Epilepticsalt
01-12-2013, 04:07 AM
It started over a year ago for me. I got into a pretty intense argument with my girlfriend. Afterwards I went into the bathroom, cried pretty hard for a bit, then suddenly the thought "kill yourself" slipped into my mind out of nowhere. It freaked me out. That on top of the gastroparesis I had been dealing with for about 6 months prior to that had taken its toll on me and I finally snapped. For months after that I had intrusive suicidal (and sometimes homicidal) thoughts every day. After suffering for a while I finally confessed to my mother about it and was sent to a mental hospital the same night. It helped with my suicidal thoughts (as I have them far less now), but it made my anxiety worse. Inside the hospital I had a couple of nervous breakdowns and my anxiety got so bad at points my chest and left arm started aching. I felt like I was going to die. I think the adverse effects of some of the medication they tried putting me on for depression had something to do with it because I haven't had anxiety THAT bad since being in the hospital. Despite this, anxiety dominates my life now. I have to take melatonin + L-theanine pills just to sleep, and every day I'm constantly paranoid and worrying about things. I even get anxiety when I try to go to sleep without feeling very tired. I worry about worrying, I worry about my paranoia, I worry that I'm going crazy or that I have schizophrenia, I worry about hurting others, I worry about whether or not I can trust anybody, I worry about death, and many other things. For example, I love animals, but when I see kittens or puppies I get anxiety because I get weird thoughts about hurting them. I was always a bit self-analytic/self-critical, but ever since my experience at the hospital it has been much more intense. I also have weird doubts and rituals such as checking a door a couple of times to see if it is locked. The self-analysis isn't always a curse because it really helps my therapist (I've been in therapy for a couple of months, I go about once every one-and-a-half weeks), but when it becomes extreme criticism then it destroys me. I've criticized myself criticizing myself before. Due to this I thought I might have OCD, or that I might literally just be going nuts. This anxiety coupled with my illness has pretty much destroyed my happiness. Fear dominates me. I feel very insecure, like my own skin is this tiny, cramped up cage that I want to hide from everyone.