Alittle help

[storm99]

Hello my name is michael, and im a 23 year old male from the UK. I need some reasurrance that i am not going mad, and that it is just anxitey and a little depression.

It all start in September i went for a regular eye test, and got my new glasses. When i first put them on i knew they never felt right, but thought i just needed to adjust. However i started getting really bad headaches, dizzy and blurred vision. So i went back serveral times to spec savers, they kept saying i was ok and so i went to the doctors and all was ok there. Then after 8 weeks, the error was spotted and corrected and new glasses were given. however im sticking with my old ones and im scared to put my new ones on

So i started wondering if i had a brian tumor, was i going to die and became abit weepy, then i started to have sleep problems. I could not get to sleep for ages and it never felt rested when i did sleep, and i will admit i thought if it never went away would i have to kill myself. Then i was feeding the fear reading rubbish on the net, was i schiztophrenic (spelling)or another health problem so i was crying and becoming dazed as if i was in a dream world.
When i was going to bed, i was getting a pounding heart, pins and needles going hot.

So i went to the doctors and he gave me a sleep aid, not sure if it was an antidepressent, and i took 2 and felt rubbish. and went to emergency docs as i could not sleep and was given 4 sleeping tablets. They worked for abit and chilled me out.

Then i lost 10.00 and got really upset thought i was losing my mind and going crazy. however i have always been a forgetful person. :(, then i started having kill thoughts, at first it was what if i pushed my sister in road, what if the pepsi i poured was posion. This scared the hell out of me and made me even more weepy and crying more. So i went to the doctors and he said i had aniexty and possible slight depression, and he referred me to a therapist as i wanted a no pill option. Plus i was still reading the rubbish on the net, so he took my phone from me and gave it to my mum and told me to cut it out and get nytol and get back into a good sleeping pattern. sometimes i feel like people are getting at me, saying its in my head, or if i do something wrong, i know there not though. they are just telling me its a mistake. Ive been shakey at times to.

If i hear a noise i have to constantly ask for reasurrance that im not hearing things or voices and im really scared i have schizophrina (As one of my mams sisters have it, which makes me worse)

Then the thoughts and that subsided for abit ( 2weeks), and then it was the sleep problem. taking me ages to get off and getting up a few times. Then i had a bad night where i was up all night cry and now the kill thoughts have come back, however there not as strong but im not getting upset so now im worried my mind is starting to accept these. Is this just anxiety ?

I think thats everything

[storm99]

I also dread bedtime worry im not going to sleep and so forth :( its like i never feel tired, and my mind wont shut off.

[SunnieDebris]

Welcome, Storm. I'm glad you found us. I'm no doctor, but everything you are describing sounds like anxiety and depression. Good for you for talking with your doctor and getting referred to see a therapist. Those are big steps! I understand about not wanting to take meds, but sometimes they can help a little, like to relax you just enough to get some restful sleep. Not sleeping is going to magnify everything (as you've probably already noticed). I'm sorry that the doctors didn't listen to you in the beginning, as maybe some or all of this could have been avoided. But what you have got going for you is that you're young, you haven't tolerated these symptoms for such a long time that you've developed bad coping skills, and you're taking your recovery seriously. I have high hopes that you can kick this thing!

[storm99]

oh thanks for the speedy reply, im just worrying im feeding it if that makes sence. But deffo not anything really serious you think?. Took me awhile to admit it to the doc, as i thought if i said kill someone (somtimes my mind can go into details :() to him id be locked up

[SunnieDebris]

I think we all have those crazy thoughts, but people with anxiety tend to fixate on them. It's perfectly normal to have strange and even disturbing thoughts. Try not to let them convince you that you are a sociopathic murderer, because you're not. If you were, you would not care what other people think, or even if they might suffer. You're a good, normal, albeit anxious person.

[storm99]

I think we all have those crazy thoughts, but people with anxiety tend to fixate on them. It's perfectly normal to have strange and even disturbing thoughts. Try not to let them convince you that you are a sociopathic murderer, because you're not. If you were, you would not care what other people think, or even if they might suffer. You're a good, normal, albeit anxious person.

Yer i know just worried, incase since they have returned because im emationless toward them. so worried if my mind is acccepting them

[SunnieDebris]

I think it would actually be worse if you had an emotional reaction to every unusual thought you have. Soon, you would not be able to function, because the more you try to NOT think about something, the harder it is. Let the thoughts pass by. They won't hurt you in themselves. It's your anxious reaction that is causing the problem, not the thoughts themselves. You are not a murderer. I have complete faith in that. You are a perfectly normal person.

[storm99]

Thanks for your help

if i mention all this to the therapist i wont get locked up will i

[SunnieDebris]

No. I'm sure they won't lock you up. I'm glad you're going to tell your therapist. That's a big step!

[mellymel]

Storm99- I have the same exact thoughts. Usually about my daughter, sometimes my husband, and other family that I am really close too. They are very disturbing and they scare the crap out of me too. I literally obsess over them all day and all night every minute of the day. I too thought I was a schizophrenic and when I hear something I check with my husband to make sure he heard it too. It's very uncomfortable and time consuming. I always need someone to tell me I am not a psycho or that I want to kill my loved ones. I have had to docs tell me it's anxiety (OCD) and I still don't listen. Anyways, you are not alone...I am right there with you feeling your pain, trust me!

[storm99]

Are you on meds do they help

[aims86]

Storm99- I too know exactly how you feel! I have this awful thought that something bad is gonna happen (like I'm gonna faint or die) I know full well that this is not going to happen but it's my mind consciously focusing on my thoughts! I have medication that I still have not managed to take (scared) my mind keeps telling me that taking them will only make me worse.. You are a completely normal human being. I look at it this way, we are probably way more normal than people that don't suffer with anxiety, I think this because we check everything and have fear, fear is a good thing! Fear makes us aware of our surroundings. Also it makes us stronger as people and teaches you how to manage things accordingly in life! Don't be afraid at all. It's just your mind telling you that it's not well and needs a rest. Hope this helps somewhat :-)