kasiejuhnay
12-10-2012, 11:58 PM
Ok...maybe if I just type all this and put it out there it might help. I have suffered with anxiety since I was 15. I will never forget my first panic attack. I kept it pretty much under control until I was 20 and my first love left me. I was feeling the exact same way that I find myself feeling now. I ended up in the hospital for a week and was diagnosed with a panic disorder. Over the next few years I took Lexapro, and began to feel like myself again. I started taking smaller doses and finally got to a point where my doctor told me I wasn't taking enough to make much of a difference anyway so I stopped it. Around this time my grandpa passed away. This through my mom into a deep depression centered around anxiety and panic attacks. My mom saw several doctors several times a month and had several surgeries over the next couple of years because she insisted "something was wrong with her". Last year...8 days after my 26th birthday...my mom was found dead by a deadly combination of antidepressants, and pain killers. That was November 2011. I spent the next year in a daze, only able to eat half of what I used to...I dropped 50 lbs and lost a lot of my friends. I was living with my grandpa at the time...I'm the only child and only grandchild...so I knew my grandpa and I needed each other during this time. A few months after my moms passing, my grandpa found himself a girlfriend who was in her 30s...maybe 40s...he was 80. She was a drug addict, and stole lots of things from me. My grandpa and I got in a huge fight about it, and he disowned me and my uncle...his only two living relatives. I moved out...into my own apartment. About a month later my grandpa got sick...his health continued to decline and he ended up passing away in October. Two weeks before he died he apologized to me and told me how much he loved me. I got extreme anxiety at his funeral and had to walk out. I don't remember the service or what he looked like. Over the next few weeks, I was cool, calm and collected because my uncle was here a lot and we were dealing with the estate. When the will was read I cried because I felt like that was the end of my family. We had an estate auction and sold all of my moms, grandpas, and grandmas belongings that we didnt want and didnt have room for. The house(my home...the safest place I ever knew) sits empty and for sale. I cry so easily and have just started this the past two weeks or so. On the one year anniversary of my moms death...I decided to sit at home all day and feel sorry for myself and pretty much forget anything or anyone else existed. That morning I got a phone call from my now new employer asking for me to come in for an interview. I couldn't help but think it was a gift from my mom...this job is actually my dream job. What I have wanted to do for a long time. My yoga instructor said she thinks it was a sign that it's time to move on. I have been to a counselor but that just seemed to make the anxiety worse. I use incense, essential oils, yoga, meditation...none of it is working for me. I do not want to take the medicine because of what happened to my mom. When I'm anxious my uncle is wonderful at talking me down...but I can't continue to call and wake him up at 2:00 am. My daddy doesn't understand...only one person did and she isn't here anymore. I didn't celebrate Christmas last year and really don't feel like it this year. I absolutely hate change and I feel like nothing is the same as it was a year ago which makes me freak out more. So there you have it...how do I calm down and live a normal life again?