Wish I could disappear

[amy682]

More often then not, I consider just ending living. I want to stay in my bed, sleep all day, not move, not talk, not live. I just want to disappear. Turn my back on this life. I have made sooo many mistakes in my life, and the only thing I've done that's actually worth being proud about is bring my daughter in this world. Though, I'm afraid I'm not mentally stable enough to be a good mom for her. She's seen me more sad than happy, more hateful to myself than be joyous. I always wonder if I should sign my rights over to my parents, have her be raised better and more stable with them, than someone who considers driving themself into a brick wall, overdosing on meds, drinking bleach, or shooting myself. She'd be much MUCH better off. I take meds to prevent these thoughts... LOTS of meds, but the thoughts get stronger and stronger as time goes on. It's been a few weeks of my morbid thoughts, no action, only because of her.. my beautiful little girl. I hope she doesn't end up with my mental problems. I hope she doesn't think of ending her life... I hope she's happy. I just know that with my crap, she's probably not that happy. And maybe it would help her since I cannot control these thoughts, just get deeper. It's hard to keep a brave face to anyone anymore... I'm tired of being me.. and It is my fault. I should be able to change these thoughts and work better at my sanity... but instead the pit gets deeper. And I can't seem to pull out... just apologize for being who I turned out to be to my daughter, my parents... even friends who know I have a really bad problem. I'm pathetic...I know.

[hunn3yy]

I know I can't help much but just know your daughter loves you. One day she will realize that mommy just went through a hard time but that she's a great mom. Just use her as your motivation to be happy. She's probably young so she has that glow of happiness. Use that as motivation that one day you will both be truly happy together.

[lua piquanina]

Amy, anxiety and depression are many times many times chemical imbalances. There's little one can do alone, I believe, other than to acknowledge the problem And seek adequate help (be it meds, books, gym, therapy or even this website). For example, potassium is highly important for the mind - some people who lack potassium may be very strong and motivated but are nonetheless depressed. The body does control the mind sometimes. So do not feel guilty if you feel depressed. Try turning the page and focus not on your daughter, not on what others may think but on you and how to solve the problem. Hedge it a bit so seek help at different levels and make it your Project, your focus, your new tree being planted - you deserve that chance. And remember - we are all on the same boat. Do not feel lonely.

[irishrose2013]

Amy, I have the exact same thoughts as you. I have a 6 year old boy and he's the only reason I am still here. I too, think he is better off without me. However, I would never in a million years wish the pain of losing a parent on him. If he hasn't already got my depression/anxiety gene, he would certainly be left with scars if I left this earth. I'm on week 2 of starting Venaflaxine (Effexor XL). I'm sitting here beating myself up over missing work and not having enough energy to make a proper dinner etc. All I can do is take one day at a time and hope the meds start to make me feel better. Am on a waiting list for counselling. Just know, that there are other mammies out there who feel the same. I feel reassured knowing I'm not the only one. Hope this has helped.

[amy682]

Amy, I have the exact same thoughts as you. I have a 6 year old boy and he's the only reason I am still here. I too, think he is better off without me. However, I would never in a million years wish the pain of losing a parent on him. If he hasn't already got my depression/anxiety gene, he would certainly be left with scars if I left this earth. I'm on week 2 of starting Venaflaxine (Effexor XL). I'm sitting here beating myself up over missing work and not having enough energy to make a proper dinner etc. All I can do is take one day at a time and hope the meds start to make me feel better. Am on a waiting list for counselling. Just know, that there are other mammies out there who feel the same. I feel reassured knowing I'm not the only one. Hope this has helped.

If I were you, I'd tell your doc you do not want to be on Effexor. I take it... it's HIGHLY addictive, and it can make you sick. The side effects are awful. I'm on Effexor and it's made me gain 15 lbs in a matter of months, and I eat like a bird. So find another med... that med is awful. I'm on it and HAVE to get off it! I told my doc I didn't want to be on it in the first place and now I'm on a very HIGH dosage and if I am even a couple hours late on taking the pill, I get killer headaches. If I miss it completely, I go through drug addiction withdrawls and will start throwing up. Just a warning...