Anyone feel the same way?

[rollerasda]

Hello,

I am a 23 year old male, for years now I've had this thing where my mind doesn't give me any peace. Whenever I'm on my own its like I have a cinema screen in my head that plays humiliating or distressing events in my life on a loop. My mind also obsessively go over things and try and find ways to make it seem like I've done something bad. When I'm alone I tell myself out loud to "shut up" a few times every day.
. I have always listened to a walkman and when I'm on my own outside I always have on a podcast of some comedy on my ipod. I enjoy listening to them, and comedy really makes me feel better but the fact that I always listen to the same ones is like I'm trying to distract my mind so it'll give me a break!
I'm also very very scared of being attacked in the street, to the point where if I see a group of kids my heart beats uncontrollably and I walk INSANE routes round to avoid them (the other day I spend 7 pounds on a taxi because I thought there were some kids at the bustop.)
This has led to me drinking loads when i go out just so i'm not scared of walking home (when I'm drunk I'm pretty much fearless)

Anyway does any of this sound familiar to anyone?

It's just getting a bit much at the moment and i'm not sure if this happens to other people as well.
I know that self doubt is a part of my personality and it brings with it some good qualities, but its just sometimes I have these moments of clarity (like now) where I think "hold on, I don't have to live like this, other people don't"

[V for Victor]

This all sounds very characteristic of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive- ... e_disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder)

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is characterized by intrusive, unwanted thoughts (such as the unpleasant events that play through your mind, or the intense fear of being attacked,) and certain compulsions that we do to try and eliminate or appease our obsessions. You were saying you walk"insane" routes to avoid crossing a group of kids... that is OCD making you do that, to try and feel better.

Basically, there's a mechanism that is not working correctly in your brain. Your brain is stuck in gear.

OCD affects millions of people, and it is a well documented, proven condition. You are right, you DON'T have to live like this.

I have OCD, but have only known about it for about a year or so. But looking back, I see now that I had OCD tendancies my entire life, and so does my mother, and her parents. (OCD seems to be hereditary.)

My OCD was centered on fears about contamination and health. I, for instance, would not shower in one of the bathrooms in my house for weeks because I was convinced it was contaminated and that I would get sick and die if I went in there. When walking through another room in my house I would have to hold my breath until getting out of it due to fears of the air being contaminated. My fears got bad enough that I wasn't eating properly, and was not functioning. Then I realized what I had after reading a book that my mom had bought on the topic. I went to see a doctor, she prescribed medication, and the pills, in combination with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have allowed me to clear my mind and get my OCD under control.

The book I read was "BRAIN LOCK" by a doc named Gregory M. Schwartz. (See the link in my signature.)

That book is a good place to start learning about OCD and how to beat it.

Other manifestations of OCD can include:

Obsessive thoughts about violence. This can include seeing unwanted violent images in your head, obsessing that you'll go crazy and kill somebody, or being killed yourself. (I also struggled with this.)

Obsessions about morals/religion. This can be anything from a constant feeling of guilt over certain actions, unwanted blasphemous thoughts, a nagging confusion over right/wrong, etc.

Obsessions about contamination and health. A feeling that certain things, people, or places are "contaminated," and that it is unsafe to make contact with them. Often characterized by incessant washing, showering, or cleaning. (As I said, I struggle with this too. Some folks have it so bad they wash until their skin is raw.)

Obsessions with checking. For instance, obsessively checking to make sure doors are locked, appliances are off, etc.

There are numerous other manifestations of this condition, but you get the picture. I often link people to this test by the University of Hamburg:

http://www.mental-health-today.com/tests/ocdtest.htm

It will help you pinpoint if you have OCD tendancies, and what kind.

Please do feel free to send me a private message, or continue in this thread if you want to talk more. :)