My Alcoholic Husband

[amy682]

I married him knowing that he was an alcoholic and working hard on sobriety. He slipped on Monday and Wednesday. He drank and he said some pretty ugly things to me. I've been surrounded by alcoholics my whole life. I guess it makes me a co-dependent because I tend to go through a million emotions, but never break free from this ridiculousness. Anyway... my husband's been through rehabs, teen challenge and such. He's gone to AA and celebrate recovery, but often slips the idea of staying sober to the back of his mind and ends up plunging off the wagon. It's soooo hard to not get furious. It makes me extremely anxious and paranoid. I end up having extreme anxiety attacks, often followed by awful thoughts of how it's my fault and I'm ultimately not worth staying sober for. Being a christian, I know I'm worthy... just makes me wonder if he thinks I am when he drinks. Today I told him that I wouldn't sleep with him, have a physical relationship with him, or anything until he sought help. Being that we're about the move to another state, it makes it REALLY difficult to plan for him to get into another treatment facility, which he feels won't help anyway. He thinks he just needs to keep sobriety in the forefront of his mind and not to let other things in life get in the way of it. We've been going through a lot of stress in planning our move, so I understand that it's slipped to the back of his mind, but I still find absolutely NO reason for it to be an excuse to drink. Eventually we've talked with sober minds, and I let him know that I didn't want to have children with him unless I got a court document stating that I would get full custody without any court battle at all if we divorced due to his drinking. See... My ex husband was a drunk, an abusive drunk and I have a daughter with him. I have full custody of my daughter, he hasn't seen her since she was 6 months old, she's almost 9 now. I'm scared for my daughter growing up with a struggling alcoholic, when we got married he was staying sober, so I figured that even though there was a possibility, he was active in his sobriety. He agreed to signing a court document and making sure it was legal by doing it through an attorney. I know this whole thing sounds screwed up. It's stressful and I'm seriously feeling like I'm dying inside. I don't want to separate, I love him deeply... I'm just hurting so badly. I hate alcohol, my mom's an alcoholic and recovering drug addict, one of my brothers is a functional alcoholic and my other brother is a recovering alcoholic who doesn't struggle and been sober for over a couple years. How do I make their struggles not effect my whole being? How do I not stress over it? Suffering from depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia... I'm just at my wits end and it's only ONE SLIP UP!!! Am I completely nuts? I certainly feel like it.

[SunnieDebris]

Hey there, Amy, and welcome. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for in a response, so I'll just say what my reaction was when I read your post. In my opinion, you have done everything that can be expected of you for your marriage. You no longer have to put up with his behavior because he is clearly not interested in recovery at the moment. You have another person to consider in this: your daughter. She needs stability and love that she is not going to experience while you hold out for your husband to do the right thing, and putting up with abusive behaviors. It won't be easy but you owe it to her and yourself to live in a safe, caring environment. You are worth it!

[speedball]

i am so sorry. you are strong, remember that, and you can get through anything, and be better for it

[cookie26]

Hi Amy,
It sounds like a difficult situation but one you can get through, and can also have support along the way. Have you ever heard of Al Anon? It is a marvelous support group for people who are family or friends of alcoholics. While your husband definitely needs to get help, it may be surprising to know that we have a lot of recovery we need to do ourselves, but it sounds like since you are here at this forum, you're already reaching out to others! :) If you take care of yourself you'll end up taking better care of those around you, and experience less hurt. I would highly recommend checking out a few Al Anon meetings, as I too am part of this program and have seen much peace and recovery through it. Many people in the program have spouses of alcoholics, and may be able to share little nugets of hope with you as well.

al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html There are some great books through this group program like "Hope for Today", "Courage to Change", "From Survival to Recovery". Please know that you are in my prayers tonight, and know you can obtain peace and don't need to keep going through cycles of alcoholics. Keep seeking peace, take care.

[dazza]

Can I ask... why do you keep going for alcoholics????

Surely you're making a rod for your own back!

[amy682]

First, I do realize to many they would see it as me making a rod for my own back. But do you really decide to not love someone you love just because they have a problem. In that case, should my husband leave me because I'm a manic depressant?
Thank you everyone for your support. I have considered going to Al-anon meetings and will definitely look for a group after we are moved to our new state in Feb. I just keep praying and keep faith that he can stay on track. It's not a daily thing that he drinks, thank goodness! It's been months since his last slip up. The slacking in going to meetings I'm sure that's been a problem, made him lazy. Anyway, thank you for your support and please, if you could, say a prayer for alcoholics and addicts.

[SunnieDebris]

First, I do realize to many they would see it as me making a rod for my own back. But do you really decide to not love someone you love just because they have a problem. In that case, should my husband leave me because I'm a manic depressant?

I guess I don't see them as the same thing. How is you having a mental health problem negatively impacting your daughter or him? I see his behavior as negative to the both of you, and it's hard for me to understand why you would allow her to continue to have this negative person in your life who has no interest in recovery. Not only does your daughter see the negative behaviors, she also sees you putting up with them. I don't think either of those things are particularly healthy.

[dazza]

First, I do realize to many they would see it as me making a rod for my own back. But do you really decide to not love someone you love just because they have a problem. In that case, should my husband leave me because I'm a manic depressant?
Thank you everyone for your support. I have considered going to Al-anon meetings and will definitely look for a group after we are moved to our new state in Feb. I just keep praying and keep faith that he can stay on track. It's not a daily thing that he drinks, thank goodness! It's been months since his last slip up. The slacking in going to meetings I'm sure that's been a problem, made him lazy. Anyway, thank you for your support and please, if you could, say a prayer for alcoholics and addicts.

But this is your SECOND relationship with a stupid drunk! Perhaps the first is excusable... but you done it again! lol. Whyyyyyy? why would you do this to yourself!?
Tut...
And now you're asking for support. It's like crashing a car with bald tyres... & then getting back in the same car & heading for another crash. You gotta question your actions here because frankly, they're a little insane imo.

Me? I would dump all that is bad in my life & start over with a clean slate. Life's hard enough without a prize drunk to look after.

[amy682]

Yes, that's always a GREAT idea. Let's walk away from anything bad that comes across in life and try to start over again. Hmm... my Dad gets on my nerves because he's bipolar... my friend drives me crazy because she suffers from a lot of health issues and is always talking about them... My brother is a habitual liar... my other brother's a mormon and I don't believe in his religion. After wiping the slate clean so many times, then what!? You have nothing. You end up being the one alone, with the "problems" because no one is good enough for you. And then who will you turn to? Not a single person. No one is going to even want to know you since you've turned your back on every person who's come into your life that isn't or wasn't good enough. THAT, my friend, isn't how life works. You don't turn you back on people because they have a down fall. Did your friends or family turn their back on you in your time of need? I am not saying that I am perfect, and you shouldn't try to say you are... there is a reason you're on this forum. I am not saying that I live my life according to how other's see fit, but it is my life... and in life, you need support regardless of your choices, just someone to listen to your mistakes, stresses, and short comings. Everyone's entitled to an opinion as well, but again... if you're on a forum to support people who suffer from depression and anxiety and other mental health issues, you don't go on there making that person feel bad... bully them or judge them because you think they're stupid. You can just keep your crap judgements... because you are NO ONE who should be judging another.

[amy682]

I guess I don't see them as the same thing. How is you having a mental health problem negatively impacting your daughter or him? I see his behavior as negative to the both of you, and it's hard for me to understand why you would allow her to continue to have this negative person in your life who has no interest in recovery. Not only does your daughter see the negative behaviors, she also sees you putting up with them. I don't think either of those things are particularly healthy.

He actually does have interest in recovery, has been going to rehab and meetings. He has been sober for months. Just got busy with the holidays and plans, that he started missing meetings... but he has a great attitude and does works hard... but like many who suffer from addictions... he fell. I know that it's not easy to understand. He recently quit his job because we're moving out of state, so while packing, in his boredom, he gave into his craving. I forgive him for this, he knows I'm upset by it, knows that he screwed up... and I know he'd do anything to make this not happen and not even be a worry... I also know that it's a very real thing that has to be worked on daily. I just get frustrated when the falls happen... Frustrated, and angry. Just needed to get it out there to people who aren't family because I don't want to hear their negativity. Just really needed to get it out there... know it's not anything anyone can fix... but it's nice to read supporting comments.