Taylor
11-19-2012, 08:22 PM
Hi all,
It's been a while since I posted here...a month ago I did but before that I had some. But it's been a while because I've been "anxiety free" more or less for over a year...at least over a year since I've had to take any meds.
I've thought I was doing great, but I realized I have a hidden sort of anxiety/obsession/hypochondria.
See, I was diagnosed with leukemia in Jan 2011. I have to take medicine for the rest of my life. I am responding perfectly, but one of the warnings for the medicine is that it can cause a sudden death due to irregular heartbeat. It is detectable by standard EKG, of which I have been cleared and no problems.
Yet I developed anxiety based mainly on that, with the leukemia, and just a bunch of other factors in my life colliding together. Full blown panic attacks, etc.
After I did TEA forms and counseling (I relied very little on meds...took about 5 Ativan alltogether), I was able to fight it. But I have realized that I have always almost constantly listened to my heart beating inside of me (just by focusing on my heartbeat) or checking my pulse in one way or another. I'm always paranoid about doing any activity that raises my heart rate, get perturbed when a simple task does (but I'm out of shape anyway).
Sometimes I am fine physically. I have a heart monitor for working out, and when I go take a walk and check my heart rate, it's where it should be for my level of fitness, I have no symptoms, don't feel strangely weak, short of breath, etc. But I still find myself randomly throughout the day, relaxing, working, etc., just obsessed with that my heart is beating normally and not too fast. Sometimes checking the pulse relieves me (when it's low), sometimes it disturbs me and makes me anxious.
Today I realized that I really am simply obsessed with something that is not really a big deal. But it is frustrated that I'm stuck on this. I mean, after being on these meds for almost 2 years and having no issues, I shouldn't have any, right? After not dropping dead, or being able to work out with no issues, for two years with this, what could really go wrong? But I can't shake it and I keep finding myself sitting still and feeling my heartbeat in my body, or checking the pulse on my neck/wrist, etc.
Anyway, just wanted to vent and admit it. Thanks :)
It's been a while since I posted here...a month ago I did but before that I had some. But it's been a while because I've been "anxiety free" more or less for over a year...at least over a year since I've had to take any meds.
I've thought I was doing great, but I realized I have a hidden sort of anxiety/obsession/hypochondria.
See, I was diagnosed with leukemia in Jan 2011. I have to take medicine for the rest of my life. I am responding perfectly, but one of the warnings for the medicine is that it can cause a sudden death due to irregular heartbeat. It is detectable by standard EKG, of which I have been cleared and no problems.
Yet I developed anxiety based mainly on that, with the leukemia, and just a bunch of other factors in my life colliding together. Full blown panic attacks, etc.
After I did TEA forms and counseling (I relied very little on meds...took about 5 Ativan alltogether), I was able to fight it. But I have realized that I have always almost constantly listened to my heart beating inside of me (just by focusing on my heartbeat) or checking my pulse in one way or another. I'm always paranoid about doing any activity that raises my heart rate, get perturbed when a simple task does (but I'm out of shape anyway).
Sometimes I am fine physically. I have a heart monitor for working out, and when I go take a walk and check my heart rate, it's where it should be for my level of fitness, I have no symptoms, don't feel strangely weak, short of breath, etc. But I still find myself randomly throughout the day, relaxing, working, etc., just obsessed with that my heart is beating normally and not too fast. Sometimes checking the pulse relieves me (when it's low), sometimes it disturbs me and makes me anxious.
Today I realized that I really am simply obsessed with something that is not really a big deal. But it is frustrated that I'm stuck on this. I mean, after being on these meds for almost 2 years and having no issues, I shouldn't have any, right? After not dropping dead, or being able to work out with no issues, for two years with this, what could really go wrong? But I can't shake it and I keep finding myself sitting still and feeling my heartbeat in my body, or checking the pulse on my neck/wrist, etc.
Anyway, just wanted to vent and admit it. Thanks :)