Fighting and unsure what to do

[Miles]

I'm new here and this is my first post. I have tried most everything but therapy to fight my depression and I'm now at a crossroads in my life where I didn't except to be. I'm unsure if my decision making is fogged from the anxiety or if thinking clearly. I've been taking Zoloft 100mg daily since August and it truly has helped. My life has changed so much in the past year that it's really the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning, that coffee and cigs of which I don't like but calms me and it's my only "bad thing " I do in life. Sigh .., no one would actually know I'm very depressed because I always put on my smiling face and am overly nice to hide it. I do enjoy being nice to people . Anyway, here's the problem. I recently became married to a man that has a 3 year old child that I've known since the child was in the womb. He is difficult to b in a relationship with since he didn't really know affection as a child and his been in the military since he was 18. He has low testosterone which severely affects how I feel about myself seeing as how he never wants to have sex with me ever no matter how skinny I am, how sexy I try to b etc... He has recently lost his job due to cuts and my salary alone can't keep up the lifestyle we've became accustom to. He has also had a vasectomy when he found out his baby mama was preg with his son. I have endometriosis. I have known of it since I've been 16 and have had surgery to help. I desperately want a child. I am in a place in my life where I am very ready. I have a good career and am financially stable..... Until he lost his job now things are going in a downward spiral . I married him knowing I'd accept his child and that he had a vasectomy. He promised me he'd get it reversed and it was about to happen before he lost his job .... It's 5,500 to have a reversal. No ins pays for it . So needless to say my life is really really bad right now. His son stays with us for 2 weeks and with his mom for 2. I hate to say this but the more I'm around him and his child the more I feel like and outsider and kind of resent that he has a child and not me because I really want one and would b an amazing mother and he got to have one out of a drunken stupor. I know god knows y but I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel..... What am I supposed to do ? I have nothing to look forward to .. No sex to look forward to, barely any affection, no trips to go on not even to the movies, and mostly no child to give my world to and love forever , to teach and make into a string amazing person..... I'm on the edge... I do not know what to do to change my situation... My chest is burning right now and I'm on the verge of tears.

[star1234]

You need to be patient. It sounds like now is not a good time for you to have a child. Help him find a new job so that maybe things can at least get a little better. I understand how you feel. I once was very young and raised my step-son. I had all the same feelings you had too. Having your own kid will fullfill some of your emptiness but will never fix any problem you have with your husband.

[Azul]

I'm new here and this is my first post. I have tried most everything but therapy to fight my depression and I'm now at a crossroads in my life where I didn't except to be. I'm unsure if my decision making is fogged from the anxiety or if thinking clearly. I've been taking Zoloft 100mg daily since August and it truly has helped. My life has changed so much in the past year that it's really the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning, that coffee and cigs of which I don't like but calms me and it's my only "bad thing " I do in life. Sigh .., no one would actually know I'm very depressed because I always put on my smiling face and am overly nice to hide it. I do enjoy being nice to people . Anyway, here's the problem. I recently became married to a man that has a 3 year old child that I've known since the child was in the womb. He is difficult to b in a relationship with since he didn't really know affection as a child and his been in the military since he was 18. He has low testosterone which severely affects how I feel about myself seeing as how he never wants to have sex with me ever no matter how skinny I am, how sexy I try to b etc... He has recently lost his job due to cuts and my salary alone can't keep up the lifestyle we've became accustom to. He has also had a vasectomy when he found out his baby mama was preg with his son. I have endometriosis. I have known of it since I've been 16 and have had surgery to help. I desperately want a child. I am in a place in my life where I am very ready. I have a good career and am financially stable..... Until he lost his job now things are going in a downward spiral . I married him knowing I'd accept his child and that he had a vasectomy. He promised me he'd get it reversed and it was about to happen before he lost his job .... It's 5,500 to have a reversal. No ins pays for it . So needless to say my life is really really bad right now. His son stays with us for 2 weeks and with his mom for 2. I hate to say this but the more I'm around him and his child the more I feel like and outsider and kind of resent that he has a child and not me because I really want one and would b an amazing mother and he got to have one out of a drunken stupor. I know god knows y but I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel..... What am I supposed to do ? I have nothing to look forward to .. No sex to look forward to, barely any affection, no trips to go on not even to the movies, and mostly no child to give my world to and love forever , to teach and make into a string amazing person..... I'm on the edge... I do not know what to do to change my situation... My chest is burning right now and I'm on the verge of tears.

Hi Miles
I just read your email. It is almost 5am I am awake from 3am and went to bed at 1am. I am going to be 50 years old next month. My partner recently left me to go to new zealand. I am really sad. When I read your message I wanted to scream to you please get out of your marriage as soon as possible. I like you wanted to have children married a man who in the beginning say he would have children later I knew he couldn't. I let it pass trying to convinced myself that things will get better or that I could live my life motherless, of course like you my marriage soon became sexless and like you there were other things that were not quite right. Of course I became depressed and like you my GP put me in antidepressants so I could function, I could cope, I could survive. But life does not wait, by the time is what critical for me to have children I was drugged and I was not quite there. Yes I am reaching my 50s with another disappointment in my life. But i met my partner after i separate from my husband, but separating from my husband even it took that long it was the best decision i took in my life. even now, sad and hurt i never ever would regret to have ended my marriage cause now I know how to live fearlessly and with more love and respect for my feelings. Of course this decisions are personal but I wish you the best, always remember not to be afraid, and love yourself unconditionally before everybody else. I tell you a secret: we are not in this life to suffer, to sacrifice ourselves to others we are here to make the most of being alive. Good luck to you.

[Miles]

Azul, I just read ur post. I almost cried . It's amazing how reaching out can help. I would hve never imagined someone that had the same experience to post back to me. U r right . I am very afraid. Afraid of change and afraid of the unknown and afraid of the pain and drama I will have to face to get out of this. This will b my second divorce.... The first guy I married was amazing and we had a wonderful marriage but he cheated on me... I haven't been the same since then I meet my husband now and 3 years later we r married. We married this July. How can things go down hill so fast?! I do not want to give up but his killing my spirit. I don't even know where to start... Do I give this marriage a cut off date ? And If things dont get better by then I leave ??? Ugh I feel like a failure and idiot.... I just want to feel alive , happy , loved, adored and have hope again..... Thank you Azul for posting back. And I hope things start looking up for u. U seem like a wise loving person.

[star1234]

I have to agree with Miles 110%! I just didn't want to say it because I've been unhappily married for 24 years and I strongly recommend that you get out while its still early. I love my husband very very much but we are two different people which makes us both miserable. We are going tonight for the first time for therapy but honestly I don't think anything good is coming out of it but since I suffer from anxiety, I do want to treat that first. You could find happiness out there I've just been to scared. Can't live with him and can't live without him. So I give a lot of credit to those that have been able to acknowledge that it's time to let go and move on. Like she said we are not on this earth forever.

[Azul]

Hi Miles,

I am glad my post helped you a bit. Please not even think about if this your first, second, or third divorce. For what you say probably your first marriage has lots to do in your choice to marry your current husband. Cheating is a terrible and traumatic experience. It does not look like that because it happens so often. Trust comes from the heart and when somebody betrayed us they properly break our heart. So after that as you well said we just don't feel the same and our future decisions could be influenced by this. However, If you don't mind me to say i think you are facing two different issues. One is your relationship with your husband and the other one is your desire to be a mum and you make things they are tied up together but they are not. If you really want to be a mum go for it. If you speak with your GP they can send you to a fertility clinic within the NHS, and there is the choice of a sperm donor. I know this first hand but it was too late for me. Of course is the financial side and the commitment because a child is forever and for a while you have to put his/her needs first but they are wonderful single mums out there with perfectly happy normal children. My two best friends are single mums. One by choice the other because she had to but their children are the best in their schools. I think is all depends on the mum strength. You need to seat down and plan the financial side a bit. Regarding your husband is his behaviour due to the financial constraints? maybe when he gets a job, any job he would feel better. However nobody could criticise you for feeling the way you feel at the moment. If I would be you I couldn't possible cope with a men without working I will resent every day having to go to work to support not just him but also his child when you can use that money to support you alone and your future child. But you can do something about it, forget about the embarrassment, you didn't married thinking in failing but this kind of things happens. All the best to you, I feel you are in your way to you see the light at the end of the tunnel.