First Hospitalization

[Cloudwife]

Last Sunday was the first time I was hospitalized for my anxiety. It had been a long day so I'll try to be as brief as possible. I had recently come out to my family. I have a girlfriend. She's 20 and I'm 18. She's great, doing well in life and only pushes me to do better. Moving on... She's not allowed in my house. I had thought they meant no hanging out at the house. But they apparently meant not at all. My family is extremely homophobic. Not even for religious reason. Just pure ignorance. My girlfriend was coming to give me a ride to work (which my family constantly complains about having to do though work is only 5 min by care from my house). It was cold out so I told her and her cousin that they could wait in my living room for a few minutes while I changed for work. This was literally two minutes. My mothers boyfriend started screaming and throwing a fit. (He's always screaming at me about something, he doesn't like me.) Telling me to move out, etc. After we left my mother pretty much said this is what I get for being gay... Then I went straight to work. I'm a hostess and it's hard on my anxiety because I have to talk to a lot of people and smile the whole time. After work I was planning on going out to avoid home but my plans were canceled. As soon as I got home my mother screams at me for about 20 minutes about how much of a loser I am... After that I sat in my room in the dark and had an anxiety attack. When I have an anxiety attack I tend to see things. Paranoia sets in and I'm basically delusional. I knocked on my mothers door and told her a man was going to make me kill myself. She started to yell at me for crying. I wasn't loud. I wasn't violent. I was just crying. I went and sat on the floor in my room and she started screaming "get up retard!" Then she sent her boyfriend in to manhandle me and throw me on the bed. I've been sexually abused.. My mother knows this and knows I can't handle a man touching me.. He was yelling at me saying that my mom should call the police and get rid of me. After all of this I was in a state of apathy. She took me to the hospital and I spent the night on the bed in the hallway alone (minus my sitter). The only person to come visit me was my girlfriend. Not that I really wanted to see my family. The next day they took me to a psych ward in another city. I told them all that happened that day and they said I could go home. My girlfriend was sick as a dog but still came to see me and stayed with me at the psych ward. After that I didn't come home until late. I didn't want to be home. As soon as I got there they were already talking to me like I bother them. This house isn't horrible but I'm just constantly anxious. I just wanted to share my first experience being hospitalized. I don't plan on going to my family for help anymore. I suppose I'm alone when it comes to this. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

[ChiChi]

I think an encouraging environment is what u need...can u live with yr girlfriend....yr home situation sounds abusive and toxic

[justconfused]

I think an encouraging environment is what u need...can u live with yr girlfriend....yr home situation sounds abusive and toxic

I agree with this. If you could find a way to live with your girlfriend you would notice the anxiety less day by day. Atleast I do when I stay awhile doing things with my girlfriend. The situation at home doesn't sound very encouraging which will only make matters worse, not better. A negative environment is the last thing we need.

[Cloudwife]

I'm moving in with her after June (need to graduate first).

[dedee]

I think an encouraging environment is what u need...can u live with yr girlfriend....yr home situation sounds abusive and toxic

I agree with this too
You need to either work or study if you can't move out to fill ur time outside and be home only to sleep ..
Also don't think much about them and be strong ( you ARE strong) try not to sit in the dark alone EVER again

Tell ur self that the man who wants u to kill urself is just in ur imagination and close ur eyes and have a (deep) dream that when he comes next time u will kill HIM and you are strong enough to defend ur self ( our brain can't see the difference between the real and imagination and by creating that dream you WILL be able to be strong enough ) .. You are NOT gay you know that ,and don't let your mom's word affect you next time she tells you that just laugh very hard and tell her & ur self it's not true and she wasn't care enough for you that you got abused but now YOU will care of your self and that will NEVER ever going to happens again .. getting abused is not a gay issue and your friend loves you , she is a real good person

Read in ur religious book it will give u a lot of positive support ,talk to ur self that you will be better soon and you have a lot of other people who loves u and needs you and soon enough you will have your own family and you will raise them better that this .., also try to volunteer in an orphanage to help people that more needy & miserable than you then u will see the good stuff u have (health- good personality- nice friend -caring girl friend - better future for sure :)) ext...)

Good luck
Get well soon

[ChiChi]

I'm moving in with her after June (need to graduate first).

I think that is a great idea! I would stay away from your mother and her boyfriend as much as possible.... just because you are her daughter does not mean she shld be allowed to treat you in such an abusive Manner ..... try and detach from her he emotionally and mentally as well as physically until you are strong enough 1 day to state your boundaries with her and her boyfriend.

Good job with taking good care of yourself.

[Cloudwife]

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm going to try and spend as much time from "home" as possible.

[trinidiva]

I think that is a great idea! I would stay away from your mother and her boyfriend as much as possible.... just because you are her daughter does not mean she shld be allowed to treat you in such an abusive Manner ..... try and detach from her he emotionally and mentally as well as physically until you are strong enough 1 day to state your boundaries with her and her boyfriend.

Good job with taking good care of yourself.

I agree. I would make it a point only to be home to sleep and change. What your mom and stepdad are doing is mental abuse....no wonder why you are anxious!!! Is there anywhere that you could possibly go in the meantime? Like to rent a room or something? June is still some time away......

[ChiChi]

I agree. I would make it a point only to be home to sleep and change. What your mom and stepdad are doing is mental abuse....no wonder why you are anxious!!! Is there anywhere that you could possibly go in the meantime? Like to rent a room or something? June is still some time away......

I think this is a good point...u t probably r not an adult and hv to live at hmm until after graduation when u might be 18? if u r already already 18 then u cld look into temp living..a friends family....a teacher someone....it cld be good to start protecting yr mental health asap...ask yr therapist

[ChiChi]

I think this is important because yr family is being pArt of the problem and not the solution for u......u nd to prevent their causing any more control or harm to u.