Hey Guys
05-10-2007, 11:21 AM
Hey everyone, I thought I'd introduce myself to this forum by telling my story.
For my entire life, I have always been what someone would consider to be an "anxious" person. Even at 5 years old, if I missed the ice-cream man or if I heard him coming around the corner to my street I would panic if I couldn't find my mom. If I had an assignment due in a class, I would be up all night the nights before worrying about finishing it on time. While this was never that big of an issue at this age, I feel that it's gotten out of control since I entered High School.
In 9th grade, I experienced a very humiliating episode in front of an entire class of people I knew. I was nervous before a test, so I go to the bathroom (let's just say...I had to make a #2 reaaaaaaaaal bad). A member of my class was in the bathroom, saw this, and told the entire class about what I was doing. I was met with laughter and disgust by a class of high-schoolers, leaving me feeling embarassed for the rest of the class period. After that day, I got the sudden urge to go to the bathroom in every class, would go to the nurse daily because I had diarreah, and would even call my mom asking her to pick me up! Because of this, my grades suffered, and I turned to smoking pot to ease my anxiety. This is where it gets interesting:
While I stayed away from pot in 10th grade, the anxiety I felt decreased, but was still there. I ended up being a daily pot smoker in 11th grade, and ended up smoking at least 2 grams or so a day by senior year. While my anxiety felt better, I realize now this was only a mask for the problems. I went on to experiment with ecstasy and this January I tried LSD. While my pot smoking fairly increased, I started feeling faint and panicky in some of my classes (I'm in my second semester of my first year in college now). While these feelings were unsettling, I brushed them off. It was not until I got in a huge fight with my mom in mid-february when my anxiety came back. I had never been in such a fight like this before and my mom said to me "You gotta stop smoking all that pot, it's warpin' your mind!" and wouldn't you know....I did LSD the month before. Now my new fear became going crazy!
I ended up apologizing to my mom right after because I felt so guilty, but after a week of worrying that I was "losing my mind," I came clean about my anxiety and my past drug use. While my mom convinced me that I was okay, I still felt the anxiety (I believe this was due to me cutting back smoking pot and experiencing withdrawals). After one last night of heavy pot smoking, my mind was racing and my heart pounding...I knew I needed to quit. Once I quit, withdrawal kicked in, increasing my anxiety, making me feel depressed, depersonalized, fatigued, and a whole bunch of other nasty symptoms. I have been two months clean, and while my anxiety is getting better, I still have that underlying fear of going crazy. I've googled my symptoms constantly, thought I had schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder and a whole bunch of other things. While I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm NOT crazy and I still function normally, this has been the hardest battle with my anxiety so far.
Thank you for whoever took the time to read that fiasco, any comments or feedback is greatly appreciated. Good luck to all who suffer!
For my entire life, I have always been what someone would consider to be an "anxious" person. Even at 5 years old, if I missed the ice-cream man or if I heard him coming around the corner to my street I would panic if I couldn't find my mom. If I had an assignment due in a class, I would be up all night the nights before worrying about finishing it on time. While this was never that big of an issue at this age, I feel that it's gotten out of control since I entered High School.
In 9th grade, I experienced a very humiliating episode in front of an entire class of people I knew. I was nervous before a test, so I go to the bathroom (let's just say...I had to make a #2 reaaaaaaaaal bad). A member of my class was in the bathroom, saw this, and told the entire class about what I was doing. I was met with laughter and disgust by a class of high-schoolers, leaving me feeling embarassed for the rest of the class period. After that day, I got the sudden urge to go to the bathroom in every class, would go to the nurse daily because I had diarreah, and would even call my mom asking her to pick me up! Because of this, my grades suffered, and I turned to smoking pot to ease my anxiety. This is where it gets interesting:
While I stayed away from pot in 10th grade, the anxiety I felt decreased, but was still there. I ended up being a daily pot smoker in 11th grade, and ended up smoking at least 2 grams or so a day by senior year. While my anxiety felt better, I realize now this was only a mask for the problems. I went on to experiment with ecstasy and this January I tried LSD. While my pot smoking fairly increased, I started feeling faint and panicky in some of my classes (I'm in my second semester of my first year in college now). While these feelings were unsettling, I brushed them off. It was not until I got in a huge fight with my mom in mid-february when my anxiety came back. I had never been in such a fight like this before and my mom said to me "You gotta stop smoking all that pot, it's warpin' your mind!" and wouldn't you know....I did LSD the month before. Now my new fear became going crazy!
I ended up apologizing to my mom right after because I felt so guilty, but after a week of worrying that I was "losing my mind," I came clean about my anxiety and my past drug use. While my mom convinced me that I was okay, I still felt the anxiety (I believe this was due to me cutting back smoking pot and experiencing withdrawals). After one last night of heavy pot smoking, my mind was racing and my heart pounding...I knew I needed to quit. Once I quit, withdrawal kicked in, increasing my anxiety, making me feel depressed, depersonalized, fatigued, and a whole bunch of other nasty symptoms. I have been two months clean, and while my anxiety is getting better, I still have that underlying fear of going crazy. I've googled my symptoms constantly, thought I had schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder and a whole bunch of other things. While I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm NOT crazy and I still function normally, this has been the hardest battle with my anxiety so far.
Thank you for whoever took the time to read that fiasco, any comments or feedback is greatly appreciated. Good luck to all who suffer!