Hello World!

[Jinaiya]

I created a post in the intro section on friday but it never appeared so I thought I'd try again here.

I am a 29 year old woman and have come to this forum seeking reassurance and to chat with others going through similar. I'll go ahead and go into some detail of what I am going through. Please feel free to post here or PM me if you have advice or are going through the same stuff.

I am no stranger to anxiety. I had my first panic attack at 16 after I had been experimenting with street drugs (marijauna). I have not used since and don't consume alcohol, but the anxiety remains. I believe that I'd of become a sufferer regardless. I had a rough upbringing.
My symptoms at the time were dizziness, worry about my heart stopping, shaking, sweating, feeling "detached" fear of sleeping and fear in general. Most of those symptoms have stayed with me but I have added a few new ones as well.

Last year I began having heart palpitations. Anything from a couple a day to several a minute. I was and am able to handle one or two skipped beats, but when I get several a minute I always panic. I ended up in the hospital for it and had tests run. I later had a Holter Monitor and an ultrasound. All of these came up normal. The palpitations have continued. I also get pains all around my left side around my heart, often stabbing and sometimes will get pain between my armpit and left breast. Sometimes my heart will start racing out of the blue. When these things happen I am rarely upset. Often I am relaxing on the computer or watching a movie. I believe it is the symptoms that is causing my anxiety. I feel if they just went away I'd be just fine. Despite tests and doctors telling me I am ok, I'm not entirely convinced. Every time I get a new string of palpitations, pains, or my heart races, I think "its really happening this time", but it never does.

During the summer, I began getting severe Heartburn/Acid Reflux. I went on omeprazole in July but it hasn't helped much. I am now taking pantoprazole and it doesn't appear to be doing much either. I get reflux constantly and often feel like I have a chunk of food stuck (or a hair) in my throat. This is mostly an all day everyday occurrence. The center of my chest (between my breasts) burns and aches and I feel a constant burning in the center of my back. Two weeks ago, stomach aches and diarrhea were thrown in the mix. I am convinced I have cancer in my stomach, esophagus, or both. So convinced, that I have already told my husband where I want my ashes scattered. I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about leaving my daughters so soon. I am supposed to be seeing a specialist in another month to set an appointment to get scoped. I "know" that they are going to find tumors everywhere. My body feels wrecked. I am tired, detached, and lonely. Life feels limited. I keep thinking "If I only have a few months left, I'd better get on with being happy", but I can't stop the obsessions. All I think about is being sick. I am constantly fearful. My fears extend beyond these things as well. I worry about someone coming into our apartment murdering us, every time we go out I fear we will get into a horrific accident. The list goes on and on.

I started taking Celexa last tuesday with hopes to turn off these obsessions a little bit. I joined this website and read about Celexa being a risk for "sudden death" and "heart problems" so my obsessions have quickly turned to that. I am on 10mg and was supposed to increase it 20mg last night but I feel too afraid to. I woke up several times last night to check my heart and make sure I was okay. :( I kind of wish I hadn't seen that thread. I feel too afraid to just stop taking the medication because what if its my only ticket to stoping these horrible thoughts? I feel like I don't have much more time to get better.

I fight between being POSITIVE I'm dying to trying to trying to convince myself it is all anxiety, but every bout of acid reflux, or every heart issue and I lose it all and go back to terror. As I write this I am experiencing a stabbing pain near my left armpit, tingling near my left wrist, a lump in my throat and acid reflux. I keep checking my pulse...

I need help. I need to know that there are other people out there who are going through this.

I feel like even if I do have cancer, the way I am acting is unreasonable.

I just don't know how to make the thoughts stop.

[anxiousmal]

First of all, your not alone. I have had every single symptom you have described.

Let me explain how my anxiety has come to the point I am at now. For the past week I have been feeling constantly nervous, anxious and had panic attacks all day, most days. A week into this and I have realised that this is not a new thing to me and that I have actually been a nervous anxious person most of my life since I was a child. The only difference now is I have forgotten how to deal with the anxiety, Im not sure why this has happened but my best guess is that its down to stress.

The symptoms you have explained I have had all through my life since I was a child and they have continued into adulthood. When I was a child I mainly suffered from the feeling of something in my throat, this paniced me and I had panic attacks. This continued on until I was about 16, then it stopped. I was diagnosed with asthma from age of 12. I had a few asthma attacks, but I know realise I was having panic attacks on top of the asthma and my fear of asthma is something that has continued on until now. However I have been able to deal with it before, I just got on with things and ignored it.

From the age of about 27 I constantly thought I was going to have a heart attack becuase of pains in my chest. It is clear to me now this is how the anxiety manifested itself from then, becuase I learnt this thought was me worrying and I new was in very good health. This only recently stopped. Also I have had constant acid reflux but this really never bothered me, it was uncomfortable so I took some things just to calm my stomach down.

And now a week and a half ago, I had a panic attack about loosing my mind due to previous behaviours. Scary!! There was a trigger and it was an uncomfortable situation which brought on some mild anxiety and it escalated from there. The thought scared me so much that everytime I thought about it I would have a panic attack, this then lead me to believe I was losing my mind. I then got scared that I would irrationally hurt someone and then the thoughts of the worst case senario crepted in which I then started to obsess over. This caused me to feel anxiety none stop and getting anxious about feeling anxious.

So what I know is, until I can be calm and accept that I am anxious and the feeling is one I have had before and I can deal with it, its not going to get better. Anxiety is a natural feeling, worrying about it is something we shouldnt do.

I hope this helps

[Jinaiya]

Hi anxiousmal, thanks for your reply.

I'm sorry to hear about all you are going through, but its nice to know I am not alone.

I know exactly what you are talking about with the horrible thoughts! I have thoughts too sometimes of harming myself or someone else. Luckily for me, since my biggest obsession seems to be a fear of dying, I can usually brush these thoughts off pretty quickly, although sometimes picturing myself dying can set an attack off. I like to think I'd never be capable of harming another human being, as I've never displayed any signs of aggression in my life thus far.

I hope that you start feeling better soon. Chatter at me anytime! :)

[anxiousmal]

Thanks for the kind words, they are appriciated. Im finding this anxiety thing is very up and down.

I hope your ok too, and likewise, feel free to chatter at me.

[destiny880]

My jaw and left arm hurt. And i cant sleep cuz of it.