job. The really silly thing is that on the very rare occasions I do have a full blown panic attack, I'm normally able to talk myself out of it in a minute or two.

Anxiety/Panic... It really is a constant companion. Like being followed around by your own pet deranged dog - only you can see it, only you knows it is there, and only you know that at some point it will bite you, usually at the least convenient moment possible, and in front of everyone.

Thanks for listening

[luke1990c]

Just a want to get this off my chest to an audience who can relate. I'm a 36yr old salesman, great career with large corporates (ex IBM, ex Cable & Wireless), great family, enthusiastic cyclist, and with a small but excellent circle of friends. I loved cars, loved driving, loved my work, loved doing what I was doing.

However, five and a half years ago i was in a very stressful job, not getting a lot of sleep, with a young baby in the family, and had only recently buried my Dad. One particular day was very stressful in the office. I left the office for the two hour drive home, hopped in the car, and cranked up the Prodigy to full volume. The weapons-grade stereo in the car didn't do my ears any good, and I was getting very short dizzy spells on the way home. Twenty minutes from the house, as I was over taking a lorry, the world lurched sideways.

I had a panic attack...

And life hasn't been the same since...

I've been through psychiatrists, therapists, hypotherapists, been tested for every ailment known to mankind... You all know the score.

Today I had a relatively calm day - drive 40 miles to see a customer, easy meeting, drive home... Nothing else to do. Got myself sorted, left the house, got in the car, and the internal dialogue starts...

"Just relax you idiot... You're not going to have a heart attack... Or die... Or anything else..."
"Stop listening to your body.... Stop it.... That pressure in your chest and head is because you're tense, nothing else"
"Oh flaming hell, hot flush! Argh, ignore it, ignore it, it's snowing outside, it's cold in the car, it's your body being silly, think of something else"

This goes on for 45 minutes. I'm not scared of anything on the roads, I'm scared of me, I'm scared of my body...

So, at the customer office - ignore the momentary dizzy spells, I've got a sinus infection at the moment, and tension in my lower back. Coupled with the natural tension of anxiety, of course I'm going to have these split second dizzy spells. Indeed, I'm so tense it's a marvel my brain can balance me at all... Just keep thinking that...

Sat in the customer meeting, one of our partner firms is presenting, I've seen it before, it's not very interesting... My mind wanders... "Hmmm, look at that, my hands are very red compared with everyone else's... I wonder what my blood pressure is... Covertly check my pulse... Hmmm, mid 60bpm I'd say..."

Then repeat the drive up with the drive home... Only this time throw in a momentary dizzy spell when hitting a hump in the road just as I'm looking and refocusing on the dashboard.

Repeat daily... And don't even ask me about train journeys :o)

The avoidance has reached a new peak this year, for reasons too lengthy to go into on this post, but I'm amazed I've still got a job. The really silly thing is that on the very rare occasions I do have a full blown panic attack, I'm normally able to talk myself out of it in a minute or two.

Anxiety/Panic... It really is a constant companion. Like being followed around by your own pet deranged dog - only you can see it, only you knows it is there, and only you know that at some point it will bite you, usually at the least convenient moment possible, and in front of everyone.

Thanks for listening

Could drop me a message if you don't mind, you just described my problem !! Thanks, Luke

[dakotaR72]

I know how you feel. I have battled agoraphobia for 8 years. I am at the point where you are, almost no panic attacks longer than a few minutes, but rarely a day goes by that there aren't symptoms (I also hate that moment on my commute where I get dizzy and unfocused looking from the radio to the dashboard!), as well as all the negative thoughts. I often feel like you do, like it is an invisible shadow that tags along with me every day. The more I get used to panic and my routine, the more I feel like I avoid. "Well, look at all I can do now that I used to not be able to do. Is it SUCH a big deal that I can't drive more than an hour from home without having a panic attack?" Or, "Oh, a concert. I don't do concerts. I'll just stay home." When in reality I love concerts but have wasted too much money on buying tickets and leaving halfway through them.

I think, like you, I'm just tired of the things I still can't do, the racing negative thoughts that are always there even if we've learned to control the panic symptoms, and the long term effects and frustration of panic. While I am continuously hopeful that I can still make progress and be more positive, I mostly just wanted to let you know that it may seem frustrating, but it is often a journey toward positive outcomes and greater self-management. I have started journaling again, as I did when I was first diagnosed, and that has been helpful in showing me that I am indeed still making progress, especially when it comes to negative thoughts. Hope this helps!

[SussexDunc]

Well, I just typed out a long post about what I've just been diagnosed with, but the buggy ipad app doesn't appear to have uploaded it.


Basically, it's so subtle and yet so obvious that I'm kicking myself it didn't occur to my hopeless GP all those years ago.

Audio vestibular test revealed my left balance organ (part of inner ear which gives brain balance info based on air pressure, sound, and air temp) is about twice as sensitive as my right... All the panic explained... Literally every single attack. My brain can generally cope with the differing information being supplied, but sometimes it trips over into panic. "You'll probably find you're prone to panic attacks" said the consultant after the cold air in one ear test which revealed this in incredibly minor problem which huge implications.

Now I just need to unlearn all the anxiety and avoidance behaviour

Luke - drop me a pm if you want to talk about it further if it sounds like you.