Anybody have intrusive thoughts experience?

[gmb1]

Hi all,

This is my first thread posting here after scouring the net is desperation. I've been suffering with intrusive thoughts for about a year after my baby was born (I'm male) and its just ruining every aspect of my life. I don't know what started it but I simply can't stop myself having distressing, upsetting and really really disturbing thoughts that literally plague my day and leave me wanting to cry all the time. It's exhausting and scary. They always involve my baby getting hurt and normally in my head its me that's caused it. I'd never ever ever hurt a child but its though the worst nightmares I can have decide to jump into my head as though I'm watching from a third person perspective. All the normal anxiety symptoms like nervous sick feelings, tingling hands, shortness of breath and elevated heart rate all join the experience too.

I've been to see a counsellor but I worry that she mistakes the fear and utter horror of the feelings for some kind of urge to hurt my child or somebody else (just a feeling I get when I talk to her) she's always very interested in talking about my childhood and this leaves me frustrated as i can't see the relevance.

It's got to the stage that I sometimes think it would be better all round if somebody else was my babies dad as while these panic type attacks exist, I can't give my everything into being a dad.

I was hoping this experience might be familiar to somebody?

[Jinaiya]

Hi gmb1!

I get intrusive thoughts of my daughter being harmed. When we used to live in our apt, I'd constantly have really horrid thoughts of her falling off the balcony. Sometimes it'd be her accidentally falling, sometimes me throwing her. I'd also picture myself falling. It would REALLY shake me up. I have nasty thoughts all the time of bad things happening while out too. If we are in the car, it's a horrific accident. If we are walking, its getting hit by a car.

Might I suggest that if you don't trust your counsellor to find a new one? Counsellors are not a one size fit all kind of deal. It took me 3 tries before I found the right one for me, but now I feel totally comfortable and trusting. I do suspect that discussing your childhood will be an important step in discovery though, as it laid the foundation to the person you are today. It will likely need to come into play no matter where you go.

Good luck to you. You are not alone in this. :)

[mellymel]

I have the same exact thing going on right now, you are not alone and you are not any less of a father. It took me some time to realize the same thin about myself as a mother. I know three people off the top of my head that have the same thoughts...my husband, my friends husband, and my other friends mother. What I am getting at is this is a common thing and you should not beat yourself up over it. It's easier said than done but trust me, they are just thoughts and nothing more. Not to mention that ppl without anxiety disorders have the same disturbing thoughts, they just done dwell in them the way we do. I hope you find some comfort in this.

[gmb1]

Thanks for your replies both. I find it so difficult to explain how real the worry is when it occurs, even though I know it's a totally irrational fear. It certainly doesn't feel like one at the time tho! It's actually comforting to a degree to know somebody else has the same issues and its not just me. I just wish I knew what caused it and what will stop it. It's so draining and oppressive.

[mellymel]

Have you told anyone else about it like your wife (if married)? And I know exactly how sick it makes you because the same thing happens to me. Do you feel scared to be alone with your little one? I get that way sometimes, like I don't trust myself with her :(

[gmb1]

Absolutely, I often make excuses not to be around her if I can help it. I know sensibly nothing would ever happen - were literally talking about the worst thing in the world for me to experience, but when the feelings appear and the anxiety feelings set it (heart rate, tingling arms, sick feeling, adrenaline) It just seems such a legitimate fear. I don't fear that ill consciously do something, its not an impulse TO do something, but more as though I fear that i won't be in control. It makes me feel sick to even talk about it. I wonder if anybody has ever had and moved on past this properly?

[mellymel]

It's the same exact thing for me. I know that I don't want to do it but I fear I will lose control. I think lots of parents have this fear and I'm sure there are some who overcome it. I think it takes time though and practice dealing with and managing the thoughts. How old is your child? Mine is 2.