synaptic
05-26-2007, 02:21 PM
hi,
im new here...just joined today.
it seems that one of my old nemesis, anxiety, is back and in full effect. for a huge percentage of my life, i suffered from severe depression and constant anxiety. with the aid medication as a stepping stone, and a focused determination to get better, i was able to change my outlook on life and retrain/heal my brain. for years afterwards i no longer needed meds, i was free of any significant depression (only rare minor bouts.) my anxiety eased up dramatically too and also dropped back to only rare minor occurrences. it was great. but things have changed for the worse this year.
in february i was hit by a sudden wall of anxiety so hard and strong i couldnt even recognize it at first. within a day my digestive system was such a wreck that i figured i was just experiancing a flu or intestinal virus of some sort. i was a mess. throughout this, my anxiety levels were through the roof. once it even got to the point where all my senses felt "wrong." after a week of dealing with this (to varying degrees) i went to a doctor and they couldnt find anything in my blood tests that would indicate any normal ailment. it took two weeks for my digestive system to settle down, but it never got back to full strength. it took 3 weeks for my anxiety to ease up, but that never went totally away either.
in the months since then, my anxiety levels have been all over the place. on rare occasions i have good days and im clear of it, but usually its at least low level. many times its high enough to make me feel quite sick to my stomach. in general, my digestive system has not been quite right since this hit. (though the minor bonus is that i have lost weight because of this, which i needed to do anyway.)
so i had to ask myself what the hell has caused this...and it didnt take me long to find it.
last year really sucked. we had two deaths in the family (within two months of each other), i had major car problems for the first 8 months of the year, i got sick (as in normal ailment) several times, there have been regular concerns about the future of my job, and i work with my mother (we have a family business) who has been constantly either crying, on the verge of crying, or angry because of fighting with her sister (over my grandmother's estate), the diabetes she developed last summer, and the breast cancer they found just two months ago. additionally, those topics are all she talks about. in the meantime, she has not been able to focus on work so i have had to cover and keep the business running, while the rest of that is going on right behind me in the same room.
after everything that happened last year, i really thought i was dealing with it ok. i had some seriously anxious and sad times, but i hung in there and at least the depression didnt seem to come back. by the time the holidays rolled around, i just felt burnt out. i had zero christmas spirit. the hollidays were like any other day off, except i had family obligations. i figured that wasnt a good sign, but after all that had happened i thought it was understandable and that i'd get better in the new year.
in january there was a week or so where our business future looked questionable again (we have only one big client and if we loose them, we're screwed...and there have been shakeups and troubling rumors over there which have kept us on edge.) this brought anxiety closer to the surface, but i still thought i was keeping my self under control. i dont even remember what, if anything, happened in february to make me snap, but snap i did.
once my birthday had passed in march, i felt some relief. so i hypothesized that maybe my birthday had a greater impact on me than i thought. but since i was feeling better, surely i must be on my way to getting better now. ...no dice... some degree of anxiety hung around through april, bouts of digestive problems in tow. by late april my mother got the word from the doctors about her breast cancer. thankfully they caught it early and the prognosis is very good, but that just seems to be adding to the weights on my mental state.
last week we had a problem at work again. from the looks of things, the logical side of my mind can see that everything should turn out ok in the end and the problem is probably far smaller than it feels to me right now. but until everything is running like normal again, i cant seem to chill out at all. for the last few days my anxiety has been going crazy.
all this has been screwing up my sleep too. i cant remember when i last slept straight through the night and woke up feeling refreshed. instead i often (usually) wake up tired with strong anxiety problems. the worst of the anxiety typically easy up to a lower level in a few hours, but its becoming the first thing i wake up to every day and its got to the point where these feelings just never seem to go away.
i cant stand this any longer. i absolutely have to find a way to break this feedback cycle and get my head back to a better place. im tired of feeling freaked out, im tired of feeling ill, im tired of not being able to enjoy eating, im tired of not sleeping well, im tired of feeling that everything is somehow "wrong" and about to get worse, and im tired of not being able to clearly view my situation and feel safe in passing logical judgment or properly gauge the level of importance of the events in my life. this has got to stop.
i've been thinking about trying to get an appointment with my old psychologist. not just to talk things out, but to get some medication again so i can get a taste of what its like to have a good baseline again. last time around, that helped me tell the difference between a "right" and "wrong" state of mind and gave me a specific feeling/goal to work towards, rather than just the unspecific desire of just to not feel bad. but i really would rather not be on meds again if i dont have to. i know that meds are only an aid, and its up to me to actually fix myself. so if its up to me to get the job done, then i should be able to do it on my own. but im having a really hard time finding the path again.
i actually still have xanax left over from back then, but the shelf life is supposed to be a max of 3 years and this stuff is a good 4 years old now. so i dont know if its safe to take it. i dont know if it just looses its effectiveness over time, or if you can get sick by taking old xanax. anyone here know about that?
of course the safest thing to do would just be to go to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist and get a new prescription, but i wouldnt mind trying it out first with what i've got (if its safe), just to get a feel for whether or not i feel i would significantly benefit from some medication right now or not, before go through all that.
i really miss feeling safe, healthy and happy. part of me still feels that way and keeps fighting...but its getting to the point where a good 50% of me is trying to go the other way, and its a pretty harsh battle.
:?
im new here...just joined today.
it seems that one of my old nemesis, anxiety, is back and in full effect. for a huge percentage of my life, i suffered from severe depression and constant anxiety. with the aid medication as a stepping stone, and a focused determination to get better, i was able to change my outlook on life and retrain/heal my brain. for years afterwards i no longer needed meds, i was free of any significant depression (only rare minor bouts.) my anxiety eased up dramatically too and also dropped back to only rare minor occurrences. it was great. but things have changed for the worse this year.
in february i was hit by a sudden wall of anxiety so hard and strong i couldnt even recognize it at first. within a day my digestive system was such a wreck that i figured i was just experiancing a flu or intestinal virus of some sort. i was a mess. throughout this, my anxiety levels were through the roof. once it even got to the point where all my senses felt "wrong." after a week of dealing with this (to varying degrees) i went to a doctor and they couldnt find anything in my blood tests that would indicate any normal ailment. it took two weeks for my digestive system to settle down, but it never got back to full strength. it took 3 weeks for my anxiety to ease up, but that never went totally away either.
in the months since then, my anxiety levels have been all over the place. on rare occasions i have good days and im clear of it, but usually its at least low level. many times its high enough to make me feel quite sick to my stomach. in general, my digestive system has not been quite right since this hit. (though the minor bonus is that i have lost weight because of this, which i needed to do anyway.)
so i had to ask myself what the hell has caused this...and it didnt take me long to find it.
last year really sucked. we had two deaths in the family (within two months of each other), i had major car problems for the first 8 months of the year, i got sick (as in normal ailment) several times, there have been regular concerns about the future of my job, and i work with my mother (we have a family business) who has been constantly either crying, on the verge of crying, or angry because of fighting with her sister (over my grandmother's estate), the diabetes she developed last summer, and the breast cancer they found just two months ago. additionally, those topics are all she talks about. in the meantime, she has not been able to focus on work so i have had to cover and keep the business running, while the rest of that is going on right behind me in the same room.
after everything that happened last year, i really thought i was dealing with it ok. i had some seriously anxious and sad times, but i hung in there and at least the depression didnt seem to come back. by the time the holidays rolled around, i just felt burnt out. i had zero christmas spirit. the hollidays were like any other day off, except i had family obligations. i figured that wasnt a good sign, but after all that had happened i thought it was understandable and that i'd get better in the new year.
in january there was a week or so where our business future looked questionable again (we have only one big client and if we loose them, we're screwed...and there have been shakeups and troubling rumors over there which have kept us on edge.) this brought anxiety closer to the surface, but i still thought i was keeping my self under control. i dont even remember what, if anything, happened in february to make me snap, but snap i did.
once my birthday had passed in march, i felt some relief. so i hypothesized that maybe my birthday had a greater impact on me than i thought. but since i was feeling better, surely i must be on my way to getting better now. ...no dice... some degree of anxiety hung around through april, bouts of digestive problems in tow. by late april my mother got the word from the doctors about her breast cancer. thankfully they caught it early and the prognosis is very good, but that just seems to be adding to the weights on my mental state.
last week we had a problem at work again. from the looks of things, the logical side of my mind can see that everything should turn out ok in the end and the problem is probably far smaller than it feels to me right now. but until everything is running like normal again, i cant seem to chill out at all. for the last few days my anxiety has been going crazy.
all this has been screwing up my sleep too. i cant remember when i last slept straight through the night and woke up feeling refreshed. instead i often (usually) wake up tired with strong anxiety problems. the worst of the anxiety typically easy up to a lower level in a few hours, but its becoming the first thing i wake up to every day and its got to the point where these feelings just never seem to go away.
i cant stand this any longer. i absolutely have to find a way to break this feedback cycle and get my head back to a better place. im tired of feeling freaked out, im tired of feeling ill, im tired of not being able to enjoy eating, im tired of not sleeping well, im tired of feeling that everything is somehow "wrong" and about to get worse, and im tired of not being able to clearly view my situation and feel safe in passing logical judgment or properly gauge the level of importance of the events in my life. this has got to stop.
i've been thinking about trying to get an appointment with my old psychologist. not just to talk things out, but to get some medication again so i can get a taste of what its like to have a good baseline again. last time around, that helped me tell the difference between a "right" and "wrong" state of mind and gave me a specific feeling/goal to work towards, rather than just the unspecific desire of just to not feel bad. but i really would rather not be on meds again if i dont have to. i know that meds are only an aid, and its up to me to actually fix myself. so if its up to me to get the job done, then i should be able to do it on my own. but im having a really hard time finding the path again.
i actually still have xanax left over from back then, but the shelf life is supposed to be a max of 3 years and this stuff is a good 4 years old now. so i dont know if its safe to take it. i dont know if it just looses its effectiveness over time, or if you can get sick by taking old xanax. anyone here know about that?
of course the safest thing to do would just be to go to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist and get a new prescription, but i wouldnt mind trying it out first with what i've got (if its safe), just to get a feel for whether or not i feel i would significantly benefit from some medication right now or not, before go through all that.
i really miss feeling safe, healthy and happy. part of me still feels that way and keeps fighting...but its getting to the point where a good 50% of me is trying to go the other way, and its a pretty harsh battle.
:?