ysl
11-24-2012, 07:21 AM
Hi there,
Kind of new to doing this - thought I would give it a go as I have no-one to talk to and a lot of live online support are always busy.
I'm a 22 year old graduate. I have been seeing a psychologist for over a year now regarding my depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.
I don't have many friends but I do have a couple close friends, one which I have known all my life. But we don't really talk about anything serious like this. Only because I'm the one that always fcks around and can never be taken seriously and I'm very careful of what other people think of me.
My doctor believes I have had anxiety for most my life throughout my childhood as my parents did not expression much love or attention as they needed to. I thought I was fine until I broke up with my ex and started to feel some chest pains. I thought there had to be something wrong with my heart.
My GP told me it was anxiety and gave me a few pamphlets on it and I continued to see her on a weekly basis to see how I was going. I got progressively worse within 3-4 weeks, having urges to hurt myself, crazy thoughts in my head, images of me chucking a psycho for example, I'd be so scared I'd lose control at the doctor's waiting room as I can just imagine what I would do... Or even at night I'd imagine myself bashing my head against the walls so hard they would break.
My GP felt she could not help me in the way that I needed and so referred me to my psychologist.
Throughout the past year and a bit, I have not felt completely happy.
I feel empty everyday and there is not a day that goes by without me planning my death.
I definitely do NOT tell anyone this because its lame. I have these negative thoughts telling me how lame my problems are and that they are not worth other people's time... Well at least you guys don't know who I am so I have the balls to write all this.
I do not have a close relationship with my family as I come from a traditional Asian background where emotions are not very important. I sometimes slip in comments to my mum saying "I wish I were dead" or "I'm going to die early anyway" but she would get very angry at me saying that I am ungrateful and immature. Which is so true...
A lot of people would want what I had... I graduated from an elite school, finished my degree this year, have had a stable job in my field for nearly a year now, and recently got accepted into a Master of law, I live in a waterfront habour view apartment in the city centre, I have people that care for me... Why am I so unhappy?
I once asked my best friend - if you had the choice to live the best life someone could ever live, or just die now which one would you chose? She obviously chose to live.
I explained to her that my answer was different. I believe that no matter how "great" your life is, not living at all will always be better.
Her face kind of dropped after hearing that and asked "what about the people that care about you?"
and my response was that my desire to die is so strong and desperate right now, I'm too selfish to think about others. I felt bad I had to say that to her face...
Anyway, I have been referred to a psychiatrist and have tried different medication for my anxiety/depression but I've been naughty.
Part of me wants to feel normal again
Part of me wants to just keep on with this and hopefully end it off.
I'm quite impatient with medication as it takes a while for me to feel results... However, I need my quick fixes so I will turn to drugs as my "medication".
It's definitely hard to sleep with anxiety on your back every night. I would finally fall asleep then wake up at 2am with crazy chest pains and racing heart.
My psychologist asks me when my last panic attack was
And I told her I didn't know... She seems very shocked and showed me symptoms with pictures and whatnot... I told her that I have these symptoms most of the time but I did not know it was a panic attack. She had told me that I've had so many in the past that now I don't know how to decipher what is normal or not. I have grown a strong relationship with her and she often tells me that some things I tell her breaks her heart... It always confuses me as I thought THIS was normal. I thought I was just living life as I should. I mean I knew I was a little weird (I'm small, pale - allergic to the sun, quiet, very weird sense of humour; my friends would say that my head is not where reality is) but I only recently had a thought in my head that I was fcked up...What do you guys think? I refuse to see the psychiatrist as I feel that seeing too many people about this makes me feel VERY uncomfortable. It took me a month to see the psychologist as I was 'not ready' and took me 6 months to call up the hospital for an appointment. I just felt that i did NOT need that extra help and that i can continue living life like this.
I guess all I need from this support forum is for you guys to keep reminding me that I am sick and I do need all the help I can get... Even right now, I'm thinking - God, there's so many people with much bigger problems such as schitzo and stuff like that, my problems are petty! Please support me.
Kind of new to doing this - thought I would give it a go as I have no-one to talk to and a lot of live online support are always busy.
I'm a 22 year old graduate. I have been seeing a psychologist for over a year now regarding my depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.
I don't have many friends but I do have a couple close friends, one which I have known all my life. But we don't really talk about anything serious like this. Only because I'm the one that always fcks around and can never be taken seriously and I'm very careful of what other people think of me.
My doctor believes I have had anxiety for most my life throughout my childhood as my parents did not expression much love or attention as they needed to. I thought I was fine until I broke up with my ex and started to feel some chest pains. I thought there had to be something wrong with my heart.
My GP told me it was anxiety and gave me a few pamphlets on it and I continued to see her on a weekly basis to see how I was going. I got progressively worse within 3-4 weeks, having urges to hurt myself, crazy thoughts in my head, images of me chucking a psycho for example, I'd be so scared I'd lose control at the doctor's waiting room as I can just imagine what I would do... Or even at night I'd imagine myself bashing my head against the walls so hard they would break.
My GP felt she could not help me in the way that I needed and so referred me to my psychologist.
Throughout the past year and a bit, I have not felt completely happy.
I feel empty everyday and there is not a day that goes by without me planning my death.
I definitely do NOT tell anyone this because its lame. I have these negative thoughts telling me how lame my problems are and that they are not worth other people's time... Well at least you guys don't know who I am so I have the balls to write all this.
I do not have a close relationship with my family as I come from a traditional Asian background where emotions are not very important. I sometimes slip in comments to my mum saying "I wish I were dead" or "I'm going to die early anyway" but she would get very angry at me saying that I am ungrateful and immature. Which is so true...
A lot of people would want what I had... I graduated from an elite school, finished my degree this year, have had a stable job in my field for nearly a year now, and recently got accepted into a Master of law, I live in a waterfront habour view apartment in the city centre, I have people that care for me... Why am I so unhappy?
I once asked my best friend - if you had the choice to live the best life someone could ever live, or just die now which one would you chose? She obviously chose to live.
I explained to her that my answer was different. I believe that no matter how "great" your life is, not living at all will always be better.
Her face kind of dropped after hearing that and asked "what about the people that care about you?"
and my response was that my desire to die is so strong and desperate right now, I'm too selfish to think about others. I felt bad I had to say that to her face...
Anyway, I have been referred to a psychiatrist and have tried different medication for my anxiety/depression but I've been naughty.
Part of me wants to feel normal again
Part of me wants to just keep on with this and hopefully end it off.
I'm quite impatient with medication as it takes a while for me to feel results... However, I need my quick fixes so I will turn to drugs as my "medication".
It's definitely hard to sleep with anxiety on your back every night. I would finally fall asleep then wake up at 2am with crazy chest pains and racing heart.
My psychologist asks me when my last panic attack was
And I told her I didn't know... She seems very shocked and showed me symptoms with pictures and whatnot... I told her that I have these symptoms most of the time but I did not know it was a panic attack. She had told me that I've had so many in the past that now I don't know how to decipher what is normal or not. I have grown a strong relationship with her and she often tells me that some things I tell her breaks her heart... It always confuses me as I thought THIS was normal. I thought I was just living life as I should. I mean I knew I was a little weird (I'm small, pale - allergic to the sun, quiet, very weird sense of humour; my friends would say that my head is not where reality is) but I only recently had a thought in my head that I was fcked up...What do you guys think? I refuse to see the psychiatrist as I feel that seeing too many people about this makes me feel VERY uncomfortable. It took me a month to see the psychologist as I was 'not ready' and took me 6 months to call up the hospital for an appointment. I just felt that i did NOT need that extra help and that i can continue living life like this.
I guess all I need from this support forum is for you guys to keep reminding me that I am sick and I do need all the help I can get... Even right now, I'm thinking - God, there's so many people with much bigger problems such as schitzo and stuff like that, my problems are petty! Please support me.