at a loss

[mary66]

I hope I’m in the correct forum to seek advice. My Father is in a wonderful nursing home for the past 2 years(advance Alzheimer's’s, blind and Parkinson's’s, lost his ability to walk. My mother took care of him at home for years until she was unable to. Both of my parents have had major health problems for many years and I have been the one to always care for them, numerous hospital visits, stopping by their home weekly to check on them. I married young (22) and left my parents home. I have to adult children, 20 and 22. My mother in my opinion has always had an an anxiety problem and I have begged her to seek help for about 15 years. She refuses. I have explained to her that it is not good for her health, blood pressure, heart. My childhood was ok but my mother is a yeller, slams doors and has never displayed cooping skills. I have a older brother that had a very bad drug problems and has taking advantage of both my parents his entire life and is no longer in the picture and was never there to help me with both of my parents. I was a good daughter, always did as I was asked growing up. As a result of my divorce, loosing my job, my home I recently had no other choice but to move back into my mothers home with my boys. The home is big enough so this did not cause a problem for privacy for all of us. For 20 years I have never asked for any help from my parents before this. I decided to go back to school to advance my career and have been looking for employment every day. I explained to my mother that I would pay for all the food my boys and I need, I pay the cable bill each month and as soon as I’m back to work will pay rent to stay here until I can move out again. I clean up the house daily, offer to cook her dinner, do her yard work and the boys and I stay out of her way to keep her routine so she feels comfortable We stay out of her way, we are quiet. I am also very respectful when I leave the house, tell her where I'm going and coming home. I do not have a social life at the moment and I'm fine with that. I'm trying to concentrate on my career and future. My only request that I asked her when I moved in was please do not yell and scream at me. I do not raise my voice at her. We are both adults, other then that one request we do things on her terms and I am fine with that.She still feels that i am taking over home. I stay in my room and study and am quiet. Once in a while my boys will have a friend over and are very respectful when they do and she gets anger. she yells at me about it, not her grandsons and then forgets yelling at me. Over the last few months of living back home, I have noticed that she is very forgetful, not paying bills on time, looses her belongings and has become nasty and yells and screams at me, erratic mood swings, refuses to have a calm discusion and hold her ears closed so she can hear me. She talks to herself a lot, when I ask her if she is ok, she snaps at me and tells me shes fine.She feels that her neighbors are out to get her at times, they are not as far as I can see, I have offered to help but she thinks i’m trying to control her. I have asked her if she wants to see a doctor and she refuses. My oldest son has even sat down and very nicely suggested that it may be good to seek medical advice cause he has noticed a change as well. She will not allow me to ask any family members or our priest for advice. I know that soon enough she is going to need my help even more but she is wearing me down. I try to have calm conversations with her, she just storms off, saying that she is just a stupid old lady and is crazy. She said that I cant wait for her to get out of her home, she told me to go to hell. None of this is true on our end. I have told her that we are grateful that she took us in. We have never treated her that way and never tell her she is stupid or crazy. She asks me when do I plan on moving out, I have no where to go. My boys father have walked out of their lives so he is not an option for them. I am struggling in school because of all the stress at home and am thinking about dropping out because I cant concentrate on my studies. I understand that my mother must be scared seeing my father with Alzheimer's’s and may be in denial. I feel so bad that I had to come back and live with her. I thought I would be able to help her and she help me when times got hard for both of us. That’s what families do. When I asked my mother to make a list of rules in her home for me and the boys to make things better she asked me if I planned on taking her to court…I was so upset by this statement and simple told her that I was just trying to make things better for everybody, mostly her. I’m not sure if she is exhibiting early sings of dementia or an anxiety problem. I would never put her in a nursing home and told her that i would take care of her. I have no where to go at the moment and the fear and anxiety is overwhelming for me. Any advice would be helpful.

[star1234]

You sound like a great daughter. I sort if understand how your feeling. My older sister has been the caretaker for my parents for the last 20 years and has given up her life to care for them. She is 46 never been married or had kids. My dad is 84 and healthy and my mom recently passed from CHF. Be patient and know that your mom is not well. Know that down deep inside she loves you but can't admit it. Some people are like that. I grew up in a family where we knew we loved eachother but we were not expressive with words. The love is buried deep down inside. However, I never felt like my parents didn't live me because they did not say it but they showed it. Now I tell my two teenagers a hundred times a day I love you. Your mom probably had a lot of bitterness and resentment. My mom recently passed and believe me I made sure I told her that I loved her before she passed. My mom had a lot of heart ache with my older brother who passed away 30 years ago. My parents live in Florida and I in NJ. I wish I had them close to me so I can take care of them. Now I make sure that I call my dad everyday and everyday I tell him that I love him. No one has the answers to all these questions but I strongly suggest that you keep doing what your doing. I think if you decide to move out your mom will still have something to say. If it gets unbearable then I would drop out of school and get a job. Have your two oldest children help out with the bills if they can work. You need to be sane in order to move on.

[mary66]

Thank you Star1243. I'm trying my hardest to keep things in check. Financially at the moment I have nothing. My credit is shot. My boys do try to help out as much as they can. One is a student and the other works full time but make does not make much money.The only thing that I can think of is to separate my kids and find a place for them to live because I feel so guilty having them in a home with very little love. I'm am not employed at the moment but send out resumes daily. I like you tell my children every day that I love them. They are my world. I try every day to make sure everybody is happy and taken care of especially my mother. Its been 3 months and I'm exhausted and feel like Ive lost all faith in myself. I hold my self accountable for the mistakes I have made in the past, financially. My mother is a completely different person around others, very up beat and happy. This hurts me. She is not interested in hearing about the past. I know if my mom went for help she would be happy as well. I never know day to day what she is going to act like. I ask her whats wrong and her answer is "I have no answers for you". She just refuses to see a doctor. I just feel like she cant wait to get rid of us and I'm deeply sadden by this. I have told the children to not have friends over, to keep quiet. Its a very unhealthy situation for all. I thought coming back would be good for all. Family has always been important to me and feeling that own mother hates me at times breaks my heart. I feel a failure. I'm currently taking a low dose of xanax, antidepressants are not an option to me. cant afford them.

[star1234]

Keep doing what your doing your on the right path. I give you a lot of credit. Don't give up. Your boys are men and I'm sure they understand. I would put all my energy on looking for two part time jobs. Sometimes partime is easier to find. This way you can save to get yourself and the boys out of there. You can still be a good daughter even if you don't live with her anymore. You need to be in a happy and healthy environment. I think your boys would understand and appreciate it. You and the boys need to have a life. It's never to late to start over. You can work and go to school at your own pace. You can still call or go visit your parents. Nothing has to change because you have moved out. The problem with moving out is that some tenants require a credit check. But if your boys have credit you can rent under their name or find an apartment thru a friend of a friend. I know things are easier said then done but look at what you have accomplished? It sounds like you got two great men that support you. You should be proud of yourself.

[drmills]

Mary66, That sounds like a very stressful situation to be in. It is possible that your mother's symptoms are a function of the onset of dementia. They may also by related to depression from seeing her husband deteriorate in a nursing home. Whatever the case is, the most important thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself. Are you seeing a therapist? You might look into support groups for people whose parents are experiencing Alzheimer's. I wish the best for you and will keep you in my thoughts.

[mary66]

thank you drmills, Things are still not getting better. I do see a therapist once a month. I would like to private message you and ask your opinion on a very sensative topic.