ktacserv
11-14-2012, 07:25 AM
I am new here - first post.
I feel like my history is a little complicated. I am 28 years old and I have two children. My youngest is 2.5 years old. Ever since her birth, I feel like my health has been taking a dive and that I am slowly losing my mind. I remember suffering every now and then before I had kids with some mild anxiety, but once I had both of my children, it's like something snapped in my body and my brain and never went back to normal.
I have always had a fear of doctors, so I am not the best at making myself see someone when I am feeling bad. I have always been the tough one. I never show emotion, I am the rock that everyone else leans on. I am not good at being vulnerable in front of other people. This includes in my marraige. My husband has only seen me cry two times in eight years. He's never witnessed me ask for help in any serious manner until recently.
My health problems are as follows - "IBS" symptoms - diarrhea, constipation, incredible stomach pain, cramping, bloating, gas, intense and unrelenting nausea. Then there's the migraines - constant migraines which make me feel dizzy, sensitive to light and sound, like my head is going to explode and I am losing my mind. On top of that I have panic attacks. Sometimes coming out of nowhere, sometimes with a trigger. Sometimes I can talk myself out of them if I lock myself in a quiet room away from everyone else, but as they become more severe and frequent, I am losing my ability to do that gracefully. I am beginning to feel like I can understand agoraphobia - people who are afraid to leave their house - because I am feeling that way now, afraid of the panic attacks that will strike out of nowhere, afraid of the diarrhea attacks that will come out of nowhere.
I am a manager, I work in a high powered corporate office with 30 employees that report to me. When I am at work I have to be at the top of my game, and I have no time to myself to unwind - people are constantly at my desk, constantly calling me or needing me for something, or I am in meetings (which I have to give presentations in, most of the time). All of this is making me miss A LOT of work and I have had a couple of panic attacks strike in the middle of interviews/presentations that were absolutely devastating and embarassing. The worst is that I just found out a few weeks ago that there was a rumor going around at my office that I am pregnant. (Due to the excessive time off for doctors appts, running to the bathroom suddenly, and complaining of nausea one day in the office.) I am pretty devastated that this rumor is going around - even though I know with time it will clear up on it's own.
Through all of this - I have been firmly convinced that my primary problem is NOT an anxiety disorder, but that the anxiety is being caused by the health problems. I am a chronic "googler" and have self-diagnosed myself with every condition that I can find - firmly believing that I have a thyroid disease, Crohn's disease, Celiac's disease, colon cancer and many other things that do explain my symptoms well. Although always too afraid to go to the doctor, I would try to treat myself with OTC medications and tell myself that I am a strong person who doesn't need help, I am just having a cold, or having an illness, and it would go away soon.
About two months ago, I got to an extreme low point. I lost my ability to cope after being sick with constant nausea and diarrhea for two weeks and losing weight because I wasnt eating anything. I started to have feelings of wanting to hurt myself - really just wanting to end the suffering I was in. My husband begged me to go to the doctors. I found a doctor (a general practitioner - I have an HMO and must be referred to all specialists through her), and made myself go. At the appointment, I could see on the doctors face that she was both shocked that I had been suffering for so long without telling anyone, and that she was I dont know...thinking I might be insane? She's great and I like our relationship, but I just had this sinking feeling like I might be her most "crazy" patient, if you know what I mean. Anyway - she ordered me to do some basic testing since I hadn't been seeing a doctor regularly and needed to have my blood panels and etc. up to date. She tested me for thyroid disease and myriad of other blood tests for other diseases. She told me that she believed I have an anxiety problem and asked me to try a low dose of Zoloft. I admitted to the anxiety, but was hesitant to try medication for it. She reeled me in by telling me that it would help me get through all of the doctors appts and testing she was going to order for me - since I shared with her my intense fear of doctors and my inability to follow through with the appointments that I knew I needed to make. So thinking it was just a little something to take the edge off, I agreed and began taking it the next day after my first appt with her.
I came home, told my husband about my new zoloft prescription, and to my dismay he was less than supportive. He voiced what I had been silently thinking myself "You really dont need that, do you?" "You're not crazy." and "Are you really going to take it?" I told him how desperate I was for relief, how desperate I was to get through the appts and testing, and he supported me taking it - both of us thinking it was going to a temporary thing that I would be off of soon.
Took zoloft (50mg) for two days. On day three, I woke up in the middle of the night having the worst panic attack of my entire life. I was gasping for air, just crawling out of my skin in panic, thought I was going to throw up. I was so scared that I woke my husband up and asked him to sit with me while I tried to calm down - which I have NEVER done in our eight years together, so he was baffled at me being so scared in front of him. Shortly after we sat down together, I went unconscious. I woke up to find my husband on the phone with 911. Apparently what he witnessed from me was pretty scary - he said he thought I was having a seizure because my eyes were open, I was limp and convulsing on the floor, unresponsive. In the five minutes or so it took for the paramedics to arrive, I was feeling relatively normal again. They took my vitals and did a few tests, made me answer a bunch of crazy questions, and then asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. All of my testing by the paramedics was normal. I declined going to the ER. The paramedics told me to stop taking the zoloft and follow up with my GP in the morning, that it was possible my episode was caused by a reaction to the medication. My husband was already less-than-thrilled that I was taking that stuff in the first place, so when he heard the paramedics say that, he firmly made up his mind that the meds were evil. Ever since this "episode", ALL of my physical symptoms have gotten worse - constant migraine, constant nausea, extremely panicked afraid that another one might hit me at any moment, afraid to go to sleep at night because that is when the attack hit me, right out of a dead sleep. Not eating anything, not able to function, feeling tired and confused all of the time. I am at my wits end.
I had a follow up appointment with my GP today. I went in there so hopeful that she would have an answer for me - I had a lot of testing done that I was going to get results for at this appt. She did a lot of neuro testing with me during the appt, EKG, and so on to determine whether what happened to me was likely a seizure. I passed all of the testing in her office with flying colors, so she does not think I had a seizure at all. She is calling it a vasovagal attack - basically, I panicked to the point of passing out. She does not believe that it was caused by the Zoloft.
My blood work came back totally normal - even though I was so SURE I had something actually wrong with me. All of the tests I have taken have come back with normal results. She tells me I AM NORMAL, and that she strongly believes that ALL of my physical symptoms are a byproduct of untreated anxiety disorder. I am crushed. I just wanted something to be wrong with me that everyone on this earth can point to, and SEE. An ulcer, a tumor, a malfunctioning organ, a blood test - SOMETHING that would be concrete that no doctor could refute. So far, I have just been diagnosed as "crazy" and that is it.
I asked her whether I should be referred to see a specialist - like a GI doctor, or a neurologist for the migraines.
Her reply was - I think you need to take some anxiety medication, just for one month, to see if that improves your symptoms at all. At your next appointment lets discuss the possibility of referring you to a specialist if you see no relief.
So, I walked out today with a prescription for Lexapro (instead of Zoloft), Attivan to take as needed, Zofran for my nausea, Prilosec and a probiotic for my IBS symptoms.
(Continued...)
I feel like my history is a little complicated. I am 28 years old and I have two children. My youngest is 2.5 years old. Ever since her birth, I feel like my health has been taking a dive and that I am slowly losing my mind. I remember suffering every now and then before I had kids with some mild anxiety, but once I had both of my children, it's like something snapped in my body and my brain and never went back to normal.
I have always had a fear of doctors, so I am not the best at making myself see someone when I am feeling bad. I have always been the tough one. I never show emotion, I am the rock that everyone else leans on. I am not good at being vulnerable in front of other people. This includes in my marraige. My husband has only seen me cry two times in eight years. He's never witnessed me ask for help in any serious manner until recently.
My health problems are as follows - "IBS" symptoms - diarrhea, constipation, incredible stomach pain, cramping, bloating, gas, intense and unrelenting nausea. Then there's the migraines - constant migraines which make me feel dizzy, sensitive to light and sound, like my head is going to explode and I am losing my mind. On top of that I have panic attacks. Sometimes coming out of nowhere, sometimes with a trigger. Sometimes I can talk myself out of them if I lock myself in a quiet room away from everyone else, but as they become more severe and frequent, I am losing my ability to do that gracefully. I am beginning to feel like I can understand agoraphobia - people who are afraid to leave their house - because I am feeling that way now, afraid of the panic attacks that will strike out of nowhere, afraid of the diarrhea attacks that will come out of nowhere.
I am a manager, I work in a high powered corporate office with 30 employees that report to me. When I am at work I have to be at the top of my game, and I have no time to myself to unwind - people are constantly at my desk, constantly calling me or needing me for something, or I am in meetings (which I have to give presentations in, most of the time). All of this is making me miss A LOT of work and I have had a couple of panic attacks strike in the middle of interviews/presentations that were absolutely devastating and embarassing. The worst is that I just found out a few weeks ago that there was a rumor going around at my office that I am pregnant. (Due to the excessive time off for doctors appts, running to the bathroom suddenly, and complaining of nausea one day in the office.) I am pretty devastated that this rumor is going around - even though I know with time it will clear up on it's own.
Through all of this - I have been firmly convinced that my primary problem is NOT an anxiety disorder, but that the anxiety is being caused by the health problems. I am a chronic "googler" and have self-diagnosed myself with every condition that I can find - firmly believing that I have a thyroid disease, Crohn's disease, Celiac's disease, colon cancer and many other things that do explain my symptoms well. Although always too afraid to go to the doctor, I would try to treat myself with OTC medications and tell myself that I am a strong person who doesn't need help, I am just having a cold, or having an illness, and it would go away soon.
About two months ago, I got to an extreme low point. I lost my ability to cope after being sick with constant nausea and diarrhea for two weeks and losing weight because I wasnt eating anything. I started to have feelings of wanting to hurt myself - really just wanting to end the suffering I was in. My husband begged me to go to the doctors. I found a doctor (a general practitioner - I have an HMO and must be referred to all specialists through her), and made myself go. At the appointment, I could see on the doctors face that she was both shocked that I had been suffering for so long without telling anyone, and that she was I dont know...thinking I might be insane? She's great and I like our relationship, but I just had this sinking feeling like I might be her most "crazy" patient, if you know what I mean. Anyway - she ordered me to do some basic testing since I hadn't been seeing a doctor regularly and needed to have my blood panels and etc. up to date. She tested me for thyroid disease and myriad of other blood tests for other diseases. She told me that she believed I have an anxiety problem and asked me to try a low dose of Zoloft. I admitted to the anxiety, but was hesitant to try medication for it. She reeled me in by telling me that it would help me get through all of the doctors appts and testing she was going to order for me - since I shared with her my intense fear of doctors and my inability to follow through with the appointments that I knew I needed to make. So thinking it was just a little something to take the edge off, I agreed and began taking it the next day after my first appt with her.
I came home, told my husband about my new zoloft prescription, and to my dismay he was less than supportive. He voiced what I had been silently thinking myself "You really dont need that, do you?" "You're not crazy." and "Are you really going to take it?" I told him how desperate I was for relief, how desperate I was to get through the appts and testing, and he supported me taking it - both of us thinking it was going to a temporary thing that I would be off of soon.
Took zoloft (50mg) for two days. On day three, I woke up in the middle of the night having the worst panic attack of my entire life. I was gasping for air, just crawling out of my skin in panic, thought I was going to throw up. I was so scared that I woke my husband up and asked him to sit with me while I tried to calm down - which I have NEVER done in our eight years together, so he was baffled at me being so scared in front of him. Shortly after we sat down together, I went unconscious. I woke up to find my husband on the phone with 911. Apparently what he witnessed from me was pretty scary - he said he thought I was having a seizure because my eyes were open, I was limp and convulsing on the floor, unresponsive. In the five minutes or so it took for the paramedics to arrive, I was feeling relatively normal again. They took my vitals and did a few tests, made me answer a bunch of crazy questions, and then asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. All of my testing by the paramedics was normal. I declined going to the ER. The paramedics told me to stop taking the zoloft and follow up with my GP in the morning, that it was possible my episode was caused by a reaction to the medication. My husband was already less-than-thrilled that I was taking that stuff in the first place, so when he heard the paramedics say that, he firmly made up his mind that the meds were evil. Ever since this "episode", ALL of my physical symptoms have gotten worse - constant migraine, constant nausea, extremely panicked afraid that another one might hit me at any moment, afraid to go to sleep at night because that is when the attack hit me, right out of a dead sleep. Not eating anything, not able to function, feeling tired and confused all of the time. I am at my wits end.
I had a follow up appointment with my GP today. I went in there so hopeful that she would have an answer for me - I had a lot of testing done that I was going to get results for at this appt. She did a lot of neuro testing with me during the appt, EKG, and so on to determine whether what happened to me was likely a seizure. I passed all of the testing in her office with flying colors, so she does not think I had a seizure at all. She is calling it a vasovagal attack - basically, I panicked to the point of passing out. She does not believe that it was caused by the Zoloft.
My blood work came back totally normal - even though I was so SURE I had something actually wrong with me. All of the tests I have taken have come back with normal results. She tells me I AM NORMAL, and that she strongly believes that ALL of my physical symptoms are a byproduct of untreated anxiety disorder. I am crushed. I just wanted something to be wrong with me that everyone on this earth can point to, and SEE. An ulcer, a tumor, a malfunctioning organ, a blood test - SOMETHING that would be concrete that no doctor could refute. So far, I have just been diagnosed as "crazy" and that is it.
I asked her whether I should be referred to see a specialist - like a GI doctor, or a neurologist for the migraines.
Her reply was - I think you need to take some anxiety medication, just for one month, to see if that improves your symptoms at all. At your next appointment lets discuss the possibility of referring you to a specialist if you see no relief.
So, I walked out today with a prescription for Lexapro (instead of Zoloft), Attivan to take as needed, Zofran for my nausea, Prilosec and a probiotic for my IBS symptoms.
(Continued...)