Suicidal depression that is worsening?

[marki_marc]

im 20 years old and im fed up with life since i turn 19 i lost all motivation to live because i had my first girlfriend than and when i tried to be with her i coudnt do it i was never happy a single day of my life and i never had what i want until this moment and i coudnt take advantage of it i thought this would make me happy again and id find the motivation to go to school get a job etc but no life slapped me in the face and told me you cant be happy and its not bcuz it wasint the right person the problem is me i was too scared for something that is not her fault and im tired of being afraid of this and im so paranoid about it i cant even see a psychologist and i tried writing it down for my doctor but he didnt understand the problem and dont tell me to tough it out because you dont know how painful my anxiety is if you do than go to hell right now i live for no reason i just live to suffer i have no job no high school no friends a crazy mother and a hoe of a sister if i dont stop being afraid anytime soon im gonna kill myself il overdose on drugs and this nightmare will end and the worst part of this is everytime i try talking about it i feel like i have a sledgehammer headache a headache so bad i wish i died i frankly dont give a crap if you tell me that people have worse lives than me this will just make me angry further more and worsen the chance of me ending my life my parents are sick of watching me suffer they cant stand it im the only child in this family without a future why not end my life?my parents will stop worrying about me even tho i know they care about me and one day they will be gone and what would i live for? im tired of this i dont have the strenght to fight no more

[ChiChi]

im 20 years old and im fed up with life since i turn 19 i lost all motivation to live because i had my first girlfriend than and when i tried to be with her i coudnt do it i was never happy a single day of my life and i never had what i want until this moment and i coudnt take advantage of it i thought this would make me happy again and id find the motivation to go to school get a job etc but no life slapped me in the face and told me you cant be happy and its not bcuz it wasint the right person the problem is me i was too scared for something that is not her fault and im tired of being afraid of this and im so paranoid about it i cant even see a psychologist and i tried writing it down for my doctor but he didnt understand the problem and dont tell me to tough it out because you dont know how painful my anxiety is if you do than go to hell right now i live for no reason i just live to suffer i have no job no high school no friends a crazy mother and a hoe of a sister if i dont stop being afraid anytime soon im gonna kill myself il overdose on drugs and this nightmare will end and the worst part of this is everytime i try talking about it i feel like i have a sledgehammer headache a headache so bad i wish i died i frankly dont give a crap if you tell me that people have worse lives than me this will just make me angry further more and worsen the chance of me ending my life my parents are sick of watching me suffer they cant stand it im the only child in this family without a future why not end my life?my parents will stop worrying about me even tho i know they care about me and one day they will be gone and what would i live for? im tired of this i dont have the strenght to fight no more
All I know is that I have felt the same as u and it is horrible and never ending... when it goes on long enough that I know if somethinguyen
about my depression doesn't change then I will give up and won't be able to get back up.... I have given up before after my hhusband took my money and lleft me after 25 yrs together ....we met at 17.... he was my whole life and that was my mistake ....anyway it has been such a long and hard road back to try and function that i won't let myself get that low again.... Iam very depressed now...it started again after major stresses 3 weeks ago...somehow i must find it within me to go to mtg part time job that doesn't pay the bills and call my Dr about increasing my antidepressant...i don't know how i will be able to do this but i hope i will... i hold onto the knowledge that god is using me to help others somehow...so i know there is a purpose to my life but that is all i know...i knew how i was helping others until this summer and now i wait to learn my next purpose which i hope will come soon because i feel alone and scared and unsure if i can handle it...that's all i know.