A quick... Ok a potentially lengthy rant/whinge

[laurandisorder]

I'm really struggling lately. Sneaky anxiety is trying to work it's way back into my life. Yes. It is appropriate timing. I'm going through massive life changes after recently (a month ago) splitting from my fiancée and partner of 8.5 years and moving back home with my parents at aged 30 (what a champ!).

I have been spending time with my ex - I really miss him and I miss my dog. When it comes down to it he is still one of my close friends. It's probably not fair on either of us. He is hoping I'll return and deep down I know I can't and thy it will make my anxiety worse - so many of my problems with anxiety are firmly attached to our codependent relationship (I work my butt off in spite of the anxiety, he has no car, job, motivation and sleeps all day and plays black ops all night - aged 32)

I went for my second run in three months last night. I have had stitches in the sole of my foot that I have been waiting to heal. I'm taking it slowly and suddenly after 20 minutes. Massive panic symptoms. I was hyperventilating until I was dizzy and my hands went so numb they want a funny purple colour. It's situational as well. The last time I ran this beach I had one of my worst attacks ever afterwards. I had to call my ex to talk me down because I was too embarrassed to call my parents in case they got worried or angry at me.

Since then I have been on edge. Finding it hard to sleep.

I also discovered that yesterday all of my work friends had a massive lunch without me and I actually cried about this. It feels like being in high school again - (irony being that I work in a high school). I don't know what is worse; if I deliberately wasn't invited for some reason, or if they forgot me all together :( Its harder than usual because I have had to make 'friend' sacrifices after the break up. I have one legitimate outside of friend left and she's amazing. The rest of my friends my ex has 'rights' to - I know they like me and care for me, but he has either known them longer or is related to them.

In addition to this I know I have lost a fuckton of weight which is ringing alarm bells with my psychiatrist and probably my parents too. I don't know how much I weigh, but I would estimate I have lost about 5-6kg in the last 6 weeks. I was underweight to start with, with a BMI of about 18, but as a former anorexic, I know that rocking elbows that are wider than the rest of my arms and a box gap that's wide enough to drive a truck through (slight exaggeration) ain't good for me.

I'm just lost and it sucks. To make it worse, holiday season... I'm on a five week break and I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm 40km from my BFF. My sister is newly engaged (same week as my breakup, oh the irony) and all consumed by wedding planning.

No wonder anxiety is trying to rear it's ugly head again :(

[dazza]

Bad times... no, wait... i mean SHIT times!

You are on the anxiety playing field and there's an anxiety monster stalking you, BEWARE.

If it's of any conselation to you, I'm moving house tomorrow and:

1/ I've damaged the hire van - this is gonna cost a fuck load

2/ My back door lock broke yesterday. Had to pay an arm & a leg for an emergency locksmith to fix it before the new owners move in

3/ I've done my back in lifting stuff. Now walking round like I've crapped maself and I've yet to unload the van into the new house tomorrow.
Gonna be f*cking painful

4/ My heating is now turned off. I'm at home, alone... FREEZING my bollox off (shivvering as I type)

5/ Got a stinking headache (but already packed all medications, including headache pills)

6/ Sleeping on a matress on the floor tonight


Hell to go through over the next few days, but such is life. Downs and ups... and sometimes sideways.

Your priority is your health. Start eating for gawd's sake!

[SunnieDebris]

Wow, you have a lot going on. I'm not surprised that you are anxious. Don't beat yourself up about having to move back in with your folks. Here in the USA, we've had a huge incidence of whole families having to move into the grandparents house, or even living a 1 bedroom apartment. It's a long story why that's happening, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. I myself went back to my parents 2-3 times, so it's really not that unusual. As for your ex, I think you made the right move. He does not sound like he is interested in growing up, and you need an adult partner. If I may give you 1 piece of advice about it--stop calling him for help. When you do that, he gets the message that you need him, and that things are not really over. Reach out to your friends and parents. They can't help you if they don't understand your struggles. Having too much time on your hands to think is toxic. Go for a walk or a run, treat yourself to a bubble bath, talk with friends and family, or volunteer somewhere, but get busy. As for your work friends, maybe they have felt you pulling away. Don't take that sitting down! Make it a point to talk to them, to ask them how they are doing. They will realize that you want to be a part of their lives. And lastly, eat!! Go to a bakery and try something you normally wouldn't allow yourself to eat. Go to lunch with a friend, something to take your mind off what and how much you are eating. Take the leftovers home, and eat those, too. I hope that you start seeing that you are not a failure. I think it will be easier to treat yourself well if you start to like and love yourself again.

[trinidiva]

Sunnie gave perfect advice...I really can't add anything else. I definitely agree with leaving your ex alone. It's always a little scary stepping out on your own, we are all very quick to go back to what is familiar, but in order to grow and move on, you just can't do that.

[aims86]

Good advice from diva!

You need to move on to bigger, better things. I too hold on to what I would class as a safe mechanism! That would be my fiancé
But like he has said and what I now understand is that we as people with anxiety need to find our own way, we need to accept that what we have is just a chemical imbalance, its a pretty testing time I appreciate! Fear has a funny way of creeping in and doing its thing, I too can relate to that.

Hope things get better for you.
Life does like to throw us some obstacles!