2thou
12-26-2012, 07:56 AM
Hi everyone,
I'm just going to lay down a brief back story which may shed some light on the reasons behind my mom's apparent anxiety / depression. I might add that everything I discuss concerning her anxiety is purely self-diagnosed by myself and so could well be wrong. It is however what seems to make the most sense to me. Feel free to mention where you think I may have made a mistake or suggest other reasons/causes.
My mom's father committed suicide when she was 12 y/o. Obviously this was difficult and it consequently left her with underlying security issues around men. As you can imagine she was left feeling rejected and unvalued. Her and my father had me (their first child - now 22y/o) when she was in her mid/late twenties and went on to have another two (my brothers - now 19 y/o and 16 y/o). She dedicated her life to being a full-time mother. She took what she had learned from her own experiences, what she missed out on, and did everything in her power make it so that we had the comfort and security that she had taken away from her.
To put it bluntly my father is an asshole. He has always been a good dad; I can't complain too much. I had a great upbringing, went to good schools etc, which is more than a lot of kids these days; but he never treated my mom right. There was never any physical violence or abuse in that sense, but he went on to have affairs on more than one occasion throughout the marriage. My mother was at first unaware of this but eventually figured out it was happening, but because she seeked refuge in him as a way of claiming back the comfort and security that was lost when her father died, she accepted it. She never had the courage or confidence to stand up for herself, as a consequence of having all of her confidence taken away from her after her father's death.
Having put up with the behaviour of my father for long enough, and since we (her children) have grown old enough to understand, she decided to put a stop to it and file for a divorce. This process proved more complicated than we thought.
My father's business, being in the letting and sale of property, has always been up and down. Luckily, he was doing rather well as we were children, but lately - what with the recession etc - he has struggled. This has made it difficult for him to move out and has meant they have had to remain living in the same house which is awkward as you might imagine, considering they don't get on at all. She has since started working a couple of part-time jobs which she strongly dislikes, this brings in enough money to live, but not to move house. So we're all stuck, together, a broken family under one roof. It's difficult, particularly for my mother and brothers. My dad doesn't even seem to mind, which is frustrating in itself. I suppose I feel a sense of responsibly to take care of my mom, which has definitely added a fair amount of pressure into my life.
My mom feels taken advantage of. She feels trapped and she feels anxious. I believe there are several things that contribute to her feeling like this.
1) The situation at home, being stuck in a house with her ex-husband that has treated her so badly for so long.
2) The fact that her children are getting older and rely less on her as a mother, and her role of 'mother' slowly becoming obsolete.
3) She's lonely. She want's to meet a person who will appreciate her, unlike her children's father.
4) She's in her fifties now, and she feels like time is running out to fulfil herself. I think she is worried about dying alone.
I think the root of these emotions stem back to her father's premature death. Which had a huge impact on her later decisions in her life:
- allowing herself to be emotionally abused by my father because it's all she thought she deserved
- associating herself so strongly with the role of being a mother that when it comes to an end she feels lost and without purpose.
- the need for a secure relationship (although this one is likely more common with a lot of people).
I have tried to talk to her about maybe approaching these issues with a more positive attitude, and taking control of her life by finding the confidence to put them into action. But she doesn't seem to be able to do it. It's like she's become stuck in this way of thinking, almost obsessed by the fact that she's been taken for granted for such a long time. It's like she's her own self-proclaimed victim, in most situations in her life. What I want her to understand is that she can determine her own fate, if only she can see that it's all a matter of your mental attitude towards life in general.
I have since come to realise that it's probably more complicated than that for the anxious mind. My brother suffered a phase of panic attacks not too long ago and he thinks that she won't be able to process the things I tell her because the anxiety clouds your thinking and takes control. I can understand this, so when she's getting stressed out about something, I just allow it to happen until she relaxes again. I still think some action should be taken to deal with the problem when she's not feeling anxious though, but frankly I think she could be in denial that there's anything to deal with it all, since she's become obsessed with the idea that my father is to blame for everything that's wrong in her life. She's had counsellors throughout her life, but from what I can tell nothing has really worked. She's like a switch, sometimes she's fine and she's happy and smiley. But she switches into the complete opposite, and it doesn't take much for that to happen.
Anyway, I just thought some of you on her might be able to relate and maybe give some advice on what the best way to approach the situation is. How does one work on issues like this? Apologies for the long post, I just feel the more information, the better.
Thanks for any help, and I hope you all had a great Christmas!
J
I'm just going to lay down a brief back story which may shed some light on the reasons behind my mom's apparent anxiety / depression. I might add that everything I discuss concerning her anxiety is purely self-diagnosed by myself and so could well be wrong. It is however what seems to make the most sense to me. Feel free to mention where you think I may have made a mistake or suggest other reasons/causes.
My mom's father committed suicide when she was 12 y/o. Obviously this was difficult and it consequently left her with underlying security issues around men. As you can imagine she was left feeling rejected and unvalued. Her and my father had me (their first child - now 22y/o) when she was in her mid/late twenties and went on to have another two (my brothers - now 19 y/o and 16 y/o). She dedicated her life to being a full-time mother. She took what she had learned from her own experiences, what she missed out on, and did everything in her power make it so that we had the comfort and security that she had taken away from her.
To put it bluntly my father is an asshole. He has always been a good dad; I can't complain too much. I had a great upbringing, went to good schools etc, which is more than a lot of kids these days; but he never treated my mom right. There was never any physical violence or abuse in that sense, but he went on to have affairs on more than one occasion throughout the marriage. My mother was at first unaware of this but eventually figured out it was happening, but because she seeked refuge in him as a way of claiming back the comfort and security that was lost when her father died, she accepted it. She never had the courage or confidence to stand up for herself, as a consequence of having all of her confidence taken away from her after her father's death.
Having put up with the behaviour of my father for long enough, and since we (her children) have grown old enough to understand, she decided to put a stop to it and file for a divorce. This process proved more complicated than we thought.
My father's business, being in the letting and sale of property, has always been up and down. Luckily, he was doing rather well as we were children, but lately - what with the recession etc - he has struggled. This has made it difficult for him to move out and has meant they have had to remain living in the same house which is awkward as you might imagine, considering they don't get on at all. She has since started working a couple of part-time jobs which she strongly dislikes, this brings in enough money to live, but not to move house. So we're all stuck, together, a broken family under one roof. It's difficult, particularly for my mother and brothers. My dad doesn't even seem to mind, which is frustrating in itself. I suppose I feel a sense of responsibly to take care of my mom, which has definitely added a fair amount of pressure into my life.
My mom feels taken advantage of. She feels trapped and she feels anxious. I believe there are several things that contribute to her feeling like this.
1) The situation at home, being stuck in a house with her ex-husband that has treated her so badly for so long.
2) The fact that her children are getting older and rely less on her as a mother, and her role of 'mother' slowly becoming obsolete.
3) She's lonely. She want's to meet a person who will appreciate her, unlike her children's father.
4) She's in her fifties now, and she feels like time is running out to fulfil herself. I think she is worried about dying alone.
I think the root of these emotions stem back to her father's premature death. Which had a huge impact on her later decisions in her life:
- allowing herself to be emotionally abused by my father because it's all she thought she deserved
- associating herself so strongly with the role of being a mother that when it comes to an end she feels lost and without purpose.
- the need for a secure relationship (although this one is likely more common with a lot of people).
I have tried to talk to her about maybe approaching these issues with a more positive attitude, and taking control of her life by finding the confidence to put them into action. But she doesn't seem to be able to do it. It's like she's become stuck in this way of thinking, almost obsessed by the fact that she's been taken for granted for such a long time. It's like she's her own self-proclaimed victim, in most situations in her life. What I want her to understand is that she can determine her own fate, if only she can see that it's all a matter of your mental attitude towards life in general.
I have since come to realise that it's probably more complicated than that for the anxious mind. My brother suffered a phase of panic attacks not too long ago and he thinks that she won't be able to process the things I tell her because the anxiety clouds your thinking and takes control. I can understand this, so when she's getting stressed out about something, I just allow it to happen until she relaxes again. I still think some action should be taken to deal with the problem when she's not feeling anxious though, but frankly I think she could be in denial that there's anything to deal with it all, since she's become obsessed with the idea that my father is to blame for everything that's wrong in her life. She's had counsellors throughout her life, but from what I can tell nothing has really worked. She's like a switch, sometimes she's fine and she's happy and smiley. But she switches into the complete opposite, and it doesn't take much for that to happen.
Anyway, I just thought some of you on her might be able to relate and maybe give some advice on what the best way to approach the situation is. How does one work on issues like this? Apologies for the long post, I just feel the more information, the better.
Thanks for any help, and I hope you all had a great Christmas!
J