kata
01-23-2013, 09:09 AM
I am going through a hard time and I'm seeking some advice from people who can actually understand what I'm going through.
By way of brief background, I'm a 28 y/o woman. I didn't ever experience anxiety until about a year ago. It was completely out of nowhere and not centralized on any one issue. One day, I started having a panic attack and it didn't stop for 48 hours until I went to my doctor and got put on medication (.25 Sertraline, .25 Xanax). I took a bunch of Xanax those first few days waiting for the Sertraline to kick in. They calmed me. After about 2-3 weeks, the Sertraline made me feel completely back to normal. I haven't had the need to take the Xanax since last year when this all happened. A few months ago, I also weened myself off the Sertraline. I still get moments of anxiety but I felt that the breakdown I had experienced was basically over and that I had moved on in my life.
This is going to sound irrelevant but you'll understand as you read more: I have always LOVED travel. I've travelled all over the world. I spent a month in Australia (I cite this by way of example because it is just about as far away from East Coast USA as you can get). I have even travelled internationally since my whole little panic issue. I just recently planned another vacation. I did a ton of planning, spent days researching, etc. I booked the airfare, went to sleep, and the next morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach. There was nothing specifically I could pinpoint that was bothering me (i.e. it's not an issue with the plane like most people) but I convinced myself that my nerves were because of this trip and I really went with it, adding more nerves, and then a little bit of panic to the situation. By mid-day, I let myself go off the deep end and was so upset, crying, etc. and after a few hours, I cancelled the trip. I am SO DISAPPOINTED in myself that this whole thing happened. I feel silly getting so dramatic over a vacation but as someone who loves travel, this is truly devastating to me. My boyfriend is an amazingly supportive person and travel companion but I could see the disappointment in his face too.
It's weird because I know that I will be OK once I'm there. And I know I will feel incredibly happy once I'm back. But I'm afraid to re-book because of the nerves I might experience leading up to the trip. I do not want to undo all the progress I have made over the past year (as a side note: I am starting a new job in 6 weeks so it would be a really bad time in my life to go through this again). I NEVER thought that would happen, especially not over something that makes me so happy, but the other day was so traumatizing for me and I felt myself slipping back into that bad way... nervous stomach ache, can't eat, racy mind, etc. I think to myself that there are a ton of bad things in life that I am going to HAVE to push myself through... an optional vacation (that I'm spending thousands on!) is not one of them! It's supposed to be fun! I don't have to go! It's not worth risking my mental health over a dumb vacation. And ever since I've cancelled, I feel a LOT better and take so much comfort in the fact that I'm not going.
But on the other hand, I feel like that kind of thinking is a total cop out. I just got anxious over something and ran in the other direction, taking the easy way out rather than confronting it and conquering it. And in the meantime, I let an awesome opportunity pass me by. I'm devastated that I'm missing out on what could have been an awesome trip. I feel terrible to let my boyfriend down. And quite frankly. I'm concerned that this could lead to issues in the future with travelling. I feel like the right thing to do would have been to keep the reservations and conquer the fear...I keep re-checking all the websites to see if the reservations are still open to re-book and I'm dying to go.... but I'm scared to go down a bad road in the 3 weeks leading up to the trip...especially now that it's become "a thing".
OK now I feel that I'm rambling but I'm just so sad that I'm going through this again... I really thought it was over and it just came back in a somewhat crippling way...
Can anyone relate?
By way of brief background, I'm a 28 y/o woman. I didn't ever experience anxiety until about a year ago. It was completely out of nowhere and not centralized on any one issue. One day, I started having a panic attack and it didn't stop for 48 hours until I went to my doctor and got put on medication (.25 Sertraline, .25 Xanax). I took a bunch of Xanax those first few days waiting for the Sertraline to kick in. They calmed me. After about 2-3 weeks, the Sertraline made me feel completely back to normal. I haven't had the need to take the Xanax since last year when this all happened. A few months ago, I also weened myself off the Sertraline. I still get moments of anxiety but I felt that the breakdown I had experienced was basically over and that I had moved on in my life.
This is going to sound irrelevant but you'll understand as you read more: I have always LOVED travel. I've travelled all over the world. I spent a month in Australia (I cite this by way of example because it is just about as far away from East Coast USA as you can get). I have even travelled internationally since my whole little panic issue. I just recently planned another vacation. I did a ton of planning, spent days researching, etc. I booked the airfare, went to sleep, and the next morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach. There was nothing specifically I could pinpoint that was bothering me (i.e. it's not an issue with the plane like most people) but I convinced myself that my nerves were because of this trip and I really went with it, adding more nerves, and then a little bit of panic to the situation. By mid-day, I let myself go off the deep end and was so upset, crying, etc. and after a few hours, I cancelled the trip. I am SO DISAPPOINTED in myself that this whole thing happened. I feel silly getting so dramatic over a vacation but as someone who loves travel, this is truly devastating to me. My boyfriend is an amazingly supportive person and travel companion but I could see the disappointment in his face too.
It's weird because I know that I will be OK once I'm there. And I know I will feel incredibly happy once I'm back. But I'm afraid to re-book because of the nerves I might experience leading up to the trip. I do not want to undo all the progress I have made over the past year (as a side note: I am starting a new job in 6 weeks so it would be a really bad time in my life to go through this again). I NEVER thought that would happen, especially not over something that makes me so happy, but the other day was so traumatizing for me and I felt myself slipping back into that bad way... nervous stomach ache, can't eat, racy mind, etc. I think to myself that there are a ton of bad things in life that I am going to HAVE to push myself through... an optional vacation (that I'm spending thousands on!) is not one of them! It's supposed to be fun! I don't have to go! It's not worth risking my mental health over a dumb vacation. And ever since I've cancelled, I feel a LOT better and take so much comfort in the fact that I'm not going.
But on the other hand, I feel like that kind of thinking is a total cop out. I just got anxious over something and ran in the other direction, taking the easy way out rather than confronting it and conquering it. And in the meantime, I let an awesome opportunity pass me by. I'm devastated that I'm missing out on what could have been an awesome trip. I feel terrible to let my boyfriend down. And quite frankly. I'm concerned that this could lead to issues in the future with travelling. I feel like the right thing to do would have been to keep the reservations and conquer the fear...I keep re-checking all the websites to see if the reservations are still open to re-book and I'm dying to go.... but I'm scared to go down a bad road in the 3 weeks leading up to the trip...especially now that it's become "a thing".
OK now I feel that I'm rambling but I'm just so sad that I'm going through this again... I really thought it was over and it just came back in a somewhat crippling way...
Can anyone relate?