camilla91
11-02-2012, 05:06 AM
This is going to be a mixture of words that may not even make sense, I'm summing up my life, what's gone off and where I've got to, just to try and get my head together abit..
Anxiety started for me at 15, couldn't leave the area I lived because I'd get panic attacks, had this till I was 18.. Saw a hypnotist thinking it was a phobia, he told me flat out it wasn't a phobia it was psychological, asked me what I remember from being 15 - my parents split up that year, I wasn't at home when it happened, my dad got ill (mentally) soon after. The hypnotist cracked my phobia in a split second, subconciously I blamed myself for not being there when my parents split up (I'd sort their problems out, sometimes it lead to my dad beating my mum so I tried to be in the house to keep the situation as calm as I could.. Didn't always work but I tried) anyway it lead to my fear of not being able to leave the area just so if they argued I'd have time to get home and fix it. When I realised this that was it. Gone. I could go anywhere and if I panicked I could just remind myself why it happened then I'd instantly calm. See hypnotists sometimes do work! Lol
My second bout of anxiety was also when I was 15 after smoking a lot of weed. Good few years, I started getting depersonalization, one day while stoned I told my friend I didn't even like being stoned, told myself to remember saying that and quit the next day. Never touched it again. The depersonalization lasted for a few months afterwards, I got up one day and it happened as I was walking down the street, I just shrugged my shoulders and told myself 'if I'm not real so what, I'm still gunna live my life' and it was gone. It stayed away until this year.
This is the worst year and the hardest to tackle. My mum and dad have took it in turns these past few years to go in psychriatric hospitals. Watching this happened from the age of 7 you can see the signs before even mental health professionals can, so it makes it all the more harder when your telling these 'professionals' your parents are ill and they don't believe you. They leave you to deal with them until the 'cracking point'where they can no longer string a sentence together, are hallucinating or threatening to hurt themselves, ever had to watch your dad talk about how he tried to drown himself the night before? Or your mum tell you the army are coming to kill you and your son so lock your door? Yet these proffesionals think there sane? I've had to sign both my parents into the hospital. My mum I had to trick her into it, telling her she's going for a meal, she believed me until she got in the hospital where she had a total breakdown and believed she was on death row. Yeah now tell me she's sane.
Anyway, after my mum was signed in earlier this year I went to the doctors for anti-depressants, 3 days later the depersonalization started again.
Gutted. Three nights in hospital and a stay in respite because I was 'close to breakdown' I pulled myself back up.
Went back to college despite the depersonalization.. And the fact I'd developed an eating phobia.
Am terrified I'm going to get depersonalized from food, result of taking those anti-depressants.
I got married 2 days ago to a man that's repeatedly hit me. You know on the off chance he's changed? Got to say he has made a huge effort to change but I still feel like I've done the wrong thing..
I'm just trying to get on with life and shake of these anxiety problems, harder than it bloody looks.
Getting theough, done it before I can do it again.
Just when is the question...
I don't think I'm ready to let go of the depersonalization because it protects me slightly, yet that still feels like an excuse.. Maybe I'm not strong enough yet..
Well I will be one day, did it at 15 can deffo do it again.
I feel like I've straightened my thoughts out a bit now, I'm going to get on with my day lol if anyone has any advice on how to get this recovery a little bit faster let me know!
Anxiety started for me at 15, couldn't leave the area I lived because I'd get panic attacks, had this till I was 18.. Saw a hypnotist thinking it was a phobia, he told me flat out it wasn't a phobia it was psychological, asked me what I remember from being 15 - my parents split up that year, I wasn't at home when it happened, my dad got ill (mentally) soon after. The hypnotist cracked my phobia in a split second, subconciously I blamed myself for not being there when my parents split up (I'd sort their problems out, sometimes it lead to my dad beating my mum so I tried to be in the house to keep the situation as calm as I could.. Didn't always work but I tried) anyway it lead to my fear of not being able to leave the area just so if they argued I'd have time to get home and fix it. When I realised this that was it. Gone. I could go anywhere and if I panicked I could just remind myself why it happened then I'd instantly calm. See hypnotists sometimes do work! Lol
My second bout of anxiety was also when I was 15 after smoking a lot of weed. Good few years, I started getting depersonalization, one day while stoned I told my friend I didn't even like being stoned, told myself to remember saying that and quit the next day. Never touched it again. The depersonalization lasted for a few months afterwards, I got up one day and it happened as I was walking down the street, I just shrugged my shoulders and told myself 'if I'm not real so what, I'm still gunna live my life' and it was gone. It stayed away until this year.
This is the worst year and the hardest to tackle. My mum and dad have took it in turns these past few years to go in psychriatric hospitals. Watching this happened from the age of 7 you can see the signs before even mental health professionals can, so it makes it all the more harder when your telling these 'professionals' your parents are ill and they don't believe you. They leave you to deal with them until the 'cracking point'where they can no longer string a sentence together, are hallucinating or threatening to hurt themselves, ever had to watch your dad talk about how he tried to drown himself the night before? Or your mum tell you the army are coming to kill you and your son so lock your door? Yet these proffesionals think there sane? I've had to sign both my parents into the hospital. My mum I had to trick her into it, telling her she's going for a meal, she believed me until she got in the hospital where she had a total breakdown and believed she was on death row. Yeah now tell me she's sane.
Anyway, after my mum was signed in earlier this year I went to the doctors for anti-depressants, 3 days later the depersonalization started again.
Gutted. Three nights in hospital and a stay in respite because I was 'close to breakdown' I pulled myself back up.
Went back to college despite the depersonalization.. And the fact I'd developed an eating phobia.
Am terrified I'm going to get depersonalized from food, result of taking those anti-depressants.
I got married 2 days ago to a man that's repeatedly hit me. You know on the off chance he's changed? Got to say he has made a huge effort to change but I still feel like I've done the wrong thing..
I'm just trying to get on with life and shake of these anxiety problems, harder than it bloody looks.
Getting theough, done it before I can do it again.
Just when is the question...
I don't think I'm ready to let go of the depersonalization because it protects me slightly, yet that still feels like an excuse.. Maybe I'm not strong enough yet..
Well I will be one day, did it at 15 can deffo do it again.
I feel like I've straightened my thoughts out a bit now, I'm going to get on with my day lol if anyone has any advice on how to get this recovery a little bit faster let me know!