Simon
05-07-2007, 08:33 PM
I'm posting this not because I think anyone has a magic bullet to help me, but because I absolutely have got to keep in mind that I can never let my guard down when it comes to anxiety/depression. (I suffer from both).
I was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying my coffee yesterday morning, and decided to look at the jobs listings in the classifieds of the newspaper. I saw an ad for a job similar to my own and then realized it is from a company that I work closely with and who have used me to perform this work in the past. Most people would not think it any big deal or would be able to wait to talk to their boss to see if something was going on. Instead, out of the clear blue, the monster rears his ugly head and takes over before I even know what is happening. This is the way it happens 99.9% of the time for me.
Next thing you know, I am swearing and yelling (screaming!) at my wife and son and talking about taking a gun to my head. I had no intention of taking a gun to my head, but "I" was not in control. I slammed doors, and said a lot of hurtful things that I didn't mean.
Took most of the rest of the day to get me calmed down. I had to apologize to my wife (who has had to deal with more of this than she should) and to my son. I'm here to tell you right now that there is no dignity when it comes to panic attacks.
Even though I took sleeping medicine, I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.
I chatted with my boss this morning who had a very good explanation why the other company was hiring someone - what she said made sense and it really wasn't a threat. Proving once again that 99.999% of the things I worry about don't deserve it.
I got lucky and went in today to see my - uh, counselor?, therapist? whatever he is. He used a term I had never thought of before. He said I got "ambushed." What a perfect description. He also said it is not uncommon. Some people get warnings, some don't.
I feel better now, albeit absolutely humiliated, embarassed, and angry at myself. But at least for right now, "I" am in control.
*
Sorry for the long post, but thanks for letting me rant. I'd love to hear how other people who experience this ambushing deal with it. How do you defend against something that can strike out of nowhere?
Thanks. :|
I was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying my coffee yesterday morning, and decided to look at the jobs listings in the classifieds of the newspaper. I saw an ad for a job similar to my own and then realized it is from a company that I work closely with and who have used me to perform this work in the past. Most people would not think it any big deal or would be able to wait to talk to their boss to see if something was going on. Instead, out of the clear blue, the monster rears his ugly head and takes over before I even know what is happening. This is the way it happens 99.9% of the time for me.
Next thing you know, I am swearing and yelling (screaming!) at my wife and son and talking about taking a gun to my head. I had no intention of taking a gun to my head, but "I" was not in control. I slammed doors, and said a lot of hurtful things that I didn't mean.
Took most of the rest of the day to get me calmed down. I had to apologize to my wife (who has had to deal with more of this than she should) and to my son. I'm here to tell you right now that there is no dignity when it comes to panic attacks.
Even though I took sleeping medicine, I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.
I chatted with my boss this morning who had a very good explanation why the other company was hiring someone - what she said made sense and it really wasn't a threat. Proving once again that 99.999% of the things I worry about don't deserve it.
I got lucky and went in today to see my - uh, counselor?, therapist? whatever he is. He used a term I had never thought of before. He said I got "ambushed." What a perfect description. He also said it is not uncommon. Some people get warnings, some don't.
I feel better now, albeit absolutely humiliated, embarassed, and angry at myself. But at least for right now, "I" am in control.
*
Sorry for the long post, but thanks for letting me rant. I'd love to hear how other people who experience this ambushing deal with it. How do you defend against something that can strike out of nowhere?
Thanks. :|