Partner with anxiety - can you help me?

[Emma22]

I am writing today because my partner suffers from an anxiety disorder, and while the problem is hers it affects me too.

Her challenge has always been there but has gotten a lot worse in the last year. Throughout this time, I have encouraged her to talk to others as well as me to build her support network (no one has ever known. She lies to get out of social situations, has taken time off work without telling them why, and hasn't told anyone about what is going on), though she is refusing treatment. She went to the doctor who referred her to a mental health specialist, but she never followed this up. I praised her a lot for going, but it upsets me that she hasn't taken it further.

For the last few months we have had to be in a long distance relationship which makes this more difficult.

For the most part, I am positive, supportive, giving her specific encouragement to help her move forward. I have put up with a lot to try and make this relationship work. Often in her anxiety (and depression/anger) she will shout at me, refuse to listen to me speak, and tell me she can't be bothered. This is starting to really affect me - I am unable to positive for her, it's as if I have no patience left. She often says that she is trying hard to get better by herself without any external support, but nothing seems to be changing so I am starting to wonder if our relationship can work. I understand that it's hard for her, and these behaviours are the anxiety speaking, not her. The person I fell in love with seems to have disappeared, replaced with someone else who, through their thought or not, is full of empty promises.

Does anyone else feel like this, or have any advice? I don't know how more I can support her. I love her, but I wonder if this is enough. She makes a step of progress, then takes two steps back on her own and is not willing to seek external help (from family, friends, or professional health services).


Any advice would be helpful, thank you.

[Mr Anxious]

Im the opposite end, i hide it from my other half as much as possible as i find it hard to talk about, perhaps suggesting you both go together to see someone may help, i really feel for my girlfriend with me, perhaps do some research yourself on what you can do as her partner, although its a big task and again a huge source of conflict as it is with me sometimes, well done to you tho for being so supportive lots of people would not. I struggled trying to work things out on my own for 14 years and it didn't work, now i am getting some help as im not loosing another 15 years, any problems let me know

Kind regards

[eyebob]

Wow. Tough situation. I feel like i want to say something meaningful, but i dont know what. I guess what you are going through is a real test of devotion. My question is...are you getting some help? Just sounds like a lot for anyone to try to cope with, make sure to take care of yourself so that you can take care of her.

[n1ck13]

I guess you have to try to see things from her point of view too, it's hard! My partner gets really shitty with me when I start to excessively worry and that makes it worse cause I feel like he doesn't understand and it's probably not that at all, he probably feels the same way you do with your partner. I agree, it probably is a question of devotion. Do you love her enough to stand by her and help her during the hard times? It's very easy to say its all too hard and walk away but you are her constant support and she needs you (even if she has a funny way of showing it).
Hope this helps put your feelings into perspective :)

[drmills]

Your situation sounds difficult. The only thing I can suggest is that you take care of yourself during this time. There is a paradoxical situation that occurs when people try to take care of eachother. Often the person who is in distress begins to feel that their own caretaker is in need. Your worry can, potentially, cause your partner to feel that she must take care of you. This additional burden can often make a depressed/anxious person feel overwhelmed. I often remind my patients that I am strong enough to take care of myself while taking care of them because, so frequently, people will feel guilty for being a burden. Remind your partner that you are ok and that you can be a support for her without feeling burdened. This is about all you can do.