Any hypos??

[crazyme]

Is there a place for hypochondriacs on here??

[V for Victor]

Hi, and welcome to our community! :)

I think this is probably the best board to discuss hypochondria. (I'm a bit of a hypochondriac myself, so I hang around here a lot!)

I do have Obessive Compulsive Disorder, and most of my worries are always about my health and wellbeing. It's better now that I'm on medication.

But I used to be what we call a cyberchondriac. I'd get some odd symptom or another, and then I'd go to the internet and research all these outrageous diseases and things, and then start worrying that I had this one or that. Then, of course, my anxiety would bring on more symtoms and the vicsious circle would begin.

Hehe, anyway, tell us a little bit about yourself. :)

[txmom]

Any hypos?

ME, me, me! Right here! / waves arms frantically

I just joined this forum. I posted my whole pathetic story on the welcome board like a dork. I should've waited and posted it here, as this is obviously the more appropriate place for it.
I'll just cut and paste it to here:

Hello. I'm a 34-year-old mother and preschool teacher from Texas.
It has recently come to my attention that I'm probably suffering from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and probably have been for many years (intermittently, probably since childhood).

My anxiety usually seems to be focused on health concerns, on the safety of my teenaged son, and on the idea that my husband will leave me.
Sometimes I'm able to put one fear to rest (for instance, by going to the doctor and getting my health concern checked out) but my relief is short-lived, because I simply transfer my anxiety to something else, such as the idea that my husband has stopped loving me, or that my son will be in a car accident.

My anxiety seems to be getting worse as I get older. I've managed to drive away most of my friends with my constant worry and depression and need for reassurance.
As I get older, I seem to be losing my ability to "fake" being a normal person in social settings, and I find myself discussing the most inappropriate things with virtual strangers (such as gynocological concerns) in an effort to get some comfort or relief from my terrible, consuming worry: a dose of reality, some assurance that my anxiety is unnecessary or out of proportion. It puts people off. It embarrasses me. It makes people think I'm weird. I know why I'm doing it, but can't stop.

People at work are sick of hearing about my health concerns. They think I'm a hypochondriac. Maybe I am.
I was afraid to go in for a PAP test for ten years, because I was afraid of being diagnosed with cervical cancer (even though I had no more likelihood of having it than anyone else). The longer I waited, the more afraid I became of going in. I don't have medical insurance, and have to pay cash for medical services, or use public health clinics. This makes my anxiety worse. I worry about how I will pay for treatment, if I do get cancer or AIDS or some other catastrophic illness.

Finally, two months ago, the terrifying event I'd been dreading for a decade happened. I began to display symptoms of cervical cancer. Pain during and bleeding after sex, breakthrough bleeding when it wasn't time for my period. I was convinced this was it. I'd neglected to get my recommended annual cancer screenings for ten years. Now I had cancer.

I was so depressed and anxious and mortified that I could hardly function.
I couldn't eat. I lost ten pounds, because I couldn't swallow food; my throat was too tight. I alternated between not sleeping and sleeping for 14 hours straight. I had trouble going to the bathroom. I cried all the time. I was like a ghost in my family. Just... emotionally not there at all.
I began to have... not full-blown "panic attacks" but weird episodes where I'd pace rapidly up and down the hall or back and forth in my room. My hands and sometimes my face would get numb and tingly. My thoughts would be jumbled and incoherent, just racing. My heart would pound in my ears. I could not block out images of hospitals, invasive medical procedures, surgery, and death. I could not stop these thoughts. I wanted to escape out of my body, to somehow run away from it.
"I won't go to the doctor." I thought. "If I never go, then they can never diagnose me with cancer. I'll just stay right here at home and keep working until I drop dead. Or maybe I'll kill myself, if the pain and terror get too great."

At work, weirdly, I was better. I could function. I'm a good teacher; I love working with young children. Work distracted me somewhat during this time, and forced me to maintain a more "normal" facade.
Nevertheless, I was depressed, irritable, tense, and unable to take the pleasure I ordinarily would in little things. I'd get excited about the weather, or an art project or something, and then suddenly I'd remember that I was dying of cancer. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks a hundred times a day, bringing me down every time I began to take the slightest bit of joy or pleasure in the world around me. This knowledge would return, and drag me back into focusing on my sick, diseased, horrible body from which there was no escape.

Well, I quit having sex with my husband, because I was bleeding every time we did it and that scared me too much.
But one night I decided to try again, hoping stupidly that there would be no blood and the problem would've just resolved on its own.
There was blood afterward.
For some reason, this was the last straw. It changed everything. I couldn't live with this any longer.
I called my dad (it was the middle of the night) babbling hysterically, crying, telling him everything that was happening.
He promised to take me to the doctor the next day, and pay for it (we're quite poor).

So, the next day, he took me to the Planned Parenthood clinic.
I got a full exam- breast, pelvic, PAP, everything.
They found and removed a small polyp on my cervix, which turned out to be benign. That was what had been responsible for the bleeding.
I waited two weeks for my PAP results, and I won't even bother to tell you what that was like. You can probably guess, it was the worst two weeks of my life. Meanwhile, I did a lot of research on the internet about cervical cancer, symptoms, treatments, etc. This made me even more terrified, but compulsively, I could not seem to stop. It was also the only thing that seemed to calm me. Trying to distract myself or pretending to think of something else when I couldn't was too hard.

Finally, yesterday morning, I got my results.
Polyp benign, PAP test normal, negative for all STDs. Everything healthy and good.
At first I didn't believe them. I questioned the nurse over the phone about the PAP, until she finally read the report to me and said, "Well, there is one little thing here... it says one of the samples (they had taken two) was 'unsatisfactory', which means they didn't get enough cells on the slide to make an accurate reading."
I immediately panicked.
"Should I come back in and have another test?"
That wasn't really necessary, she said, because they had taken two samples (one from the outside of the cervix, one from inside) and the other slide was normal. If abnormal cells were present, they would've shown up there.

I started reading on the internet and discovered that PAP tests are far from accurate; the false-negative rate (rate of tests that read 'normal' when abnormal cells are actually present) can be as high as 12%.
I also read a medical study that said that in cases of "unsatisfactory" PAPs due to insufficient cell collection, immediate retests were recommended because such patients, upon being retested, actually did have a higher than average rate of cervical cancer.

So, instead of reassuring me, the "good" news from my doctor made me freak out worse.
I called back and demanded another appointment to get retested. I got one, for two weeks from now.
I'm still afraid to have sex with my husband, because I'm afraid that now that the benign polyp is gone, the bleeding will still occur, proving that the polyp wasn't the problem after all. My body still feels sickening and diseased. I look like crap; I don't even weigh a hundred pounds. I can't even drink water, my throat is so tight.

I am simply paralyzed by this horrible fear, and I can see that it's irrational.
I can see that it's out of proportion. I can see it's out of control, scaring people around me, and ruining my life.

I'm trying to think of proactive things I can do, such as try to get medical insurance (not easy; we really are very poor, but I'm looking into it).

I'm just... I feel so bad.
I've never been diagnosed with anxiety or anything psychological, but i'm pretty smart and i read a lot and I can just tell that i have an anxiety disorder. I know this isn't normal.

I'm worried about this; I'm worried about going crazy. I'm worried about driving my husband away with my horrible, dysfunctional behavior. I'm also worried about my gyn appointment in two weeks; that they're going to look in there and say, "Yep, you were right. We made a mistake. In fact, you're eaten up with cancer."

My life is terrible.
And it shouldn't be. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful son, a job that I love, a nice apartment.
The terrible part about my life is me.
And that's the part I can't escape from.

Sorry for babbling. Thanks for listening.

[crazyme]

Hey everyone! I too have been diagnosed with GAD. I think, though, if my doctor had enough guts she would just tell me i was a hypochondriac!! The problem is that I know this but still suffer. It's not even funny! If i have the slightest little ache in my head or my arm or anywhere else I my body automatically goes into shut down mode and i think i am dying of some awful disease. I have had a 24hr heart monitor, a brain MRI, a spine MRI, an abdominal cat scan (had my appendix out recently), etc etc...numerous blood tests and they all come back fine. It is so frustrating! I'll be fine for some time and then BOOM! I was on Paxil for 2 years and just cold turkey'd it one day. It took me about 2 months to really get over some BAD side effects. I still have side effects or something every once in awhile. I only take ativan .5mg at bedtime now and just try to deal with everything else on my own and try to talk myself down! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't...I just pray and pray to God that he takes this away! I feel so sorry for my family who has to put up with me during these times! It's stressful! Well, welcome everyone to OUR world and if you need anything, I'll be here!!

[crazyme]

TXMOM-
I'm so sorry to hear about your "cancer" crisis! I've requested another test, too, before! I promise you that it will come back negative again but it's hard for us to believe that! Do you live in Texas? I'm in Ok.
I'll be here for you and I hope you can stay "SANE" during the waiting period! I have to go to the OB/GYN tomorrow for my yearly and I've already found a million lumps in my breasts!! Of course! Now I'm terrified! The doc probably won't even feel what I'm talking about!

[txmom]

Hey everyone! I too have been diagnosed with GAD. I think, though, if my doctor had enough guts she would just tell me i was a hypochondriac!! The problem is that I know this but still suffer. It's not even funny! If i have the slightest little ache in my head or my arm or anywhere else I my body automatically goes into shut down mode and i think i am dying of some awful disease. I have had a 24hr heart monitor, a brain MRI, a spine MRI, an abdominal cat scan (had my appendix out recently), etc etc...numerous blood tests and they all come back fine. It is so frustrating! I'll be fine for some time and then BOOM! I was on Paxil for 2 years and just cold turkey'd it one day. It took me about 2 months to really get over some BAD side effects. I still have side effects or something every once in awhile. I only take ativan .5mg at bedtime now and just try to deal with everything else on my own and try to talk myself down! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't...I just pray and pray to God that he takes this away! I feel so sorry for my family who has to put up with me during these times! It's stressful! Well, welcome everyone to OUR world and if you need anything, I'll be here!!

At least you've BEEN to the doctor (that should be at least some reassurance for you).
My problem is, I've been without medical insurance for... well, about twelve years, since my early twenties.
I've been remarkably healthy; I've never had a serious illness or been hospitalized, except overnight when my son was born. I never really NEEDED to go to the doctor.
For minor things like bad sore throats, I'd sometimes go to minor emergency clinic (if I could afford it), pay cash and get a prescription for antibiotics.
For a few more serious things (a sudden, painful kidney infection I had once, a scalded hand, a cat bite that became infected) I would just go to the real emergency room at the hospital, and then not pay. In my state, medical bill collectors can't really do much to you except call and harrass you over the phone, and the ER is not allowe to turn you away for lack of insurance or money.

Fortunately, my son is insured by his father (my ex-husband), but neither my current husband nor I are insured, or have been for over a decade.

So I have not gotten routine check-ups or anything, in my adult life.
And this feeds my hypochondria and makes it worse.
I feel so GUILTY about not having insurance and not having been to the doctor, when everyone knows you're supposed to have a check-up once a year, especially if you're female.
I feel like I must be completely disease-ridden by now, the way i've neglected my health.
And now I'm scared to go to the doctor.
I'm afraid they're going to tell me I have a horrible disease, and am dying, or will need all sorts of surgery and invasive treatments.

Last year, I had an ear infection and my eardrum ruptured because i didn't go to the doctor.
My dad took me to the clinic (it's sad; he frequently has to step in and help me in these situations, and I feel guilty about that too; I'm 34 years old. I should not be relying on my father this way. It's such a burden on him).
The doctor started looking at my throat and everything, and feeling my glands in my neck, and talking about doing this or that test, I can't remember. The doctor mentioned that my lymph nodes were swollen (not surprising when I'd had a terrible cold that led to an ear infection and ultimately a ruptured ear drum). Anyway, i just lost it and started shaking and crying. The doctor was taken aback and asked me what was wrong. I said i was scared. Scared of what, he asked.
I didn't know what to say. i was scared he was going to say I had cancer or some disease, because of my lymph nodes being swollen. I knew that didn't make sense. I felt stupid.
Any time they want to take blood from me for any reason, I get scared they're going to tell me I have HIV, hepatitis, or some other disease, even if they're not specifically testing me for those things.

If I got regular check ups, if I'd been getting them all along, I don't think I'd be so irrationally scared of doctors and illness.

This is almost like a body dysmorphia issue; I look at myself and every part of me seems diseased, even though I'm (supposedly) healthy.
I'm afraid that a doctor or medical professional will see right through me, will take one look at me and say, "Jesus, you are one sick puppy! I can't believe you're still walking around. You ought to be dead by now."
I know that doesn't make sense, but it's how I feel.

I work 40+ hours a week, and go to college at night. I'll be graduating with my associate's degree in a couple of weeks. I am (more or less) functional in most situations. But lately my health anxiety has become so bad that it's making me feel distracted and depressed no matter where I am or what I'm doing. At work, I can't concentrate because I keep "remembering" that I'm probably dying of cancer or something equally awful.

It's weird because I've read that hypochondriacs go to the doctor a lot, but fail to be reassured when the doctor finds nothing wrong with them.
I'm too scared to go to the doctor at all. I'm scared they'll do things that will hurt me, and then tell me I'm dying, or want to operate, or something.
Even if I had insurance, I'd probably STILL be too scared to go.

And I'm not afraid of dying, not really (which I've read that hypochondriacs are).
At this point, it would be sort of a relief.
What I'm scared of is suffering. What I'm scared of is illness and disease.

My friend at work told me the other day that she's afraid of dying in a car accident. I didn' say anything, but what I thought was, "I wish I could die in a car accident. It would at least be quick. It's better than dying of cancer."

Nobody in my family has ever had cancer that I know of (we tend to die young, in accidents or wars).
So I don't know how to explain this obsession of mine.
A friend of mine did recently die (young) of ovarian cancer. That was last year.
It was quite terrible, and may have triggered my latest episode of health anxiety.
But I can attribute it all to that, because I've had this anxiety since I was a kid. I remember being nine or ten and picking at a mole or a bump on my skin, and getting frantic because I thought it was skin cancer.
This is an old, deep-rooted anxiety of mine. I have no idea where it came from, or why it's suddenly worsened NOW, when my job and life are going so well, my son's almost grown, and I'm about to graduate from college. I should be ecstatic, and instead I'm falling back into anxiety and dispair, worse than ever before, and fantasizing about how nice it would be to get hit by a car, die instantly, and not have to be afraid anymore (although I'd never actually harm myself; I'm much too chicken).

Something has set me off, and this is the worst I've ever been. This is even worse than the time I thought I had AIDS, and that was quite bad.

I've read that, left untreated, anxiety sometimes gets worse as you get older.
I guess that's what's happened to me.
My anxiety is sometimes like a dark cloud hovering over my head, darkening everything.
Other times, it's like this wild animal that attacks me. It escalates until it's just sheer dread and terror.
I don't have full-blown panic attacks, though; not like the ones I've read about here, anyway.
My best guess is, I probably have GAD, generalized anxiety disorder.

I worry myself into a state of hysteria over things that aren't very likely to happen. I'm convinced I have cancer or some other undiagnosed fatal illness, even though there's no good reason to think so.

I hate my life right now.

[crazyme]

I don't know if its any better if you do get to go to the doctor. I still freak out! Plus, i never believe the doctor! I've been so freaking nervous about this appointment this morning that I couldn't sleep lastnight. I'm 32 and this anxiety crap only started 3 years ago in March. My little girl was one at the time. My friend and her 4 year old daughter died in a car wreck and she was a big-time christian. I couldn't understand why that happened to such good people and it made me think my own daughter could die any moment. Also, my friend had a son that survived so his dad was left to do all the caring for. That made me think I was going to die and my husband would be left caring for my daughter. Not that that is a bad thing but I could literally see it happening. It was weird. And it went from there. Every little pain I get in my head is a brain tumor. Every ache in my leg is leukemia. It's ridiculous! Yes, I've had the tests done but it doesn't matter! I do wish that there was something you could do about insurance. It does give you a brief "AAHHHH" feeling when the doc tells you something good! What about help with a psychiatrist?? Would your dad help you with that? I know last year my aunt footed the bill for a counselor and it helped quite a bit!

[txmom]

My dad would help me go to a psychiatrist if I asked him (my family's well off, even though I'm not), but I don't feel comfortable asking.
I try to save that (borrowing money) as a last resort, for emergencies only.

I know what you mean about your friend that died in a car wreck.
My friend that died of ovarian cancer was only 38. She had five children, three teens and two small children. She was a single mom.
I could not help thinking- why her? Why not me?
I only have one son, he's nearly grown, and he has a father.
Why would this happen to a nice woman like her, and leave her children orphans? It's not fair. I'm glad it's not happening to me, but at the same time, it would be more fair. It's worse, that it's happening to HER.

I think this incident with my friend dying of cancer triggered my conviction that I'm dying of cancer too, the same kind or a similar kind.

But if a doctor checked me out and told me I was okay, then I would believe it.
At least, for a little while, until I found something else to freak out about.

I also know what you mean about worrying about your daughter's health and/or safety.

I posted on another thread that I can barely let my 15-yr-old out of the house, I'm so afraid that something bad will happen to him.
I call him on his cell phone constantly, and if he doesn't answer, I get in the car and drive around and look for him.
In short, I'm the sort of mom that kids run away from home to get away from, and I never wanted to be that. I love him so much, and I want so much for him to be safe and have a good life.

That's all I want for any of us.

I realize, I do need help.

[txmom]

Follow-up to my situation, posted about earlier in this thread:

I got the results from my repeat PAP test today (had to be repeated because the results of the first one were unclear), after nearly a month of unending torment and ceaseless anxiety.
The results were negative for cervical cancer; in other words "normal".

Immediately upon hearing this, instead of feeling relief, I began to wonder if maybe the test was wrong.
It's not that far-fetched; 2 to 10% of PAP tests read a "false negative"; in other words, fail to detect cancer or precancerous changes in the cervix.
So, I mean, it could be wrong. It's not entirely out of the question.
The fact that I neglected to have my annual PAP test for ten years is worrisome. It just doesn't seem possible to me that I don't have cancer, pre-cancer, something.
I know so many women that have had procedures done for cervical cancer or pre-cancer, and they've taken good care of their health.
It doesn't make sense that someone like me, who has neglected my health for so long, could turn out a normal test result.
It doesn't seem fair. it's not understandable to me.

So, I'm considering scheduling another PAP test at a different clinic... because my mind is not eased. I still think I might have cancer.
But I'm embarrassed to go back to that same clinic again, because they're going to think I'm crazy to want another test so soon, when I just had one.

I realize that not believing one is well even in the face of normal test results is a symptom of hypochondia.
But in this case, I believe another screening is justified, because of the fairly large margin of error associated with this particular cancer-screening method (up to 10% false negative).

I'm trying to get some perspective on this.
What do you think? Am I just being neurotic, or is it reasonable to request another test?

[doingmybest]

I'm sorry to hear about your cancer concerns. We are similar ages and I can really relate with what you are feeling. Mine isn't really cancer (yet) but more neurological diseases (MS, Parkinsons). Anyway, I say if you had two tests done please let it go. You need to move on from this. I KNOW it is hard (I do the same thing too) but you can't let this rob you of you're life. You are young and have so much life ahead of you.

Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my life with all this worry. I feel like I'm going to be so regretful when and if something is really wrong with me for not being happy when I was healthy.

I really wish you well and pray that you will come through this soon.

[Robbed]

Most everybody with anxiety is at least a little hypochondriacal. After all, a good part of anxiety is fearing its symptoms and misinterpreting them as a far more serious medical condition.