powa
12-30-2012, 08:33 AM
Thought I would give an update to how I'm getting on :)
So I tried CBT, done 12 sessions over the space of 4 months. My experience is that it's very good but I didn't reveal all to my therapist initially and I might take a second round with a new one.
I have learned alot of "skills" and "tools" from CBT to calm and relax my mind - the major one being exercise and mindfullness.
On reflection, I don't think I explained myself very much to the therapist - I was threading very carefully on what I was thinking and for that she didn't understand me completely. As I said, I held back a little.
From "research", I think I'm going through a strong stage of Depersonalization and or pure ocd and have been since March 2012. Basically I keep ruminating on "philosophical" thoughts - constantly. It's an absolute fucking nuisance. I only recently found out my brother has OCD as my parents kept it under the rug for whatever known reason.
*spike alert*
Daily, my thoughts are:
What is life?
Am I alive?
What happens after death?
Am I controlling my body
Do we actually have freewill
How can I see
Why do we have eyes
Do you see what I see
is your blue the same as my blue
Afraid of eternity
Afraid of life !
How do we know things
How did I become me?
What is me?
Are will all different or are we like the borg
Fear of losing control
Fear of hurting some one I love
etc.
As one can imagine, these thoughts create great anxiety for me - I have been down the rabbit hole and do not like what I see!
I also find myself constantly googling stuff when I'm anxious, for example:
I have just searched google for "Freaked out about being alive" and have read 3-4 answers on Yahoo Answers
The whole point of life feels weird - again, reading several posts from other people
Feel like I'm not in control philosphical - Again, reading similair posts from other users
Afraid of losing concsiousness - AGAIN - reading forums
Now - heres the thing, I do feel "comforted" when I read what others are experiencing but I feel like reassurance I'm looking for is getting harder and harder. Some of the stuff I'm thinking of becoming a complete mind bender. I then become more anxious until I search again. I have found myself reading up on stupid stuff for hours. It's becoming so routine like - fucking nuisance.
However, there have been improvements too in fairness:
I've flown to Florida ( 9 hour flight back and forth ) and stayed there for a week. I was so afraid that I might of freaked out when I was in another country - nothing happened
I have been to several concerts ( 10,000 - 50,000 people ) - did not freak out
I have NEVER freaked out or ended up in hospital
I am not on medication and never have been
I have never blanked out or hurt any one
Still working and running a business full time
So as you can imagine, I appear completely fine on the outside as I battle my demons on the inside.
Your thoughts appreciated.
Powa
So I tried CBT, done 12 sessions over the space of 4 months. My experience is that it's very good but I didn't reveal all to my therapist initially and I might take a second round with a new one.
I have learned alot of "skills" and "tools" from CBT to calm and relax my mind - the major one being exercise and mindfullness.
On reflection, I don't think I explained myself very much to the therapist - I was threading very carefully on what I was thinking and for that she didn't understand me completely. As I said, I held back a little.
From "research", I think I'm going through a strong stage of Depersonalization and or pure ocd and have been since March 2012. Basically I keep ruminating on "philosophical" thoughts - constantly. It's an absolute fucking nuisance. I only recently found out my brother has OCD as my parents kept it under the rug for whatever known reason.
*spike alert*
Daily, my thoughts are:
What is life?
Am I alive?
What happens after death?
Am I controlling my body
Do we actually have freewill
How can I see
Why do we have eyes
Do you see what I see
is your blue the same as my blue
Afraid of eternity
Afraid of life !
How do we know things
How did I become me?
What is me?
Are will all different or are we like the borg
Fear of losing control
Fear of hurting some one I love
etc.
As one can imagine, these thoughts create great anxiety for me - I have been down the rabbit hole and do not like what I see!
I also find myself constantly googling stuff when I'm anxious, for example:
I have just searched google for "Freaked out about being alive" and have read 3-4 answers on Yahoo Answers
The whole point of life feels weird - again, reading several posts from other people
Feel like I'm not in control philosphical - Again, reading similair posts from other users
Afraid of losing concsiousness - AGAIN - reading forums
Now - heres the thing, I do feel "comforted" when I read what others are experiencing but I feel like reassurance I'm looking for is getting harder and harder. Some of the stuff I'm thinking of becoming a complete mind bender. I then become more anxious until I search again. I have found myself reading up on stupid stuff for hours. It's becoming so routine like - fucking nuisance.
However, there have been improvements too in fairness:
I've flown to Florida ( 9 hour flight back and forth ) and stayed there for a week. I was so afraid that I might of freaked out when I was in another country - nothing happened
I have been to several concerts ( 10,000 - 50,000 people ) - did not freak out
I have NEVER freaked out or ended up in hospital
I am not on medication and never have been
I have never blanked out or hurt any one
Still working and running a business full time
So as you can imagine, I appear completely fine on the outside as I battle my demons on the inside.
Your thoughts appreciated.
Powa