Ashafras
12-07-2012, 08:56 AM
Hi,
I've had anxiety most of my life. When I was a child- it was separation anxiety from my mother because she worked full time. Once I became a teenager, I started having anxiety about my health. My mother died from a degenerative disease when I was 22 and my anxiety went through the roof. I started obsessing about my health, how I KNEW I'm going to get a terrible disease and die young. I became obsessed with death. I got depressed and couldn't enjoy things anymore because my thought was, 'Moments go by so fast and all I have are hazy memories. Then we're all gonna die.'
Regardless of these thoughts, I still felt sane- just sad and nervous a lot. Well, that all changed recently.
About two weeks ago, I had a panic attrack on the train. I live in NYC and work in Hoboken NJ, and after the hurricane we had, a lot of subway trains were out of use, so my commute became extremely long and hellish. Well, I was just getting over a bout of gastroenteritis, which cause me panic enough, and my stomach was upset. I REALLY had a bathroom emergency. I freaked. And I was on an express train, so there is a big gap of time where it does not stop anywhere. I thought I was gonna have an accident on the train and I was panicking like crazy.
Luckily, I finally got off at a stop and found a restaurant bathroom. I thought I'd feel better afterwards, but the whole way home, I was still soooo nervous. It lingered. And when I got home, derealism hit me BIG TIME. I've felt it before in my life, but it never scared me. THIS freaked me out because it was so strong. I felt like I was in a dream, nothing was real. It is similar to being high on weed (which I foolishly tried once years and I had a massive attack.) I am not on any drugs or medication, and I rarely drink alcohol.
The anxiety lasted all day the next day. I had the worst panic attack at the bus station where I had tickets to see my family in Boston for Thanksgiving. It was so bad, I gave into the fear and turned around and went home. I've never had it control me like that before. I think I was afraid of the fear, which I know is a common symptom.
The past couple of weeks, I've been feeling derealism and I hate it. People say it's normal, but when I'm in it, it feels like I'm going absolutely insane. I BELIEVE I'm dreaming. I have crazy thoughts- like I've died and am in purgatory (I think I've watched too many psychological thrillers in my times). Lately, when I'm especially nervous, I get paranoid, which puts sheer terror in me. I have thoughts that people I love WANT me to feel this way. Like it's a great, big nightmare and everyone is against me and enjoying this. I even thought, back when I had a stomach bug, that my boyfriend, who I have been with for years and love immensely, was trying to poison me! I told him this and he thought it was funny and told me it was just my anxiety getting the best of me. The fact that I'm having these thoughts terrifies me more than the thought itself. They are brand new too. I've never been paranoid before. Am I slowly becoming schizophrenic? Is anything I'm experiencing real? Am I sitting in a padded room somewhere, rocking back and forth, imagining all of this?
My problem is that I've ALWAYS had an over-active imagination. I am very logical, but I am also very emotional and they are constantly battling each other. I tell myself, 'Nothing bad is happening. I am still here, no one has tried to hurt me. Things that happen make sense and life is going on.' But then that other voice pipes up, 'But what if none of it's real!??!' And the cycle begins again. It is consuming me. My thoughts are feeding my fears.
My boyfriend said something rational. He said that even if all this WAS just a dream, why not enjoy it? It's MY reality, so just live it and enjoy it. Like in the Matrix- take the blue pill. And normally I would agree, but I keep panicking about it because of the derealism. I hate it so much. When I read that thoughts of going crazy, irrational fears and derealism are all common and harmless- just uncomfortable- it helps me relax for a moment. But then I think, 'What if I am just IMAGINING that I'm reading these things??' It's a vicious cycle.
I have finally started seeing a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. I told her that I'm most concerned about my paranoia, since that doesn't seem to be a common symptom of anxiety but more of pyschosis. But we didn't get to go too much into yet. I need to really talk about that, because currently that is the source of all my fear- that I am pyschotic or schizophrenic. I don't want to take any drugs because they are addictive and have some crazy side effects. I want to beat this. I want life to feel real again. I want to know that I am not insane, and that if someone tells me I am not insane, I am not just imagining they are saying that, or lying to me because they want to harm me! These thoughts are NOT normal.
I've had anxiety most of my life. When I was a child- it was separation anxiety from my mother because she worked full time. Once I became a teenager, I started having anxiety about my health. My mother died from a degenerative disease when I was 22 and my anxiety went through the roof. I started obsessing about my health, how I KNEW I'm going to get a terrible disease and die young. I became obsessed with death. I got depressed and couldn't enjoy things anymore because my thought was, 'Moments go by so fast and all I have are hazy memories. Then we're all gonna die.'
Regardless of these thoughts, I still felt sane- just sad and nervous a lot. Well, that all changed recently.
About two weeks ago, I had a panic attrack on the train. I live in NYC and work in Hoboken NJ, and after the hurricane we had, a lot of subway trains were out of use, so my commute became extremely long and hellish. Well, I was just getting over a bout of gastroenteritis, which cause me panic enough, and my stomach was upset. I REALLY had a bathroom emergency. I freaked. And I was on an express train, so there is a big gap of time where it does not stop anywhere. I thought I was gonna have an accident on the train and I was panicking like crazy.
Luckily, I finally got off at a stop and found a restaurant bathroom. I thought I'd feel better afterwards, but the whole way home, I was still soooo nervous. It lingered. And when I got home, derealism hit me BIG TIME. I've felt it before in my life, but it never scared me. THIS freaked me out because it was so strong. I felt like I was in a dream, nothing was real. It is similar to being high on weed (which I foolishly tried once years and I had a massive attack.) I am not on any drugs or medication, and I rarely drink alcohol.
The anxiety lasted all day the next day. I had the worst panic attack at the bus station where I had tickets to see my family in Boston for Thanksgiving. It was so bad, I gave into the fear and turned around and went home. I've never had it control me like that before. I think I was afraid of the fear, which I know is a common symptom.
The past couple of weeks, I've been feeling derealism and I hate it. People say it's normal, but when I'm in it, it feels like I'm going absolutely insane. I BELIEVE I'm dreaming. I have crazy thoughts- like I've died and am in purgatory (I think I've watched too many psychological thrillers in my times). Lately, when I'm especially nervous, I get paranoid, which puts sheer terror in me. I have thoughts that people I love WANT me to feel this way. Like it's a great, big nightmare and everyone is against me and enjoying this. I even thought, back when I had a stomach bug, that my boyfriend, who I have been with for years and love immensely, was trying to poison me! I told him this and he thought it was funny and told me it was just my anxiety getting the best of me. The fact that I'm having these thoughts terrifies me more than the thought itself. They are brand new too. I've never been paranoid before. Am I slowly becoming schizophrenic? Is anything I'm experiencing real? Am I sitting in a padded room somewhere, rocking back and forth, imagining all of this?
My problem is that I've ALWAYS had an over-active imagination. I am very logical, but I am also very emotional and they are constantly battling each other. I tell myself, 'Nothing bad is happening. I am still here, no one has tried to hurt me. Things that happen make sense and life is going on.' But then that other voice pipes up, 'But what if none of it's real!??!' And the cycle begins again. It is consuming me. My thoughts are feeding my fears.
My boyfriend said something rational. He said that even if all this WAS just a dream, why not enjoy it? It's MY reality, so just live it and enjoy it. Like in the Matrix- take the blue pill. And normally I would agree, but I keep panicking about it because of the derealism. I hate it so much. When I read that thoughts of going crazy, irrational fears and derealism are all common and harmless- just uncomfortable- it helps me relax for a moment. But then I think, 'What if I am just IMAGINING that I'm reading these things??' It's a vicious cycle.
I have finally started seeing a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. I told her that I'm most concerned about my paranoia, since that doesn't seem to be a common symptom of anxiety but more of pyschosis. But we didn't get to go too much into yet. I need to really talk about that, because currently that is the source of all my fear- that I am pyschotic or schizophrenic. I don't want to take any drugs because they are addictive and have some crazy side effects. I want to beat this. I want life to feel real again. I want to know that I am not insane, and that if someone tells me I am not insane, I am not just imagining they are saying that, or lying to me because they want to harm me! These thoughts are NOT normal.