Jhncf
11-09-2012, 11:36 AM
Hi all, just want to explain how my anxiety started in the hope that somebody can explain what caused it. My mum and dad split up when I was 12 years old, before that I was a happy kid, was always outdoors and into sports. When they split up my two younger sisters moved out with my mum and I stayed with my dad because I didn't want him to be alone. We were together non stop after that and I had little contact with my mum and sisters. My dad would always tell me that he didn't know what he would do if I hadn't stayed with him, which I suppose was pretty heavy for me at 12. After about a year we started to argue alot, probably because we were together non stop and eventually I called my mum one day crying and told her I couldn't take the arguing and asked if I could go live with her. I left that day without telling my dad and my mum called him later and told him. He didn't speak to me for years after that. My dad was always strict with me, but when I moved in with my mum I ended up in with the wrong crowd, would always walk out school and drank alot. From 13 years old I was drinking almost every single day, at the weekends it would be on the streets with friends, during the week I would sit in my room alone drinking. This lasted until I was about 16 and at this point I was drinking a bottle of vodka every day and I was always so angry. I would punch walls in the house, smash stuff, kick doors in.. My mum and sisters were always on edge but I just couldn't control the anger. This continued for a long time until one night I was really drunk and I remember crying and saying I wanted to kill myself.. A few months later I was drinking and stayed with a girl. I woke up in the morning and felt like I couldn't breathe, I was so dizzy and my heart was pounding. I had never experienced anything physically bad in my life so I thought I was going to die. I eventually managed to calm down but it happened again and again in the weeks after that until one day I broke down in front of my mum and told her I couldn't take it anymore, I was so depressed and everything had just come crashing down. I've never understood what caused my anxiety and depression but I guess that now after writing this I see it. Since that day i've suffered and it got worse, I went on Citalopram and it got a bit better, then came off it this year myself coold turkey (aged 20) and now a few months later it is 10x worse. Constant derealization and dizziness, numb on the left side of my face/body all the time, shortness of breath, health anxiety.. I don't really expect anyone to read all this but it feels like a weight off my chest getting this out for the first time. Hopefully I can actually see a psychiatrist and get on meds and actually deal with the problem this time instead of just covering it up and drinking..