I need more security.

[onedayatatime]

Two years ago I ended a 3 year relationship with a guy whom I dated in college. There were so many variables to its ending but the ultimate was that he cheated on me on 2 separate occasions.. that I know of. His ex-girlfriend stalked me on myspace and facebook and posted things saying i was anorexic and too skinny. My mom is 5'6 and 120. My sister is 5'8 and 115 and I am 5'8 and 110. My dad is 5'10" and 160/170.

Ever since then, I felt low self-worth and became very insecure. I went to counseling and tried dating months after but it failed miserably.

7 months ago I met a wonderful man. He's patient, kind, and everything I've set my standards to. The only issue is that he dated a girl 4 years ago. They dated for 8 months and they work together. All my brain keeps saying is.. run. Run and don't get hurt.

The thing is, I'm not threatened by her. I'm threatened at the possibility of cheating. He's a stand up guy. He's given me everything I've wanted. He's taken me everywhere I've wanted to go. But our arguments are horrible because of my insecurity. I should trust him, but the last time I trusted someone, I got burned at the stake. Its been 2 years and my ex has never crossed my mind. I love this man, but I don't want to lose him.

Someone please help with suggestions. I've tried a mantra, meditation, and self-talk. I'm not throwing this relationship away because of what some bullshit asshat did to me.

Lots of love to everyone,

Marni.

[funkstarsista]

That's a tough one. Obviously it was 4 years ago he was involved with this girl and it didn't last long, if he still wanted her he had 4 years to do something about it. I also think it's unfair to judge him and mistrust him because of something another man did. If I was your boyfriend I would feel offended that you didn't trust me. I think you are already throwing the relationship away (sorry), you are sabotaging the relationship. I know it's really hard to be open and vulnerable especially when you have been hurt in the past. I think you need to act like you are not bothered, even if you are. It's not up to him to fix your insecurities, he can't anyway, only you can. Keep getting professional help (counselling) and vent your insecurities there. Enjoy your relationship!

[dazza]

As tough as this sounds... relationships aren't about relying on/clinging to/needing someone to make yourself happy.

You should be happy with yourself before involving others in your life.

Give the guy a break.

No offense.

[raggamuffin]

It's tough to trust again, but you have to realize that your ex who cheated on you was one man. There's over 3 billion men in the world and nobody is identical in personality. Your new boyfriend sounds like a mature and level headed person. Whilst it might not be ideal for you, with him working with his ex, just remember that she is an ex for a reason...they weren't compatible. Imagine if it was him in your position? You working in the same place as your ex. But you're in love with your current boyfriend. He might feel a little bit awkward about it, but the trust would still be there.

My first girlfriend cheated on me, so it set a bit of a prescedent. But over time you learn to drop such misconceptions about people you date afterwards. If the worries persist, just talk to him about it. I'm sure he can provide yo uall the reassurance you need. From then on, try and put it to bed. If the worries flare up, as with anxiety, distract yourself. It should help.

Ed

[mw0929]

I was cheated on before and it did affect a couple of my relationships but I eventually learned that not every man you encounter is going to cheat. Everyone has the potential to cheat. It's whether or not they act that sets them apart from the scum. If he truly cares, he will be faithful. If he does want to cheat, he's going to do it whether you worry about it or not. Sounds like you have a good man. Try not to push him away with these thoughts. Try to focus on the good things in your relationship.